LOST Caption Contest

O'Quinn Wins! Edition

2007-10-07T11:30:00.000-04:00

TheGeoff
I won! Don't tell me what I can't do!

LncshrLassinMI
I'm tickled pink!

TheGeoff
He doesn't see the Dharma logo on the bottom.

cmsmith68
Since this ensemble didn't win on Project Runway, I'm glad I got to wear it for this little event.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Terry O'Quinn: I'm thankful that I won the award and that I got this cool trophy, but given the choice I'd rather have my three fingers that Jorge Garcia gnawed off when I offered him a bite of my Snickers.

TheGeoff
The presentation of the award for the winner of the DarkUFO Character Cup.

cmsmith68
Hook em Horns!

marbalbc
Call me!

bringingSazyback
I'd like to thank Crest Whitening Strips and Arm and Hammer scalp wax. Hang loose, haole!

lockesladyluv
'hello mom? guess what!!! i won!!! yeah...my friend ben came with... he's the one who gave me this neat phone....'

LIONARTist
Terry: "Look everybody. I finally found what was making that horse constipated. I used these two fingers to hold the rear end open and I pulled out this Emmy."

The_Bionic_Guy
Terry : "Jacob say's he should have won this,ha,he's not even real".
*whispers*"call you later jacob"

back_gammon
Desmond (off camera): "Way to go, box man."

MingoLeger
I couldn't find a thing to wear so I borrowed Sawyer's pink shirt from the 80's.

CoolHandLocke
"If you told me 3 years ago that I would be standing here with this in my hand, I would've said you're crazy, and then I would've probably hit you on the back of the head and destroyed whatever form of communications you had with you. But the past is behind me now and of all the mistakes I made, the one I do not regret is allowing Jack to make that call. I would like to thank the island, James Ford and all my homies from 815 (we did it yo!), Bejamin Linus, who is in the audience (you the man, Benny!), and my beautiful girlfriend Helen, love you baby, I'll call you later. Peace!"
*woooosh* [End Flashforward]
LOST

darien_ambrose
With his right hand, Locke squeezes the trigger thereby detonating the bomb planted in Katherine Heigle's EMMY.

Go_Ahead_Mech_My_Day
"You like me! You really, really like me!!!"

hatch_n_sniff
............"You can start calling me Terry O'Winn after tonight." (forms a W with his right hand)

back_gammon
O'Quinn: Yep, it was in the coffin all this time. Who knew? Guess they figured it'd be the last place I'd look, what with all those rumors about me sawing off my own legs to fit in it and everything.

TheGeoff
And the winner is... Nikki Fernandez, Exposé!
Accepting the award on behalf of the late Ms. Fernandez is her friend, John Locke.

wakingsleep
Razzle Dazzle!

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
"A shout out to Marsstory, my nephew...you crazy b@stard. Call me on line 5."

llanoestacada
"Mahalo Mother *******"

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
...Thank You !..Thanks To All Who made this possible.. This is Great!..Yeaa baby Hang Loose!!,,but let me tell ya somethin.. I,,I still don't have the slitest idea what this show is about...

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Thank You !! Thank You Very Much..In my wildest dreams I never thought I'd win the title of ,,The Tannest Man in Baltimore,,....

hatch_n_sniff
Mrs. Hawking: ......no John.... NO JOHN !!!....you're not supposed to win. Give them back the Emmey.
Cooper:.........Gawd, it never gets old with this boy!!!!

Goony123
"I was kind of nervous about going up to make my acceptance speech. Somebody told me to imagine everyone sitting there in their underwear. I used to do that on the set of Lost until I realized that Michelle Rodriguez filled out her briefs better than I did."

paperfist
Some no-talent-diva (off camera): That shoulda been me!!!!

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Faith Hill in the wings: mouths "WHAT?!"

Hatchcrazy
"I'm using this as a paperweight to hold down all the scripts that are on my desk. Especially 'Anaconda III- The Hunt for Ice Cube's career.’"

Short Bits 5

2007-10-07T11:12:00.000-04:00

Fishbiscuit Edition
kharma_bites
Sawyer: Ben must have one fat cat...check out the size of this Meow Mix, Freckles.

Bea Arthur Pancake Breakfast Edition

Goony
"That's the last time I put syrup on my pancakes before going down on Bea Arthur!"

Rygc
Yes, it's me, John Lithgow. And I just realized that the beard was not fake................ow, that's gonna leave a scar!!!

marbalbc
Wax on! Wax off!

Rygc
Wow, Veet really works on facial hair, too! Doesn't hurt a bit!

hatch_n_sniff
"I don't know about Aunt Bea, but Mrs. Hawking won't have to shave the next time she goes to the beach."

MingoLeger
Tom: Damn flying squirrels!!!!

lockesladyluv
nair leaves you smooth as a baby's butttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rememberGoodwin
So Ben just comes along and says Jacob said 'no beards allowed' and Tom just rips his off. I really don't think I can do this.

llanoestacada
Tom: "Could somebody come over here and help me get this damn weasel off my face!"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!! Kelly Clarkson!!!
(40 year old virgin reference, if you didn't know)

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Tom: "It sucks getting old. First your hair falls out, then you have to carry your stones on a rope."

hatch_n_sniff
Tom's just getting started as leader of "Ben's Boys," All Male Revue.

Arzt Extreme Makeover Edition

2007-10-07T10:46:00.000-04:00

hatch_n_sniff
Artz: ............I gotta look good today. Damon and Carlton said I'll be "all over the island" by the end of this episode.

mlj2298
Put another piece of foil in! Cinemax is still a lil fuzzy.

hatch_n_sniff
Hairdesigner: ....are you an actor?
Artz: yes, I'm on ABC's LOST.
Hairdesigner: .....OMG...OMG I totaly luv LOST....Do you want to know how it ends? Well,like they never really leave the (Blow Dryer Blow Dryer Blow Dryer) and Kate and Jack (Blow Dryer Blow Dryer Blow Dryer) because Dharma and Widmore (Blow Dryer Blow Dryer Blow Dryer) and I couldn't flippin believe it ended like that!!!!
Artz: How in the world do you know all this?
Hairdesigner: I do Carlton's hair too.

darien_ambrose
In the year two thousannnnnnnnnd.
ABC Boards will be holographic.

cmsmith68
Hiardresser: Dude, you got some arzt on you

FastNFlurry
Yay ..... a tinfoil hat ........... now I can be a Jooper too

slpy
Following tend setter back_gammon, Dr. Artz has a tin foil hat professionally attached to his head.

MingoLeger
Arzt: Man this salon is GREAT!!! Now can you teach me the "bend and snap"?? I've got my eye on this Nikki chick.

Im_still_the_Irishman
Arzt: "I mean what's the point? Just blow me up and get it over with".

Im_still_the_Irishman
"I want you to use extra strong hair spray. Dynamite proof actually".

AbbyNormal_Lost
Arzt: Hmmmm, is this the place O'Quinn got his Brazillian bikini wax?

mlj2298
Voice from hidden camera-
"We have secretly switched Artz's hair color with the color of his stylist's hair which is a bright red to match the explosion on today's episode. Let's see what happens"

Goony123
Hair Cuttery - Still only $15.00 for a shampoo, cut and blow-up, er -dry.

Goony123
"Ok, fine, you got me. I'm now out of the closet. You mean wearing the ascot and calling myself Leslie wasn't enough of a tip-off?"

MonkeyProstitution
*in an impression of Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality* "With all this tin foil in my head I'm gettin HBO!"

lockesladyluv
... they had to resurrect me to play the part of the gay zombie alien..... what was i thinking??????????

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Arzt: I'll bet Back Gammon posts this picture to humiliate me because he knows I like spiders.

talkswithhands
I thought getting blown up was harsh, but now? Having this piece of celery jammed into my skull is even worse!

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Hair stylist: "Not only does this dude have a nose on the back of his head, but look what I found in it."

MR_JJ_ABRAMS
Arzt: "I'm not only the president of Tin Foil Hats For Men, I'm its biggest customer"

LncshrLassinMI
Hairdresser: You're going to love this colour........it's just dynamite!
Arzt: Oh!

Phone it in Monday Edition

2007-10-07T10:22:00.000-04:00

The_Bionic_Guy
Sayid : Ok who want's pizza?

scoont
Danielle: I'm not in your five?

hatch_n_sniff
Danielle: "I can kill with my bare hands."
Sayid: "I can kill with my bare feet."
Jack: "I get so hopped up on Oxycodin and whiskey I have no idea how they die."

lockesladyluv
Really, jack... i dialed the number Locke gave me and some woman named Helen answered and asked me for my credit card number before she would talk to me....

BelleLP9
Danielle: I know I've been in the jungle alone for a long time, but I swear it wasn't me making the 900-number calls with your phone!
Jack: Yeah, I'd check with Locke.
Sayid: Why do you say that?
Jack: I saw it in a flashforw...a flashba....nevermind.

mlj2298
Jack- Sayid I don't think even Verizon will get you a signal out here.
Sayid- But they said it's the network with the most coverage!

EEEJackYourLate
Danielle: Now, don't make me take my belt off and bend you over my knee

systemfailure2
Jack: What's making all the posts disappear?
Danielle: I think it's the security system, what you people call "the monster" or "George".
Sayid: I believe there is something jamming the signal to the board.

yoshie_b
Sayid: I hate to say it Jack, but after seeing the two of you together... I have to agree. Danielle IS more of a man than you.
Jack: *cries*

Rocc_Holliday
Sayid: ok, now whoever can do a better spout gets this nifty phone . . .

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Sayid: I found this phone in Kate's things...
*phones goes off* secret loooooooooooovers....
Jack: *grabs the phone* caller id says...Sawyer?!?!?

slpy
I just got a call from Simon, Simon says, put your hands on your hips.

MingoLeger
Danielle: Seriously, do you get service out here? Cuz I gotta tell you, I do a lotta work down here and it's a crap shoot.

TheGeoff
Every time we try to hold an important meeting, someone's cell phone rings!

back_gammon
Sayid: It sounded like the voice said "Help me."

042078
Sayid: Who are you going to call, jack?
Everybody: GHOSTBUSTERS!

TheGeoff
Good morning, Mr. Jarrah. This is Oceanic Airlines, conducting a customer satisfaction survey about your flight on September 22.

grannieindisguise
Sayid: I think Danielle should carry the phone. This thing is so heavy it'll stretch my pocket out of shape. And she has the belt.
Danielle: I think Jack should carry it in his teeth. That'll keep him quiet.
Jack: *cries*
Danielle: Bad idea, he'll get it wet. I'll carry it.
retrop51
Sayid: Simon says, "Put your hands on your hips."
"Put out your cell phones."
Danielle: You're terrible at this game, Sayid. You never get anybody because you telegraph your intentions.

TheGeoff
Sayid: Help! We were in a plane crash.
Voice on phone: What? I can't hear you. Flame rash?
Sayid: We were in a plane crash.
Voice on phone: Put some aloe on it.
Sayid: Listen to me. We are stranded on an island.
Voice on phone: Sorry, we've got a bad connection. I'll have to call you back.
Sayid: Stranded on an island!
Voice on phone: Brandon Ryland? I'll call you back immediately, Mr. Ryland.

Action_Potential
Sayid: Hey Jack, the crybaby store called, and they're running out of you! hahahahaha
Jack:... In the future, I'm gonna get a razr, you'll see!
Danielle: I could use a razor.

TheGeoff
Jack: We need to call for help.
Sayid: Not me. I've already used all my minutes this month.

Action_Potential
Danielle: You mean to tell me that this phone costs $800 and you have stay up all night in line to get one?
Sayid: Yes, it's got GPS, video, texting, and I was able to triangulate the signal to download my favorite ring tone "getting jiggy with it"...

Action_Potential
Sayid: Curses! I finally managed to triangulate the signal but the connection was hacked by some kid, noooooo!
Danielle: Oh yeah, George Hotz, the 17 year old college freshman who hacked the iphone over the weekend.
Sayid: How'd you hear about that?
Danielle: I read it online on your phone.

Sointuit
I know you want to carry the phone Jack, but if Rousseau carries it in her cleavage she still has two free hands to combat the others.

TheGeoff
Jack: I forgot I still have my ex-wife's cell phone. Maybe we can use it to call for help.
Sayid: I'll call the first number in its memory.
Voice on phone: Sarah! You haven't called in a long time. I thought your husband found out about us.
Sayid: I'm not Sarah. I'm a survivor of a plane crash. We've been stranded on an island since-Voice on phone: Sayid? Is that you?
Sayid: Sawyer?

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Sayid: "They want to know if we have Prince Albert in a can."

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Sayid to Jack: "It's Donald Trump, he says you're fired."

TheGeoff
Sayid: I don't understand it. I programmed 42 numbers into this phone, it says it has 42 numbers, and yet I can only see 23.
Danielle: That happens all the time on this island. I call it George. If you add a number for someone named George, the other numbers should appear.

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Sayid: "What's wrong with anchovies?"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Who's cell phone is this?
Jack: I think that phone belongs to Vincent.
Sayid: Vincent? But he's a dog. Why would a dog have a cell phone?
Danielle: He gets free roll over minutes.

hatch_n_sniff
SAYID: Danielle it's for you. It's Richard.
DANIELLE: Why are you calling me on this phone?
Ricky, did you lose my number!!!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Yes, Jack. Just as soon as I call Ticketmaster and get Danielle some Indigo Girls tickets, I will call Walgreens and see if the prescription you wrote yourself is ready. Should I see if they're running a sale on Kleenex while I'm at it?

hatch_n_sniff
SAYID: ......it was a telemarketer, wondered if we needed new windows.I hung up on him.....I HUNG UP ON HIM!!!!!

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Jack: you mean to tell me you've had this phone the whole time and you ran the batteries dry calling 900 numbers?!?!?!
Sayid: that's not all I ran dry

hatch_n_sniff
SAYID: ....why have phone sex when we have Kate?

Cheezeee
Sayid: Who set "Cry me a river" as the ring tone ?
Danielle: I did. I thought it was Jack's phone.

The_Bionic_Guy
RING...RING!
Danielle: "If it's for me,say I’m not in."

hatch_n_sniff
Danielle: It has been sixteen years, tell me what does this phone do?
Sayid: Well you can store information, connect to the internet and even take pictures, see.
Danielle: Amazing. Look at these pictures!
Jack: Hey Sayid, show her the pictures of Alex bathing in the stream.

Short Bits 4

2007-08-28T16:59:00.001-04:00

Woah! Those Toes!

CAPSLOCKE
"Now i don't know what is more disqueting, the 4-toed statue, or THAT"

Goony123
In an effort to regain Sayid's confidence, Rousseau shows him the location of the ultra-secret seventh Dharma Station - The Snatch.

captainaeon
After weeks of struggling to escape the island, Sayid realizes he must face the agony of de-feet...

captainaeon
Sayid thinks--That blonde I planted has started to sprout...

Goony123
Sayid: "No, you idiot. Eko's stick said 'lift up your eyes and look north.'"

llanoestacada
Sayid: Somehow, I don't remember that page in my Kama Sutra.

LncshrLassinMI
Sayid (Gymnastics Judge): Sorry, I will have to deduct 25 points for that landing........next!

marbalbc
Britney, you forgot your panties again.

MissingPlane
..oh no,,,the Sickness is spreading,,,the dreaded Ostritch Disease!!

MissingPlane
..okay! okay!...very good ..now move your right leg just a little to the left and we'll see if we can pick up BBC London..

PoeFan1
Sayid: "Ummm, Shannon? You're supposed to put the surfboard in the water before you start paddling out."

zenmaster5280
...Something happens and Im head over heels
I never find out till Im head over heels
Something happens and Im head over heels
Ah dont take my heart
Dont break my heart
Dont throw it away...

The Pigs Are Walking Edition

captainaeon
Arzt--'...And this is a great counter move if your opponent uses the hand-on-nose block when you try to poke him in the eyes with the basic forward thrusting peace sign attack. Remember to preface this move with the phrase "A wise-guy, eh?"'
Arzt teaches Kate some useful 'Stooge-fu' moves.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
"It's about this long, OK? It's fat, round and very, very sweaty. You have to grab it with both hands, but be gentle with it. If you yank it and jerk it too hard, things are gonna get very messy. You also need to remember.......uh, what are you doing? Dammit, woman, why are you trying to unzip my pants? I'm trying to teach you how to handle dynamite."

lostcrazy815
"Say Razzle Dazzle again. I dare you. I am this close from burying you alive."

silverhalo1217
Arzt: This is about how long my character will be on the show. Your character, Nikki? Eh, not so long.

JustMech
"Have you seen Sayid's? They're long and GROSS!

Surpise!
LncshrLassinMI
"Surprise! Daddy is here to stay with us for a month!"

lockesladyluv
Someday we'll be able to afford a patch to cover that eye that you LOST.....

Short Bits 3

2007-08-28T16:35:00.001-04:00

The Future's So Bright Edition
hellolost
Captains log
Stardate 4 8 15 16 23 42
I think everyone loves my new prescription glasses. Number 1 told me they made my eyes look bluer then normal. I didn't let her know that with these new glasses I can see her naked when ever I want.

MissingPlane
..Alex,,I'd like " Escaping Time and Space" for 400 dollars please...

LncshrLassinMI
Carl: I thought this game was "Lost in Space".......not "Lost and Spaced".

suckr4luv
These are the Super X-Ray Vision glasses I sent in 100 boxtops for?

wednesdayworld
Arghh! I didn't check the clock to see if it worked before I sat down in this chair. Orange you glad it wasn't Lost?

cmsmith68
better like this or better like this?

cmsmith68
E
F P
T O Z
L P E D
P E C F D
E D F C Z P

Lost Luggage Edition

hatch_n_sniff
Rose: Slow down Charlie, this is the longest scene I get in like THREE years.

gwenniesgrannie
Sorry you were misdirected, ma'am. The deluxe suite is this way.

042078
Rose: And I'm teeeeellllling you...I'm not going...
Charlie: Yes, Rose. You ARE going. I missed my chance with Driveshaft...I will NOT miss my chance to make it as a Dreamgirl!

wednesdayworld
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rosebud!

Shangri_La_
"Charlie why do I have to hide these coconuts in my blouse.? Can't we put them on your sled thing"

JustMech
"Alright, so the Jamaican bobsled team didn't do so well. I still say that we have a shot at the mixed doubles luge title if we practice!"

bringingSazyback
Charlie: Rose, you've always got a cheerful attitude, and I just complain and whine all the time. How do you do it?
Rose: Living is easy with eyes closed.
Charlie: I'll have to remember that.

Do These Pants Make My...

meeps_r_us
You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your right footWHOOOOOAAA!!!!

silverhalo1217
"Are you looking at my bum? You dirty bum looker." - said in best Mike Myers british accent.

MissingPlane
FBI School, Special Agent Level 1
Forced Entry Training Module,
Slide #7: WHAT NOT TO DO
................a) Expose large portion of buttock in entryway
................b) Close eyes
................c) point gun away from area being entered
................d) go barefoot!

(next slide)

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: Look out Desmond, I'm about to turn the lower part of this boat into the poop deck.

captainaeon
Jack prepares to use his silent-but-deadly secret weapon...

LIONARTist
BBBBRRRRRRAAAAAAPPPPPFFFFTTT

wednesdayworld
"Eeeeekkkk, a mouse!"

Baby Daddy Sitter Edition

2007-08-28T13:10:00.000-04:00

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Charlie: So why are we living on this tropical island again?
Sawyer: Think about it. Two gay men and a baby? It was either here or San Francisco.
Charlie: So why didn't we move to San Fransisco then?
Sawyer: I'd rather live here where we don't have to worry about all that dark smog. That stuff is bad for your health.
Charlie: So I guess you didn't hear what happened to Eko, did you?

Sazyga
Sawyer: Claire needs to quit breastfeeding that kid. He takes it much too seriously.
Charlie: Lay off, he's only a baby.
Sawyer: You see the hole he chewed in my shirt, Mary Poppins?

zenmaster5280
Sawyer: "...Sure it's all fun and games when he's asleep, but just wait until he needs his nappy changed..."

zenmaster5280
Carlton and Damon's Plot twist: Lost - Two and Half Men

carl_the_irishman
Sawyer: Damn shade! Can't see my magazine!
Charlie: No, it's good. I dont want the baby getting burned.
Sawyer: *looks up* - oh, it's just Hurley walking past.

Foinbean
Sawyer..." And the exhaust valve was depressed,,so Aaall the nasty gases were freed and went down the exhaust pipe where they met the catalytic converter fairy and were magically changed into non toxiic emmissions..
Charlie.." Keep It Up Sawyer..its workin ,,its workin.."

Sazyga
Sawyer: Did you hear that?
Charlie: My log says there is evil in the woods.

Foinbean
Sawyer....Nope!...nothing in here about swaddeling!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Charlie: Yes Sawyer, I know that the sound of your voice is the only thing that soothes Aaron to sleep, but don't you have anything to read besides Penthouse Forum?

lockesladylilac
who would have thought that having sex with him could have produced such a beautiful bundle of joy?

Foinbean
...Charlie.." Hush little baby, now don't you cry,,,Charlie's gonna sing you a Drive shaft lullaby.."
..Sawyer,," Thank you Mr Charlie, we'll let you know by phone...NEXT!"

captainaeon
Sawyer: Whew! That smell! Which one of you needs his diaper changed?
Charlie: I don't wear a diaper!
Sawyer: I saw that commercial you made, Lil' Buddy...
Charlie: Oh...

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Charlie: Damn it Sawyer, no wonder he's crying. Is that Anne Coulter's latest book your reading aloud? Put that away.

Sazyga
Sawyer: "Over hill, over dale, thorough bush, thorough brier, over park, over pale......uh.......thorough flood, thorough fire, Idowandereverywhere, swifter than the....moon's sphere, and I serve, and I serve....the......"
Charlie: "the Fairy Queen". Keep practicing. Shakespeare On The Beach starts tomorrow!
Sawyer: Can't I auction off wenches or something? Why can't you play the damn fairy?
Charlie: Well, I am English........

Mrs_Sawyer_
Charlie...."Sawyer what does the dang thing say"
Sawyer...." It says .....Ill feed it, and burp it , but I sure aint changing it! Looks like a job for you, Mr. Mom."

Sazyga
Charlie: Did you say thank you to Uncle Sawyer for letting us hide in here? Did you? Cootchie cootchie! He's a nice man, isn't he. Yes he is. Kate will never find us in here. I am the Hide and Go Seek champion! Yes I am....numnumnumnum....Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?
Sawyer: HE'S IN HERE!
Charlie: Who's a bastard? Is Uncle Sawyer a bastard? Yes he is. Should we blow zerberts on his tummy?
Sayer: HURRY THE HELL UP!

Claire_N_TurnipHead
Sawyer:if only we wasn't on this damn island we could take a friggin paternity test to see which one of us is this kids daddio.

stellaknows
Sawyer: I wish I had something to read on Surrealism so that I know what the **** Foinbean keeps yapping about.

Foinbean
Charlie:...Little deuce Coupe
You don't know what I got
Little deuce Coupe
You don't know what I got
Well I'm not braggin' babe so don't put me down
But I've got the fastest set of wheels in town
When something comes up to me he don't even try
Cause if I had a set of wings man I know she could fly
She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got
(My little deuce coupe)
(You don't know what I got)

Sawyer:..WAAA aaWWAAAWAA WAAAA

Just a little deuce coupe with a flat head mill
But she'll walk a Thunderbird like (she's) it's standin' still
She's ported and relieved and she's stroked and bored.
She'll do a hundred and forty in the top end floored
She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got
(My little deuce coupe)
(You don't know what I got)

Sawyer:..WHAAA aaAA WHAAWHAA WHAAAAA

She's got a competition clutch with the four on the floor
And she purrs like a kitten till the Lake pipes roar
And if that aint enough to make you flip your lid
There's one more thing, I got the pink slip, Daddy
And comin' off the line when the light turns green
Well she blows 'em outta the water like you never seen
I get pushed out of shape and it's hard to steer
When I get rubber in all four gears

Sawyer:...WOOO ooOO WOOOWOOO WOOOO

She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got
(My little deuce coupe)
(You don't know what I got)
She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got
(My little deuce coupe)
(You don't know what I got)
She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got

Sawyer:..WHAAA aaa HAAHAA HAAA...ooowoooo...woohoowooohoooo...fade..

042078
Sawyer: If only there was a book club somewhere on the island to discuss this with...

Sazyga
Sawyer: Says here 10 to 12 minutes per pound. What do you make of him?
Charlie: Oh, about 7 pounds minus the load he just dropped.

PoeFan1
Sawyer: "Let's see, the recipe here says 1 gallon of water per pound of baby... Aaron is about 10 pounds...
Charlie: "I don't know, he's more like 15 pounds."

jae_tee
charlie - he has your eyes
sawyer - no he has your eyes

Sazyga
Sawyer: Do I smell hot biscuits?
Charlie: No, you smell air biscuits.
Sawyer: Huh?
Charlie: I ripped off a few while the baby was screaming.

justacoolguy36
Would you say that I'm more "angry and agressive" or "ambitious and passionate"?

Captain______Sandwich
Saywer: Charlie. Can you explain why is Hurley's underwear hanging on your wall ? !

042078
Charlie: Geez...when I said I was a bloody Rock god I didn't mean I was good at rocking babies.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Aaron: Damn, another scene with these two morons. If we don't hurry up and shoot the breastfeeding scenes with Emilie that they promised me, I'm going to fire my agent and crawl right the hell off of this show.

APACHI_05
Sawyer says: "let's see what's a 2 letter word for wet baby?"
Charlie: "That's easy, diaper change, which btw Saywer, you could use one too, you smell a little rank yourself.
Sawyer says: "That's not me, you idiot thats Aaron which smells like he did more than he's tellin."
Charlie: "True, but you get used to it after awhile.

Goony123
Sawyer: ". . . and Goldilocks said this chair is too soft, and this one is just ri. . ."
Charlie: "Erm. . . Sawyer, I think you can stop reading to Aaron now."
Sawyer: "Aww, is the little fella asleep?"
Charlie: "No. I, uh, I grabbed the wrong bundle. See, I've been swaddling a bunch of used nappies. Oy, this kid eats a lot, mate. If you need me, I'll be down in the ocean for bit."

Short Bits 2

2007-08-28T13:03:00.000-04:00

Previously on Lost...

042078
jack: Hey man, you hittin that?

carl_the_irishman
Jack: "Lemmie guess... one of you is pregnant???"

Captain______Sandwich
Jack: OK HURLEY, Enough is ENOUGH! That is NOT what I look like when I cry.

LIONARTist
Jack: I told you two, not to drink the Diet Coke after eating the Mentos. Now you're both going to assplode and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

Sazyga
Jack: There. You're free.
Claire: Thank God!
Hurley: Dude, I thought that, like, only happened to dogs.

Jin-Rummy Edition
CAPSLOCKE
*jin tries to explain what happened with gestures*
SAWYER: they blindfolded you and made you play a game of "pin the tail on the drunken master"?

042078
Jin: Look, spaghetti arms. This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine. You gotta hold the frame. Now. Let's cha-cha.

Sazyga
Sawyer - I'll wait until they bring us some fanny wipes. Thanks, though.

Shaw-Shan Redemption Edition

kharmabites
Sawyer: Thinking
This move used to work on all the chicks at the movie theater. You've still got it Sawyer! She's checkin out your muscles!
Shannon: Thinking
God I need a manicure.

carl_the_irishman
Shannon: Nope, my abs are definitely harder than you biceps...
Sawyer: That's because plastic is harder than flesh, Barbie...

UMRMech
"No, I've never heard of a position called 'The Noisy Tree Frog' before."

CAPSLOCKE
SAWYER: you're on my stick, sticks
SHANNON: um... sticksticks? what's that?
SAWYER: stick comma sticks!

Trickle O' Sweat Edition

2007-08-28T13:00:00.000-04:00

042078
Boone: I swear the Ads say it is strong enough for a man...why don't you at least TRY it?

llanoestacada
Boone: OK, OK. One more time around the terminal then you have to go back to your sweat lodge. People are starting to stare.

Empty_Cans
Locke: Boone! quick! push, I see it, my toupee flew over there ...

LIONARTist
Locke: "Who's got Schwedie Balls? ME, that's who!"

UMRMech
"And I still say that the lead in Lord of the Dance can go to someone in a wheelchair!"

Mousetrap Edition

2007-08-28T12:28:00.000-04:00

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Kid: So how do we go about catching the mouse?
John throws a knife at the boy's head
John: We hunt.

zosogirl28
Don't tell me what I can't do!!!!!!!!!

MingoLeger
Locke: If you can master this, in about 10-15 years I'll show you how to open a hatch.

PoeFan1
Locke: No son, you don't use real cheese to catch the mouse. Ummmm... are you gonna eat that?

Rygc
Yep, I'm the world champion mousetrapper! I almost won an all-expense paid trip to a tropical island. Well, maybe next year!

hatch_n_sniff
Boy: Mister is that a boy mouse or a girl mouse? My mommy says all you have to do is put one girl mouse dancing around that pole and you'll catch all kinds of daddy mouses.

jonny4reel
hey mistor is this mowsetrap?
no you stupid kid its not now shoo

darien_ambrose
Boy: Look you old geezer. I told you I ain't interested in no stupid game. I asked you where I can find the blue vests.

BelleLP9
Man, even working at a box company would be a better job than this.

SHPdonsNoApparel
"I wish someone would just throw me out of a window"

Texashummingbird
Locke: Man, I really wanted that front door greeter job. Working in the toy dept. sucks.

BelleLP9
What do you think? Should I shave my head? In the flashforward, I look better with no hair than I do now. What's a flashforward? Oh, nevermind.

Action_Potential
Locke: "it's called Mousetrap. It's my favorite game. First you set the trap, then... when the mouse lands on the cheese wheel, your father steals your kidney, and never calls you again, and pushes you out of a window, and breaks your legs, and they won't let you on a walkabout adventure, and so your plane crashes on a deserted island, where there's a scary smoke monster and a whiny doctor who won't leave you alone, and you meet this bug-eyed guy who shoots you into a pit of skeletons, and then you get up and throw a knife at the rescue lady, and everyone hates you forever, YEAH REAL FUN GAME HUH?"

Action_Potential
John Locke Mousetrap commercial take 2!
Locke: "It's called mousetrap. It's my favorite game actually. I used to play it with my brother. First you set the trap, then you strap a little C4 here, and little C4 there, and then when the mouse lands on th...*KABOOM!*"
Cut!

Action_Potential
John Locke mousetrap commercial take 3!
Locke: "Hey kiddo, it's called mousetrap. It's my favorite game actually. First you set the trap, then you move the bucket over here, then you put this special paste I made under your eyes, then you enter into what we call "the sweat lodge", then zombie boone appears to you and takes to an airport and tells you someone is in danger, then you get all colonel bloody kurtz and you go into a cave to battle a polar bear, but your friend dies (it's all your fault btw) and you follow directions from the carvings of a stick that he left behind"
Cut!

SHPdonsNoApparel
Locke: "Normally you would put a metal ball in here, but if you don't have one, a kidney bean will do"

cmsmith68
Locke: Then you put a little vodka in this bucket, the mouse drinks it, it passes out, then ****BAM!!!!!*** you smash it with this Jesus Stick and bury it in a shallow grave.

hatch_n_sniff
You Locke?
Yeah…
You Roussoue's kid?
Yeah…
GAME ON!!!

hatch_n_sniff
Locke: Hey, Little Jimmy.You want to play Mousetrap? No, not after the way you just sunk my Battleship with a M-80 firecracker.

Texashummingbird
Locke: hey kid, put your quarter in here...the Mousetrap demands a sacrifice

hatch_n_sniff
Kid: So you're telling me if I don't catch this mouse every 108 minutes, what will happen??

Action_Potential
Locke: "It's called mousetrap. It's my favorite game. First you set the trap, and then you..."
Kid: "Umm is that a real dead mouse?"
Locke: "Well of course, the mousetrap demanded a sacrifice, kiddo."

appathetic_and_confused
Locke: What are you doing in the adult game section? No this is called spouse trap, not for kids.

Goony123
"First you drop this metal ball in here. That makes the boot kick up over here, which makes the marble roll down the chute onto the diver who THROWS HIS OWN SON OUT A WINDOW. OH DAD! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY!!!! and then the cage drops down onto the mouse. Isn't that neat?"

bringingSazyback
Kid: Man, I told you, I just want to know where the bathroom is.
Locke: And I told you, just piss in this.

bringingSazyback
Locke: You and me are going to play a little game, see. A little game of Mousetrap.
Kid: But I don't wanna....
Locke: And the winner gets Helen, see? You got that? The loser walks away, right?
Kid: Who is...
Locke: Shut up, sit down, and pick a mouse.

bringingSazyback
Locke: I gotta special purpose. Want to see it?
Kid: MOM!

lockesladyluv
he's gonna tell me to pull his finger, i just know it.... and i have no idea where that finger's been....

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
John: If you think this big ol' hunk of plastic is fun, you should see this thing Helen has.
Kid: What?
John: Never mind. Man, I need to quit drinking during my lunch hour.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
John: No, kid, this is not a new game. This is an exact scale replica of my latest and greatest invention......Smoke Monster Trap!

TheGeoff
And I hear there's a doctor in Miami who can impregnate those daddy mouses.

rememberGoodwin
Ya see Jimmy, you can be one of three things. A hunter, a farmer or a mousetrapper. I know which I am Jimmy, and some day, some day, you'll know which you are too, Jimmy.

TheGeoff
Kid: It's a trap, right? For catching animals?
Locke: Hand me that glue over there.
Kid: I give up. What is it?
Locke: It's a cradle!

rememberGoodwin
Ya see Jimmy, mousetrap is a complicated game. Some ....might say it's science. That science makes the trap come down. But others.....they know it takes faith for the trap to come down at just the right moment.. You have to believe, Jimmy.....you have to believe the trap will fall when it's suppose to. There's a reason it falls Jimmy....we may not know it....but there's a reason. We have to believe it Jimmy.
(I am so reminded of Captain Kirk with Locke's dramatic pauses.)

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
John: ...and then you push the button every 108 minutes, which saves the world and keeps the mouse safe from the trap.
Kid: That doesn't sound like the same game my dad told me about.
ohn: Yeah, well you can't trust everything your dad tells you, trust me.

hatch_n_sniff
Locke: Tommy, can you hear me?
Tommy, can you see me?
You're a "Mousetrap Wizzard"

The_Deli_Llama
Locke "---Ssee how the mouse got its legs caught under the falling trap? It's called foreshadowing."

CoolHandLocke
Locke: "You're a cheater, kid. You think you can come in here and play mousetrap, and move the pieces as you please, and communicate with the outside world whenever you want to. You're a hypocrite, a pharisee, kid. You don't deserve to play this mousetrap. If you had ANY idea what this mousetrap was really like, if you had any idea about the MAGIC of mousetrap..."
Kid: "I'm just looking for my dad"

CoolHandLocke
Kid: "mister, mister, help me, i lost my mommy!"
Locke: "Don't worry, the mousetrap will tell us what to do"

CoolHandLocke
Locke: "mousetrap is the greatest game in the world. Do you wanna know a secret, Walt?"
Kid: "My name is Brian"

Rocc_Holliday
Locke: The Others have infiltrated Walmart, I must enter 77.
kid: dab si nottub eht ,nottub eht hsup t'nod

Rocc_Holliday
Locke: why do you find it so hard to play this game?
kid: why do you find it so easy?
Locke: IT'S NEVER BEEN EASY!!

fedrich519
Hey Mister, aren't you a little old to be working here?

French Translation Edition

2007-08-28T11:31:00.000-04:00

cmsmith68
Shannon: What does C A T spell?

LIONARTist
Shannon (thinking to herself): "I can't believe it. Whenever all my other boyfriends said they wanted to do homework together, it meant they wanted to make out. But this guy ACTUALLY wants to do homework"

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Shannon..lets see..uumm...Un Pingouin...penguin,,i think...and aaa,,un kangourou..aaa.. geezz..oh! Kangaroo!..and aaaa..et un pre'tre..ooh..aaaa,, uumm..a priest!!.. yea a priest!!!...marchez dans un cafe'..marchez dans un cafe"..waa..waalk in ..to ..aaa uum cafe!
..A penguin, a Kangaroo and a priest walk into a bar,,,
Sayid.." Yes ! Yes! Go On Go on!"

hatch_n_sniff
"Wow, these Dharma Initiative Entrance Exams are tough."

talkswithhands
Sayid: Now remember Shannon, this has to be completely confidential!
Shannon: Yes, I realize that Sayid. Our safety would certainly be in danger if the truth got out!
Sayid: Okay, which threads are going today? Being the moderators for the General Board IS sure a difficult job.

rememberGoodwin
Not even being stuck on a deserted island can stop these soduko fanatics.

rememberGoodwin
The Losties had been on the island for soooo long it was necessary to create a planning department.
Sayid's paper: Your proposal for a tent expansion has been denied. Pelase refer to section 42a, which states no tent shall interfer with beach accessability and beach views of established tents in the camp.

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Sayid..." Not so fast Shannon.. make sure I got that rite,,How,,do,, you,,keep,,,a,,, blonde,,busy"

Action_Potential
Sayid: Say, Shannon, what's another word for pirate treasure?
Shannon: Um, booty?

PoeFan1
Geico $250.00
Progressive $200.00
AIG $195.00
Shannon thinking: Why doesn't Hurley review his own stupid Dharma van insurance quotes!
Sayid thinking: Hurley promised I could use the Dharma van to take Shannon parking if I helped him with these insurance quotes.

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Sayid.." psst Shannon...do you think any one will wonder where we got fresh pencils from?
Shannon.." not only the pencils,, but Sharpened Pencils!,,shhh. just act like nothings abnormal..no one will notice.."

llanoestacada
Shannon: "What? Over $200 for "Soul Glo"? We can't keep this up.
Sayid: "And $250 for peticures. Perhaps you could cut back to once a month?

lockesladyluv
shannon: i think he likes me... i mean really likes me in a likes likes me sort of way... he is kinda cute and he does have nice eyes... i guess anything would be better that that queer little step brother of mine or that old geezer who eats rats... maybe he'll ask me to the dance this friday down by the bamboo grove... maybe he'll kiss me and we'll fall in love and have lots of island babies...
sayid: she's skinny but i'd do her...

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Shannon..." Le cheval de Locke n'a pas eu un mouvement d'entrailles..I.. I have no idea what that means Sayid.."
Sayid.." I suspect Locke is rite in the middle of all this.."

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Shannon: Sayid, did you just give me a map that leads to the zipper on your pants?
Sayid: Indeed, I did. I have something I would like you to do, so I thought I'd draw you a map. I got the idea from Henry Gale and Anna Lucia.
Shannon: Henry Gale and Anna Lucia? Who are they?
Sayid: We haven't met them yet, but they'll both be around in a few months time.
Shannon: Wait a minute. If we haven't met them, how did you get the map idea from them?
Sayid: I saw it in a flash forward.
Shannon: Flash forward? I thought we only had flash backs?
Sayid: No, no, you stupid harlot. Flash backs are so yesterday. Flash forwards are all the rage now, pretty soon we'll all be having them.
Shannon: I'm confused.
Sayid: Yes, I'm sure you are. Here, follow this map to my zipper and you will find the answers you seek.
Shannon: Well, OK, if you say so.
Sayid: (thinking) I love this island.

TheGeoff
Sayid: Can you read this? What does it say?
Shannon: To whom it may concern, we are survivors of Flight 815. We have survived on this island for 80 days. There's also some Scottish guy who was not on the plane. He claims he has lived through this before, and says he knows I'm going to die. But I don't believe him. There's no such thing as time travel, right?

TheGeoff
Shannon: I can't believe what this says!
Sayid: What does it say?
Shannon: Snape just told Harry--
Sayid: No! I don't want to hear any Harry Potter spoilers! Let me enjoy the book without knowing what will happen!

darien_ambrose
Shannon: Oh....my gawd. You get your tank tops at the same store I do.

darien_ambrose
Shannon: Sayid, this is just a map of the holes you're going to dig. And why is this one labeled with my name?
Sayid: Please, focus on translating.
Shannon: You did get that tank top at the same store I did..the one in Paris. You lyer...you've been in France.
Sayid: Time to dig your hole.

Action_Potential
Sayid: According to my calculations, the distance from the pirate treasure at location X squared + Y squared, take the square root of that and divide it by iteration time over a period of 16 years, means that I shall be finding Shannon's booty by approximately supper time tonight....
Shannon: Um, did you just say something?
Sayid: Just keep translating.

hatch_n_sniff
Sayid attempts to build a humanoid with leftover body parts and electronics from the crash. Blonde and beautiful, his creation only lacks a left arm and brain.

gretchielost
Sayiede: And what does that look like to you?
Shannon, looking at ink blot: An Arabic man and a blond bimbo playing patty cake.
Sayiede: Mmmmm

avoidnwork
Shannon to Sayid: Are you sure we still have to do taxes?

talkswithhands
Sayid: Hmmm, what do you think Shannon? should we allow them to say a $ $ or is that too risque'?
Shannon: no a$$ is fine. But if they EVER say "Mods are clods" again...
Both: IP BANNED FOR SURE!

Cheezeee
Shannon: at least you're a better tutor thn Jack. He used to wipe his tears before he handed me the sheet.

kharma_bites
Shannon:
Huh, my horoscope says I'm going to be in a hole soon.
Sayid:
Funny, so does mine.

talkswithhands
Sayid: Look Shannon, if you ever want to get ahead in life, you need a college education. You know that Dharma U. only accepts the best students, so just keep studying for your ACTs.
Shannon: Whatever.

TheGeoff
The last show I was on, we had to memorize our lines. It's so much easier when they let us read them!

Rocc_Holliday
Shannon: the electrical jargon for this radio is just so damn confusing . . .
Sayid: that's because you're reading the spanish side

appathetic_and_confused
Shanon: whats this? Oh, Kama sutra.....
Sayid: it's upside down
Shanon: (turns upside down) Kinky!

Another Day, Another Wardrobe Crisis...Again....

2007-08-28T10:56:00.000-04:00

darien_ambrose
Desmond: I can't believe I'm actually in Godspell.

CoolHandLocke
"The universe has a way of course correcting and -- and I can't stop it forever. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because no matter what I try to do, I'm gonna lose my shirt inexplicably again, Annie!"

General_Board
By the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong.

zosogirl28
A shirtless Desmond makes the world go 'round!

shootingstar815
Desmond leads the Charlie Pace Fan Club to their next meeting.

rememberGoodwin
Ok, casual, casual. When I catch up to them I have to be casual. Ok. 'Hi your him'. No, too much. 'Hey, aren't you'. Better, ok. Don't rush to questions about the flashforwards, slowly, get them in slowly. Don't scare him off, he has to know something about the flashforwards.

hatch_n_sniff
To the right of picture:
Memorial cross where Mikile was killed in a motocycle accident.
To the left of the picture:
Memorial cross where Mikile died from being struck by a bus.
Down the road on the right:
Memorial cross where Mikile died from an unknown object falling from the sky.

OneArmyedDonkey
The beach can't be much further now!

talkswithhands
Woman thinking: Oh man, I am gonna end up with a farmer tan if I can't get my sleeves rolled up...
Des thinking: dumb tourists

grannieindisguise
A shirtless Desmond makes the world go 'round!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*thud*
sound of fangirl striking pavement

Action_Potential
Crazy Lost fan: "DESMOND! HEY DESMOND! I'm from the future, brotha! Wait for me! I love you Desmond!"
Henry's wife: "Who's that, honey?"
Henry: "Don't turn around, just keep walking, just keep walking and laughing"

hatch_n_sniff
Des' one son yells to the other, "Wait up Brotha."

llanoestacada
Working with Juliet, Des surreptitiously collects and successfully clones some Olsen twin DNA changing the chromosome.
Desmond: "He he...I'll never have to work another day of my life!"

darien_ambrose
Desmond: teehheee...Ah, I love a semi-nudist colony. It's not completely nude and not completely clothed.

shootingstar815
Dez flashes back to the early years of the Suite Life of Zack and Cody.

SHPdonsNoApparel
Desmond: "That one up in the front - he may have your feet, but he's got My chest. Tell er' laddie"

LncshrLassinMI
Jogger: What are the odds?.....I borrow my brother's shorts to go for a quick jog, and who do I run into.......
If I pull my shirt over my head, perhaps noone will recognize me.........
Photographer: Look behind him.... Angelina!!!!

captainaeon
Des thinks "I flash back, I flash forward, I flash into an alternative universe. But no matter where I flash, Damon Lindeloff is still following me!!!"

radioactive_4
I get fired from the set of Sex in the City because those girls steal the wardrobe ... There's no way I'm losing this job! ... I'm getting those pants off him no matter what!

lost826fan
You mean there's someone else in the picture besides Desmond???

hatch_n_sniff
"I love being Desmond's son. I had a 17 year old girl ask me to sign her bare bun cheecks. "

042078
Were there no scissors as well as no hairbrushes?

Rocc_Holliday
chick in the back talking to herself: "I'm not British, so why does he keep calling me Super Nanny?"
Des: "Hurry up, Supah Nanny!"
chick: I wonder if he's ever seen The Hand That Rocks the Cradle . . .

CoolHandLocke
"Ever since I turned the failsafe key, I keep getting these flashes of me and you walking down a road while being chased by a jogging female terminator from the future!"

hatch_n_sniff
Sawyer: "Ain't that cute. It's Dr. and Mrs. Seuess with Thing One and Thing Two."

LIONARTist
Kids on bikes: "What's the buzz? Tell me what's a happening. What's the buzz?...tell me what's happening...."
Des: "Please tell them to stop singing that song, dear. I am NOT Jesus"
Wife: "Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we'll get by, so forget all about us toniiiiight"
Des: "Lord, help me"

lucky4me8
Alternate Course Course Correction / Flash-Forward # 13:

Desmond has a barrow in the market place,
Molly is the singer in a band.
Desmond says to Molly "girl I like your face" --
And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand.
Obladi oblada life goes on brahh...La la how the life goes on.

Desmond takes a trolley to the (same) jewelry store...
Buys a twenty carat golden ring (this time, for Molly).
Takes it back to Molly waiting at the door.
And as he gives it to her she begins to sing.
Obladi oblada life goes on brahhh...La la how the life goes on.

In a couple of years they have built a home sweet home,
With a couple of kids running in the yard,
Of Desmond and Molly Jones...

hatch_n_sniff
Boys: "Great, Dad's taking us out on the boat. By the time we got back last time our hair was past our waist."

Rygc
Thinking: "I am just going to march up to him and ask him............darn right............and he'd better tell me if they're really in freakin' purgatory!!!"
To Desmond: "Oh, excuse me, sir, you are my biggest fan!!" Dang, I blew it again! I am so pathetic!

angel_isthecenterfold
Des: **flashes a grin and says with a swagger** Why yes, I am Jesus. But the abc folks still insist that i have an undercover bodyguard at all times. Oh well. Meet Delilah.
Did you see me in the Gospel of John ...

More Eyeshadow! Stat!

2007-08-28T09:17:00.000-04:00

cmsmith68
Jack: Boar's blood makes excellent rouge! Here, let me rub a little on your cheek.

TheGeoff
As soon as I'm done screwing the head on, it will look just like her!

captainaeon
Jack--'Uh, Kate, why didn't you tell me you had superglue on your face before I touched it???'
Kate thinks Mwaaaaaahaha! At last, he is mine!!!

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
..let me have a look here,, uh huh..uh huh...Just as i thought!..Sawyer really needs to get his hickey placement together..

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
you sure Kate??!! Are You Sure??
Yes Jack..
No, seriously Kate, Are you sure??
Jack relax,, absolutely no handcuffs were involved..

LIONARTist
Jack: "Are you sure you've been tested for ALL the various STDs? This looks an awful lot like......"
Kate: "I swear, it's just a cut from the crash!"

LIONARTist
Kate thinking to herself: "Oh....my.....gawd. Is that the same finger I just saw him scratching his butt with?"

Action_Potential
Jack: Smell my finger, what does it smell like, kate?
Kate: *Sign* Fishbiscuits

Addicted_To_Love
Jack: Awwww Kate...I'm gonna cry!!
**tears up...booohooo**
Kate: You really are a wimp!

lockesladyluv
if you taste me i'll taste you

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
.Kate I warned you about Julie.. Heck ,One time She coldcocked me into Charlietown..
..Charlietown??
..Omg,,is Dez lurking somewhere around here?

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
..Ya doin great Kate!,,Keep yur guard up and keep that left jab workin!!Okay!!,, Jab ! Jab! Jab!,,A few more and Charlie will out for the count!!...

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
..Yep.. tree Frog Kiss..geez Kate,, is there anything that doesn't luv you?

appathetic_and_confused
If you turn your head like this you look like slyvester stalone

Rygc
Jack: Me? A vampire? No, I just want to kiss you on the neck, Kate......you've been watching too many horror flicks.
Kate: Then why do you have fangs, Jack?
Jack: It was Bernard. He said it would attract the ladies. Nice job, huh? Now, this won't hurt a bit, Kate..............

back_gammon
LOL! Fangs like this?!

Rygc
I like it, I like it! Love the eyebrows, too! Jack has never looked better.

rememberGoodwin
Heard from behind Jack, slowly getting louder as he gets closer. and closer....
Jack...JACK....Stop Jack.....I'm the dentist here! Jack, come on, your not a dentist I am! It's all I have Jack, it's the only thing I can do, let me do it. I need to do this Jack. For Rose's sake, I need to be the dentist.

Short Bits 1

2007-08-28T09:14:00.000-04:00

Woe, Thy Name is Juliet

captainaeon
No, there isn't an island full of disfunctional plane crash survivors and evil Others under my fingernail! That's just crazy...

MissingPlane
OOooh..i wish that ant on the floor would SHUT UP!

MissingPlane
..ETHAN!! ETHAN,,not,,a good time..for banging ..on the ..pipes.. NOT!

MissingPlane
,,OH CRAP!! I forgot to lock the cages!!

LIONARTist
Ryan Seacrest is not in my bed. Ryan Seacrest is not in my bed. Ryan Seacrest is not in my bed. OMG! Ryan Seacrest IS in my bed. It was only 3 long island ice teas...HOW IN THE WORLD COULD THIS HAPPEN!

CAPSLOCKE
"doh! i just watched the pilot episode like 20 times in slow motion, and now you tell me that this missed clue was a hoax?!"

Orientation

UMRMech
"Alright Ben, I say that this is the red one. But I really don't see why I have to go through all of this just for another piece of French Toast."

silverhalo1217
"You want me to pin the tail on your what?!?!"

Patchcrazy
You can tell I'm related to Sun because my hairstyle is the same. All the answers are in the background!! keep looking for easter eggs!"

MissingPlane
Headline:..GEORGE FINALLY IDENTIFIED!!

justacoolguy36
behind the scenes footage of how Paulo and Nikki got picked to be the new characters.

Hush, Hush, Sweet Ethan

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts

As a contestant in the first ever Dharma Talent Show, Ethan Rom does his impression of rapper Eminem in the movie 8 Mile:

Ethan: You better lose yourself in the jungle, we're Dharma, we'll harm ya, we're never gonna let you go. You only had one shot, but John Locke decided to blow the submarine all to hell and now you're stuck here, yo.

Ben: ::off camera:: I'll be so glad when we get to the episode where Charlie kills him.

Smells Like Boone Spirit

2007-08-28T08:54:00.000-04:00

silverhalo1217
Boone: Oh, p-friggin-u! Jack, did you just cut one?

llanoestacada
Boone: "Yes, right up there on the left a bit. A big, black, swoopy thingy."
Jack: "I don't know, Boone. Looked like a CGI aritfact to me."

LIONARTist
Boone: "How's this, Jack? *Sniffle* Ugghhh-ugghhh"
Jack: "Not bad. But you have to put more emotion into it, and the tears really have to flow. Try not to make too much noise either. Crying is more believeable if it's silent. You get more sympathy that way"
Boone: "Thanks, Jack. You're a great teacher"

darien_ambrose
Jack: We just need two more metrosexuals and then we can call our band Duran Duran!
Boone: Uh, man! I smell like I sound.

Rygc
Boone: Well, pilgrim, looks like we'll have to put the wagons in a circle."
Jack: Ooo, ooo, don't tell me.............William Shatner? Chuck Norris?

llanoestacada
Boone: "Doc, my arm hurts when I do this."
Jack: "Don't do that."
Ba da bump.

Rygc
Jack: Ewwww! Use a tissue, will ya?
Boone: You should talk! Have you seen how filthy your face is?

darien_ambrose
Jack: I'm not sure if it's the result of our plane crashing or that this island manipulates time...but it's like I'm looking at myself 10 years younger.
Boone: I'm in love with my sister.

PoeFan1
Boone: I really need a kleenex, my nose is running like crazy!
Jack: Ewwww, now your arm hair is going to be all sticky!

MingoLeger
Boone: Jack, I'm really scared! Who knows what we might find on this island! There might be crazy French women with rifles! Or people who wear fake beards and capture children! Or mysterious hatches! Or black smokey monster thingies, or . . . . .
Jack: I'm in love with your sister too.

foom2
"Ughhhh Hurley if your gonna cut the cheese at least warn us"!

rememberGoodwin
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Don't you?"
"No."

Leah173
Jack: [about Kate] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
Boone: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Jack: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Boone: It's quite pungent.
Jack: Oh yeah.
Boone: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Jack: Yep.
Boone: Jack, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Jack: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
Boone: That doesn't make sense.
Jack: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

Goony123
Jack: "Look, for the last time, I have the ascot so I get to be Fred. Now get over here and be my Daphne."

Rygc
Boone: Gag! We gotta dig us a new latrine, Jack. That's just nasty!
Jack: I'll go tell Sayid to dig a deeper hole...........

TheGeoff
Jack: There's a lot in this wreckage. Maybe we'll find something useful.
Boone: Let's try to find my watch.

LIONARTist
Jack: "For God's sake, Boone, USE A KLEENEX! Didn't your parents ever teach you how to wipe your nose?!! Is that the same hand you eat with?!! I think you're making me sick. I mean it, you are really making me want to hurl."

Say "Cheese" Edition

2007-08-27T14:28:00.000-04:00

MingoLeger
Guy behind the doctor in the grey robe: Hey everyone! I found a peep hole to the women's showers!!!!!

bringingSazyback
Doc: Say queso!
Hurley: Dude, just cause I'm latino.....that's not cool.
Doc: Okay, say cheese!
Hurley: That's kind of mean you know. I've got a plate of rabbit food here. I'd kill for some cheese. And ranch dressing. A big vat of ranch dressing, right here in the chair next to me, so I can dip my rabbit food in it. THAT would make me smile my a** off man.
Doc: Okay okay, I'm just going to count to three. 1....2....3
Leonard: 4! 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42
Hurley: Now look at what you did.

grannieindisguise
Dave? Dave's not here.

Rygc
Hey, Dave, can I take your picture? Who's your visible friend?

cmsmith68
Hugo, this is for the before photo spread.

Queen_of_Slack
Dave, could you move in a little closer to Hurley?

darien_ambrose
Ok, just one more photo for Nurse Ratched's album.
Leonard: I'm not just talking about my wife, I'm talking about my LIFE, I can't seem to get that through to you. I'm not just talking about one person, I'm talking about everybody. I'm talking about form. I'm talking about content. I'm talking about interrelationships. I'm talking about God, the devil, Hell, Heaven. Do you understand... FINALLY?

bringingSazyback
Hurley: So.....what's this for again?
Doc: Just a picture Hugo. I need to show you something.
Hurley: Dude, there is no bird living in my hair.
Doc: There is! Everytime I have you in session it pokes it's feathery little head out and gestures at me with it's tiny little wing, and I know it's flipping me off, I just know it! And I am going to prove it! Say cheese you little.....
Hurley: (to Leonard) Something tells me this guy is about to huck a water fountain out the window lol.

bringingSazyback
Hurley: Doc, why are you holding Dennis against the wall with your hiney?
Doc: He won't stay out of the shot.
Dennis: mmffff
Hurley: I don't think he can breathe dude.
Doc: He's fine .
Dennis: MMFFFFFF!!!!

Rocc_Holliday
Hurley: "dude, check out my new tat! get a picture of it!!"
Doc: "alright, flash the camera. I swear Crazy People Gone Wild will be a hit!"

Rygc
Hurley: You know, Dave, I'm getting pretty fed up with the paparazzi! You grab his camera and I'll deck him.....count of three.........

Sawyers_Sidekick
Sex addict Steve is at it again! This time he humps the door!

lockesladyluv
hey doc, you're zipper's open.....

TheGeoff
Photographer: It's Jorge Garcia! The Enquirer will pay me thousands of dollars for this photo!
Jorge Garcia: Go away, we're in the middle of filming a scene!

talkswithhands
Photog: ...and you will be the plus size model for this season's "Who will be America's Next Top PJ Model. Miss J is gonna loooove you!"

ImZira
Dr. ...."Yeah baby that's it! Work it for me!"
(Aside to assistants) "Hey guys-turn on the wind machine!"
"Yeah- that's hot! I've never worked with more sultry celery! "

Rygc
Dave, would you stop making that V sign over Hurley's head??

Six-Pack Abs Edition

2007-08-27T14:01:00.000-04:00

TheGeoff
Jack: You get Boone down here! Get him here right now, and if I'm drunker than he is, you can fire me!

Action_Potential
Boone: "Dont wanna sound like I suffer from lack of faith here John, but it just seems weird that the island would want me to get drunk in my underwear, that's all I'm saying"

hatch_n_sniff
OMG !!!!! ......... Boone only has four toes on his right foot.

General_Board
"Are you sure this is what they meant by 'product placement?'"

MingoLeger
Boone: 99 bottles of beer on the wall . . . . . . .

SHPdonsNoApparel
Person taking picture: Ian, is that a heini in your hand or are you just happy to see me?

Rygc
It'll make your career, they said. You inherit a big company and sleep with your half-sister, they said. Just sign on the bottom line, they said. Wha' happened? I needs another beer.

Rygc
So I've taken a role on a new show called 'LOST'.........what's it about? Well, from what I understand, a plane crash on a mysterious island, a polar bear, a smoke monster and a doctor who cries alot. I figure the island is just an analogy for Purgatory. They're gonna be so glad they hired me. Yup, (swigs his beer and burps) I got it made, man!

rememberGoodwin
Creeaaaakk.....opens door to the room......step step......walks in a little and looks around then straight ahead.......Hm. So this purgatory?.....puts hands on hips.... Better than I thought. I think I can stay here awhile.

OneArmyedDonkey
Boone: in best Anna Nicole Smith Voice ~~"Do you like my bodday?"~~

_Sasquatch_
Got Daddy issues?

Action_Potential
"Schwing!"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ian: I can't believe it. I thought I was lock to be in 300 after Rodrigo pulled some strings and got me an audition. "Your body isn't good enough to play a Spartan", they said. "We might be able to use you as a female extra", they said. Oh well, I still have the two LOST flashbacks coming up, that's something. Oh who am I kidding? I'm a loser, a has-been.........I need another beer.

LIONARTist
Boone: "They say that you really only rent beer. I just decided to skip the middle man"

kharma_bites
Boone: What? The doc said to put something cold on it to help the swelling!

llanoestacada
*Boone's mom, banging on wall from other room(*
"Stop that or you'll go blind!"
dontlookatme
'... This beer would taste better if it was related to me..."

_Sasquatch_
"I got Jack all those pens, and then I got shannon to help, and I tried to use CPR but couldn't do it right...and no one appreciate me...*gulp gulp*"

_Sasquatch_
"after that crappy dharma beer this stuff is amazing!"

MingoLeger
Boone: I run my mother's wedding business. What the heck did you THINK I'd be drinking? Too bad these bottles don't come with little umbrellas.

Lamson Tube Edition

2007-08-27T13:20:00.000-04:00

General_Board
Sawyer: "Look Doc, all I'm sayin' is, if DHARMA coulda read your handwriting on that prescription, maybe the suppositories they sent wouldn't be this big."

hatch_n_sniff
Sawyer: What is it Doc?
Jack: It's pictures of us with some sort of captions written alongside. Hey these guys are good; Back Gammon, Mingo,Lionartist,Geoff and a bunch of others.

rememberGoodwin
Ok Dude, act innocent....they don't know this pile of thermoses is one of your stashes. Just act cool....they didn't see the pile of matching lunchboxes....just act surprised and don't make eye contact.....be cool.....they'll just think it's the Others, they do a lot of weird stuff.

darien_ambrose
Jack reading his fortune: You will meet with a big surprise.
Hurley: You gotta say "in bed" at the end.

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Jack reading notebook: "'I have been observing the doctor from the crash...he seems to cry a lot...' wtf? I don't cry a lot!"
Hurley: "Dude, you really do..."
Kate: "You do cry a lot Jack..."
Sawyer: "You give Meryl Streep a run for her money there, doc."

BelleLP9
I'm sick of reading these "report violation" reports............we've got real problems to deal with!!

LIONARTist
Jack: "It says "Dear Mr. Abrams, thank you for your submission. But we are not accepting any scripts at this time. Especially not scripts about strange occurances on an island in the south Pacific". It's signed, "Rupert Murdock". What could that mean?"

TheGeoff
According to this map, the big pile of tubes with papers in them should be 108 paces ahead. Kate, get up, we're almost there!

MingoLeger
Jack: This one says, "HELP! I'm being held captive on this island in a perfectly lovely community with air conditioning, running water, a game room and a book club, but I want to go home to my sister!!!!!"
Sawyer: Yeah, right.
Kate: She's probably a b!tch.
Hurley: Hey, think there are any Apollo bars in these?

OneArmyedDonkey
Sawyer: Let's grab Michael and build a tube raft

TheGeoff
Sawyer: No, don't open the tubes!
Kate: There's a piece of paper in each one, and they each have a word or two on them.
Sawyer: Don't read them!
Kate: Stay Puft ... Dr. Quinn ... Captain Arab ... Mr. Clean ...
Hurley: Dude, those are the nicknames you've been calling us! Someone's sending them to you!
Sawyer: You didn't really think I came up with them on my own, did you, over ... weight ... man?

mlj2298
Jack: These are all filled with naked pictures of your mom Sawyer.
Sawyer: WHAT????
Hurley: Dude........that's messed up.

back_gammon
Jack: It's another one about who is in the coffin.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch.

darien_ambrose
Jack: It's all the deleted L.O.S.T threads.
Sawyer: Now do you see who we're up against?

llanoestacada
Jack (reading): "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." It says that over and over again?
Hurley: "Whoever it is, they must know you!"

rememberGoodwin
Jack: Dear Santa, I've been very good this year. I want a new dolly and a skateboard for my brother.
Hmm, so this is where the post offices send all those letters.

cmsmith68
Hurley: Any Mr. Cluck's in any of these tubes?

darien_ambrose
Jack: It says here on my cable bill ~service fee~, I mean it's on here twice...what exactly is a "service fee" anyways?
Sawyer: You know that crappy tv remote they give ya? where half the buttons don't work? Well it means they're charging you rent every month for it.

Rygc
Kate: I can't believe it..............all these freakin' tubes say "Sorry, try again". I never win anything!
Hurley: Consider yourself lucky........
Sawyer: Freckles, even if you win, how you gonna collect? They ain't bringing you a free coffee all the way out here.

radioactive_4
Sawyer: Looks like this island need to have it's tubes tied.
Hurley: Tubular dude!

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Jack: "I wonder why Dharma felt the need to drop ship all these tubes of vagisil out here?
Sawyer: "Why do you find it so hard to believe they'd do that?"
Jack: "Why do find it so easy?!?!?!?"

ALDILA
Hurley: And all along I thought the Others recycled.

ALDILA
Jack: So this is where all the lost checks at the bank are.

OneArmyedDonkey
Hurley: One of these has to have a dollar in it!

darien_ambrose
Kate: hee-hee-ha, we're all wearing backpacks...what are the odds?

ginnyphreak
kate-they used these at the bank i robbed.
jack-what? why can't i meet a normal girl
kate-oops

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
JACK,," Dear Damon and Carlton,,,Why doesn't Hurley lose any weight?..How come Kate is always dirty? What is up with Sawyer always being a d i c k? And whats up with Jacks tat? .."..

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: It says, "Dear Mr. Shephard, we need to speak to you immediately about your unpaid loan. According to our records, you have been out of medical school for 8 years and have yet to make a single payment. Please contact us immediately to settle this account. Sincerely, Sallie Mae."
Sawyer: Son of a b!tch.
Kate: How in the hell did you find you on an island that can't be detected?
Hurley: Dude, I would offer to help you out, but apparently I can't trust you to pay me back either.

TheGeoff
Jack: These are the suggestions fans wrote in.
Sawyer: We can't read all of them! Pick one at random, Freckles.
Kate: Stop airing reruns.
Hurley: We can do that. Just go nine months without airing any episodes at all. What does the next one say?
Kate: Explain Jack's tattoos.

VeiledLaughter
Sawyer: "Alright, Jack. You're the doctor. Why does Kate keep pooping out these tubes?"
Hurley: "Aww, dude, I just stepped in one."

TheGeoff
Jack: What did you find, Kate?
Kate: Nothing, just a series of tubes.
Hurley: Dude, didn't you know that some senator said the internet is a series of tubes? We found the internet!
Sawyer: Well, what are you waiting for? Send this senator's office an internet. Unless someone's downloading ten movies, it should get there by Friday!

Rygc
Kate: (laughing hysterically) Tubes! Tubes! I found them and they're ALL MINE!!! Ah hahahahaha! All mine, I tell ya....
Hurley: But I shared the food with you...at least let me open one.
Sawyer: Come on, Freckles, give the dude a tube.
Kate: What'll you give me for it, Hurley? And no, not a ride in a net........
Jack: (cries) (What else?)

lockesladyluv
if you are reading this note, you may be standing in the middle of the largest pile of plastic rabbit poooo left here by the world's largest blow-up bunny.... congratulations! grab the shovel and start digging!

The Crying Game Edition

2007-08-27T12:26:00.000-04:00

BelleLP9
OK, the obvious:
*Jack thinking to himself* "Phew..........I really need some deodorant."

rememberGoodwin
Dude, I told you, I don't want to play charades. Why don't you get Locke, he said one of the Others played it with him. Ok. Fine (sigh) You're the Phantom of the Opera.

Rygc
Jack: Ew-w-w-w-w-w-w. Hurley, that one's got hang time!
Hurley: Sorry, dude, it's the combination of the ranch dressing and the Apollo bars.

LncshrLassinMI
Jack: OK, Hurley, I'll count to a hundred......you hide and I'll come and find you.
Hurley: (Rolls eyes) Whatever you say, dude.......just stop crying!

MingoLeger
Jack (crying, of course): B NE!!! Paul !!! CH LLY!!! T M!!!!
Hurley: Hey, what about Shannon, Libby and AnaLucia? They're dead too!
Jack: who?
Hurley: Ummmm . . . . looks like the Skaters are gonna win after all.

Rygc
Jack: And then (sob,sob) I turned my daddy in for being drunk in the operating room...........(wipes nose on his arm)
Hurley: Ya, well, I gotta go.....er......wash my hair, or something.

SHPdonsNoApparel
Jack: Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
Hurley: Um, Dude, I just asked how you were doing.

talkswithhands
Jack finds a holistic way to keep from "crying his eyes out". (Literally, they were falling out of his head.)
Hurley hurled.

OneArmyedDonkey
Jack: I can't stop crying!
Hurley: That time of the month?

Rygc
Hurley: Yep, I did the nasty with Kate before Sawyer did. And Juliette sneaks into my tent every night. Geez, it's so hard to be sexy!
Jack: Stop, stop, it's been so long since anyone has come to my tent............

___smitty___
Jack: it's smitty's birfday and i am stuck on this island!
Hurley: Dude, she doesn't even like you anyway......

llanoestacada
Hurley:"Look dude, if you're going to lead this group you're going to have to pull yourself together, man."
Jack: "I know, it's just the cumulative weight of managing the shifting dynamics of all the diverse personalities in a evolving enviornment."
Hurley: "Whatever".
Jack: "Thanks, man."
Hurley: "No problem."

Rygc
Jack: I think I just leaned in some bird poo - is there some on my elbow?
Hurley: Nope, your elbow is the only clean spot on your body, dude. Hit the showers, will ya?

PoeFan1
Jack: Hurley for goodness sake! Say it don't spray it!!!
Hurley: Sorry, dude. I just ate a mango.

OneArmyedDonkey
Jack: See, it helps if I wipe like this...
Hurley: You still stink Jack

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Jack: "sob sob sob"
Hurley: "Dude, all I said was 'I ate the last of the bananas'! Why do you find it so hard to keep yourself together?
Jack: "WHY DO YOU FIND IT SO EASY!?!??!?! Bananas.............. "

talkswithhands
Hurley: nyuck, nyuck, nyuck
Jack: Poke me in the eye again Hurley and I'll... oh, I know try it on Sawyer. He's nothin' but a stooge anyway!

Goony123
Jack: "What is this, a new tattoo? I don't remember seeing this one in the first season!"

Goony123
Hurley thinking: "Maybe if I stand reeaall stil, Jack will think I'm a tree."
Jack: ". . . eighteen... nineteen... twenty...Ready or not, hear I co... Hurley! I can see you standing there."
Hurley: "Dude, this game sucks."

hatch_n_sniff
Hurley: Who's up for a game of pocket pool, I'll go first.
Jack: No.....no.......No!!!!!!!!!!!!

llanoestacada
Jack: "And, touching Juliet, make blessed my rude hand. Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."
Hurley: "Whoa Dude, did that work?"
Jack: "Then she slapped me!"

LIONARTist
Jack: "An then...*sniff*...an then, Sawyer, *Uh*....Sawyer, he hit me with a piece of this big stick...*sniff*......an Jin.....Jin....he was lookin at me....*sob*.....real mean, an Charlie called me a big doody-pants...... *sob*........ an nobody will play wif me anymore....waaaahhhh!"
Hurley: " I hate these time shifts"

TheGeoff
Stop crying. All I said is "ABC.com will be transitioning to new message boards. You will be able to view your messages on this board after the transition. We will provide new links and a FAQ after the transition is complete."

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: ::sniff, sniff:: Man, this shirt stinks. I think I need to do some laundry.
Hurley: Uhm, yeah, dude.....that's not a shirt you're wearing. When you get dressed this morning, you were still kinda sleepy and accidently grabbed a pair of my dirty boxer shorts. You think I can get those back?

lockesladyluv
count to 108 without using the numbers and i have to hide?? where's a person of my size going to hide on this craphole island????

Rocc_Holliday
Jack: I can't see! it's so . . . . white!
Hurley: that purple is funky

The_Bionic_Guy
Jack : "I'm the hooded claw!"
Hurley: "Dude,you forgot your cape."

Where the Others Go

2007-08-27T12:07:00.000-04:00

Action_Potential
"Say hi to Jacob for me!"

llanoestacada
Ben: "Tourists. *sigh*"

MingoLeger
Ben - is there anywhere Cholly won't go without that guitar???

hatch_n_sniff
Ben: .......sorry we don't have a sercet code for I'm stuck in a porta-potty without any toilet paper.

llanoestacada
Ben: "I told you about that magic box on the island. Well, there ya go...."

General_Board
Ben: "I'm sure that George Michael told me to meet him around here somewhere."

LncshrLassinMI
Driveshaft's new gig?

wednesdayworld
Cholly: "No more outback outhouse here.
This place is music to my ears!"
Ben: " Finally, luxury! You go ahead.
I'll just use that big dumpster instead."

wednesdayworld
Ben: "Everyone from the Message Boards says there's a big stink from George today. . . he can't refresh."

hatch_n_sniff
Paulo: (from inside) "Hey, I don't think THIS toilet works."

slpy
Welcome to Craphole Island....

Rocc_Holliday
Ben: We found another hatch . . . welcome to The Porcelain God

lockesladyluv
I thought dr who used a police box???

hatch_n_sniff
Paulo: Does a Royal Flush beat five diamonds?

The Hills Are Alive Edition

2007-07-09T09:08:00.000-04:00

bg: This turned into a very musical edition. Kudus to Lion!

lostieAR
Richard: And that is when I parted the Red Sea.

Rygc
Richard: All this can be yours, John...................for a kidney.....

shootingstar815
Richard: .... And then this helicopter flew over and dropped a huge supply of Dharma Botox...

shootingstar815
Richard: ..and over on that mountain is where Jacob and I invented the man purse...

darien_ambrose
Locke: Ok, so I get three wishes, right?

rememberGoodwin
Locke: so it's a movie......hmmm....The King and I!!!......ahh, Jesus Christ Superstar!!.....um......

Rygc
Come over to the dark side, John, and all this will be yours!

Rygc
I wuv you this much, Johnny! John is my hero!! Isn't he the cutest thing??

MingoLeger
Richard: I'm telling you, John, Ben's woo hoo is THIS big. Why do you find it so hard to believe?
John: Why do you find it so easy?

MingoLeger
Richard auditions for the part of Moses in the remake of the Ten Commandments.

hellolost
Richard: And then I created all this!
Locke thinking to self: I wonder why he doesn't get sweat rings under his arm. I have to ask him for some Dharma Deodorant.

radioactive_4
.... it's fun to stay at the Y........M.C.A!

darien_ambrose
Richard: I command thee to rise up and stand...you are healed! You can walk again!
Locke: Dude, didn't you guest appear on Scrubs?

General_Board
"The hiiiiiiiiills are alive, with the sound of muuuuuuuusic!!!!!"

LIONARTist
Raindrops on palm leaves and whiskers on Sawyer
Bright copper hatches and a crooked lawyer
Brown paper packages which DHARMA drops
These are a few of my favorite props.

Black colored horses and ranch flavored dressing
Rock Gods and hot bods and time that's digressing
Green birds that fly and say "Hurley" at stops
These are a few of my favorite props

Girls in white undies who swim to find cases
Junkies who snort with their nose and freebases
Silver white coconuts from the trees they will drop
These are a few of my favorite props

When the boar bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling Ben
I simply remember my favorite props
And then I feel young agaaaiiiin

LIONARTist
How do you solve a problem like Ben Linus?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Ben Linus?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Ben Linus?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with him I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
He's as flighty as a feather
He's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!

LIONARTist
Richard: John, let me tell you the story of how Ben and I first met.....

(Breaks into song)

High on a hill was a lonely goat-teurd
Lay me odl lay me odl lay hee hoo
Loud was the voice of the lonely goat-teurd
Lay me odl lay me odl-oo

Folks in a town that was quite remote heard
Lay me odl lay me odl lay mee hoo
Lusty and clear from the goat-teurd's throat heard
Lay me odl lay me odl-oo

O ho lay mee odl mee o, o ho lay dee odl ay
O ho lay mee odl mee o, lay mee odl lee o lay

A prince on the bridge of a castle moat heard
Lay me odl lay me odl lay mee hoo

Men on a road with a load to tote heard
Lay me odl lay me odl-oo

Men in the midst of a choking throat heard
Lay me odl lay me odl lay mee hoo

Men drinking beer in a van remote heard
Lay me odl lay me odl-oo

One little boy in a DHARMA coat heard
Lay Me odl lay Me odl lay hee hoo

He yodeled back to the lonely goat-teurd
Lay me odl lay me odl-oo

Soon his Daddy with a gleaming boat heard
Lay me odl lay me odl lay mee hoo
What a duet for a boy and goat-teurd

Lay me odl lay me odl-oo

Ummm (ummm) . . .
Odl lay me (odl lay ee)
Odl lay mee hee (odl lay hee hee)
Odl lay me . . .

One little boy in a DHARMA coat heard

Lay meodl lay me odl lay hoo hoo

He yodeled back to the lonely goat-teurd

Lay me odl lay me odl-Hoooooooo!

042078
John: Tell me more tell me more, how much dough did he spend?

LIONARTist
John: "What do you mean....you wanna give me....the island?"
Richard: " I'm getting older, John. Even though I don't look like it. I can't live forever. Hop into my Alpertvator and I'll show you around the island, John"
John: "Alpertvator?"
Richard: "Yes. Alpervator. It can go up and down and sideways and longways...."

Richard and John enter the Alpervator

Richard:

"Come with meeee.......
and you'll be......
In a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin with a spin
Trav'ling in the world of my creation
What we'll see..... will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to beeeee...."
John: "Gee... Can Grandpa Joe come and live on the island too?"

Richard: "No. No grandpas allowed"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Richard:
Well life on the island is never laid back
Ain't much an old island boy like me cant hack
Got everybody's files here in my sack
Thank God I'm a hostile boy

Impersonating Dharma never did me no harm
I always look young and I'm full of charm
I love to sing like this and raise my arms
Thank God I'm a hostile boy

Well I got me a tan but I wish I had a fiddle
When the suns comin up, got Dharma cakes on the griddle
Ol' Ben likes to speak in funny, funny riddles
Thank God we're some hostile boys.
John: ::thinking:: if I were wearing underwear right now, I'd throw them at him.

justacoolguy36
Richard: SIMBA!! I AM YOUR FAHTHAH!!
John: I don't think Mufasa ever said that . . .
Richard: Mufasa, Darth Vader . . . it's all James Earl Jones

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Richard: "HOOORAAAAYYYY DHARMA BEER!"

LIONARTist
Richard: "Is very seemple, John. My father, Juan Valdez would bring the coffee bean down from the mountains off Colombia on his mule Conchita, and he would pick only THE FINEST COFFEE BEANS"
John: "What the hell is he on about now?"

lockesladyluv
richard, you once had a part in magnum, pi didn't you???

MissingPlane
..thats rite John! what better place for you to get away from all those shucksters and jivers!!,, THIS IS IT!,, and it ALL could be yours for only a modest down payment of 100 thousand dollars..You got 100 thousand dollars??

MissingPlane
Okay!,,OKAY!!,,,So You were Right John!,, Big Freekin WoopDeeDoo!!! John Was Right About The Horse!! WOWLEKERS!!!

BulletProofBreast
Richard: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
Locke: that was a horrible Fonz impression!
Richard: was not!!!
Locke: shut up, eyeliner boy

zenmaster5280
Richard Alpert: "Someday Locke, you can turn all this volcanic ash into kohl pencils and liquid eyeliner. Its your destiny!"

Hide Their Keys!

2007-07-09T08:52:00.000-04:00

lostieAR
TPTB: Man I really pictured this “I Never” scene a little differently in my head.

lostieAR
Mikhail: Looks like this week, I die of alcohol poisoning. Cheers!

darien_ambrose
Mikhail: Ahh-yes, my blinding potion worked. I'm just glad I only had half a glass.

lostieAR
Sayid: So the torturer, thief, and one-eyed man walk into the bar....
Kate: OK Sayid, that's enough, lemme have the drink.

LonesomeRain
Sayid: "Here you go Kate... OK Mikhail, set us up another Wrong Island Iced Tea."

LncshrLassinMI
Mikhail: It's Happy Hour at Patchy's Pub........can I get you another one?

LostDUI
Let us give thanks for these drinks, in Jesus' name, amen.

LIONARTist
Sayid: "Mikail....Duuuude. Duuuude, man, the shroom juice back in Iraq was never this goooood. You say you put some tree frog in the mix?"
Kate: "I am so waaasted. Look at my eyes, man"
Mikail: "HahHaHaHaHaHaHa! I see colors"
Disclaimer: This attempt at humor in no way endorces the use of drugs in any way. Thank you.

PoeFan1
Sayid: I called Jack Face first Kate, you have to drink.
Kate: No, no, no. I called it first, you have to drink.
Mikhail: 99 glasses of vodka on the wall... no wait... 99 glasses of Jack on the wall... no wait...

llanoestacada
Mikhail: "Just how does this "key swap" work?

llanoestacada
Sayid: "Drink up Shriners. This rounds on me."

slpy
Sayid: Juss keep your eyes closed Kate and imagine dis piss on ice is a lemon drop.

rememberGoodwin
Mikail is really fast. In the blink of an eye he was able to switch a drink that two people were touching. What ability will we learn next about Mikail??

LIONARTist
Sayid: "Here, Kate, you better take this. I think I'm gonna HUUUUURLEY! RAAAAAALLLLPH! BEEUUULAH!"
Kate: "Wow! You sure know a lot of people"
Sayid: "BAAAAAAAARRRRRRRT!"

lockesladyluv
kate, this does not feel like the part of you that i wish to fondle....

042078
One potato 2 potato 3 potato 4...
5 potato 6 potato 7 potato more...
Hot potaaaaaato!

justacoolguy36
ok, Kate, now taste this one . . . no peeking

LIONARTist
Kate: "Hah! I told you Sayid! You chose Pepsi over Coke again. Thank you for taking the Lost island cola challenge"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Mikhail: Let us play a new drinking game. Every time Jack cries, we take a shot.
Sayid: ::closes eyes::Yes, I can see it now. If we play this game, we will run out of vodka within the hour. Dharma will need to drop a crate of vodka three times a day for us to keep going.
Kate: ::closes eyes::Damn it, I was just hoping for some Sex On The Beach.

Who's Your Weenie Edition

2007-07-04T10:35:00.000-04:00

In honor of the 4th of July - beans and franks and potato salad and all that.

Bg: LOL! Missing Plane came up with 60 captions all by himself. It’s surreal.

llanoestacada
Hurley: "Dude, I saw Takeru Kobayashi's name on the passenger manifest. You might want to lay low until that, a , thing clears up."

grannieindisguise
"Myyyyyyyy baloney has a first name, it's J-A-C-K-Y!"

lostieAR
MF: Man when I asked for another raise, I didn't realize TPTB were going to get back at me with a Hurley flashback.
huntsman99
This is what I get for crying. I go from a doctor to this.

MissingPlane
..Of course!..the yellow stripe is French, mustard..

MissingPlane
...Sarah..this is what I was doin out at 2 am..

MissingPlane
..Newspaper Headline... Champion Hotdog Eater Yoshie Declines This Years Competition!

MissingPlane
.".Kate,, Kate!!,,We gotta stop livin the lie,,WE MUST go back to the Island!!"

LncshrLassinMI
Jack: "There must be some mistake.....I'm in the wrong timeline........I used to be a spinal surgeon..........doesn't anyone believe me?"

MissingPlane
..Jack set out to prove what made Locke's Horse that way..

MissingPlane
..If just one person is made happy and smiles for just one little second,,by golly!!..Okay!! I'll do it!!

slpy
Oh I wish I were a Dharma Mayer ******....

MissingPlane
......................" To BE!.. or Not To Be! That is the question!"......
Matt's foray into Summer Stock At Coney Island wasn't quite what he expected it to be.

MissingPlane
..." You may be the Chief of Surgery,,but,,you have no idea what I've been thru,,I can do This! I Want to operate on that woman!!

BulletProofBreast
Jack: Now when I cry it looks really wrong coming from this end of the costume

MissingPlane
..Hey! HEY!! Wheres everyone GOIN!!?? You all ARE Forgettin , Live TOGETHER,, or Die Alone!!!

MissingPlane
..yeaa,, I've been to Phukett Island...How can you tell?

slpy
Last time on Lost....
Ben: The Magic Box is where what ever you wish for can happen...[/i
Jack: Ok, who let Hurley in the box?
Kate: Sorry Jack, it was me, I wished for a huge....

MissingPlane
Kate!! I TOLD you not to come back for me!!!

MissingPlane
...Yes Julie.. with those cantalopes,, you definetly are one of us..Now lets go make picnic together..

MissingPlane
..Well Shoot!!..Ben said President Bush was re-elected,, and and Superman died, and heck, The red sox won the world series,, so.. I'm READY!!..Ready to go back to the real world!!

MissingPlane
..Sooo John!, Just WHAT makes you so sure this Island has a Purpose!!??

MissingPlane
Kate,,i did it..because..I love you...

MissingPlane
..." Sawyer,,its with Me !,, and if anybody has any problems with that..you're gonna have to deal with me first!!"

MissingPlane
Desmond..." Aaah Jack,, I have these flashes,,and aah..see your future or " a " future,,,and ahh.. nooo.. your's doesn't quite work like that....nooo"

MissingPlane
...Christian; " Well Son !..You proved me wrong,, Congrats!! You Do Have what it Takes!!

Bincoris
If just one child looks up to me and decides to be a hotdog than it's all worth it!
Kate don't make me cry my mustard will run.

MissingPlane
..Okay..so what if I spent a week with the Others,,what?..what are you looking at?

MissingPlane
..So what happened to Nicki and Paulo?.........What??...Didin't, didn't Artz tell you all about the spiders?,,the Horse spiders and the Bird spiders and the Paralyzing Spiders and the Hot Dog spiders and the...

MissingPlane
...uuummm..sorry guys,,but it appears to be a side effect of all that EMP..Oh Look! Kate just turned into a bowl of green jello and marshmellows!

MissingPlane
..She tricked ME!!! She must of put something in that Tattoo ink!!!

rememberGoodwin
Hurley was starting to get a little distressed. His dreams were occuring much more often, and getting much more intense.

MissingPlane
Hurley:.." Dude!..I gotta Van,,and alls you'd have to do is lay on top of it and we'd be just like...Oh! Hi Dave!

MissingPlane
Ana Lucia:.."Michael you sob!!,,I take it back,, I really ain't done with these guns.. "

MissingPlane
Kate:..." I knew IT!!.. I knew I tasted hotdog and mustard when I kissed You!!!

gretchielost
I don't like MUSTARD. Nobody told me that I'd have to wear MUSTARD.

MissingPlane
Ben:.." Now Jack,, consider this carefully,,I'll give you kosher pickle and onions,,if you operate on me..Deal?"

MissingPlane
Locke.."Dam!! I gotta cut out the head goo! "
Charlie,," Yeppers!! Time to toss the heroin in the ocean!!"

Bincoris
Hey you know what they say about a big hotdog.....
A big bun!

MissingPlane
Jack.. " don't worry Claire,, its only passed to the male genes...
Claire:,," MY BAAAAAAAABEEE!!!"

MissingPlane
SUN:...' For that,, i mite have taken a pearl necklace!"
Jin.."What you say?,,Say that in Korean please!"

Iheartlocke
"Bring it on home to Omelettevlle....er...I mean, Schneidersville....- Hey, if Justin Timberlake can do it...."

MissingPlane
Vincent:...Fack you Yoshie!! This one is ALL mine !! slurp!

Iheartlocke
"I said I wished for a hamburger! Stupid magic box."

MissingPlane
Smokie.." Hey!! Whats going on here??..Theres only ONE Smokie on this Island ,,and Its ME!!"

MissingPlane
Tree Frog..." Holy Crap! I don't know my own Strength!! "..

MissingPlane
Dharma Shark:..." and I just chose to go Kosher!! Dammm!!"

MissingPlane
Mama Leoni:.." GET THAT GOD DAMNED THING OUTTA MY RESTURANT!!"

Iheartlocke
"How do you make a hot dog stand?
You steal it's chair!"

" Thanks very much folks, I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitresses."

MissingPlane
Tom..."Hi!!...slurp.. BTW,, my name is Tom.."

slpy
Wow missing, you have a wild imagination (a lot).

MissingPlane
Julie,",Jaaaaack...we know all about you.. Trust me,, its all rite here in front of me..except.. except for one little detail seems to be missing.."

MissingPlane
Naomi:..".Uumm.. Is There somebody else I should give this phone to incase I don't make it??"

MissingPlane
Penelope:...No!,,I'm not going that way.. No,, theres no room in the van..Just no! Okay!!

MissingPlane
Mikal..."There is Nothing you could do to make me talk,, I am Russian! I have been in Wars ..I have..Wait, what is this? Okay..I was born in small village outside of Plansk,,,"

MissingPlane
Sayid:... My god,, what have they done to you? I must know.. I must know how they did this to you!!

MissingPlane
President Bush:."..I'd like now, to introduce to you all,, my next nominee to the Supreme Court.."

MissingPlane
General Admiral: WE have finally caught Osama!! We have him rite here, just as he was, trying to sneek across the Pakistan border!!

slpy
This is kind of like "How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?" joke.

MissingPlane
Hillary:..No!.. if nominated and if elected,, I will be my own President..

islandparachute
It's a clue!: They're on Coney Island.

MissingPlane
Headline:..Male Domination At Paris Fashion Show...

MissingPlane
Sheriff:..I don't need no Chinese to see it!!,,no sirree!

MissingPlane
Little Olde Lady In The Antique Shoppe:...Aaah..just don't wear any red shoes,,you'll be fine,,Okay!!

MissingPlane
Jacob..." WTF???...Okay!! You Win!.. I Lose!... I can't compete against that!!..I'M outta here!!!

MissingPlane
..Once Again Jack Triumphs Over Sawyer at The Island Costume Ball....

MissingPlane
Old Man Widmore..." Ooooww,,perhaps I'd better lay off on that MacCutcheon.."

MissingPlane
Dreamy:,,,Yea,, so when you're in Louisianna,,stop on by!

MissingPlane
Cappy:..."Hey' didn't I see you at the ball game last nite?"

MissingPlane
MEL:..." yea..well..just don't forget what happened to the Milk Shake Guy on Reno!!"

MissingPlane
George:.."go ahead,, i'll eat anything..."

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Before Dr. Marvin Candle joined the Dharma Initiative, he held many odd jobs. In his first ever flashback episode, Dr. Candle remembers his first job working as an announcer at Coney Island:
Takeru Kobayashi: Silly Americans! They got tired of me winning the hot dog eating contest every year, so they've apparently decided to make me eat 6 foot hot dogs to even the odds! I'll teach them to mess with me, I accept this challenge!
Marvin Candle: Kabayashi! NO! That's just the mascot! It is imperative that you do not eat him! NNNOOOOOOOOOO!.................Damn it, it looks like have another incident.

hatch_n_sniff
"No......no onions.....I'll cry"

captainaeon
LOL! Jack is a giant weeny!

rememberGoodwin
The dreams kept happening, night after night. Hurley started to wonder if he had a crush on Jack, or if he was just really hungry. Too bad Libby's dead, he thought, I could really use a psychologist about now.

LIONARTist
Jack: "Sure, the costume fits just fine. But I thought the yellow streak was supposed to go in the back"

LIONARTist
Jack: "Okay, I'll go with Colonel Mustard, in the Hatch, with the Spatula. Am I right? Did I win the Clugh game?"

LIONARTist
Jack: "Well, Ben, I thought....um.....you know, when you said you were going to GRILL me, well....I pictured, you know, alot of questions and torture"

LIONARTist
Locke: "Jack, I said you needed to make yourself AN ETHAN disguise, so you could infiltrate the Others. NOT A NATHAN'S disguise"

Ctrl-Z
Jack: "Who knew missing plane could have 63 captions about this?"

The_Victims
Jack: ASK ME ABOUT MY WEEINNNERRRRR!!!!

hatch_n_sniff
"Jack gives us the Full Monty."

Sawyers_Sidekick
Hot Digidy Dog!!

LonesomeRain
This is a promo shot
Original name for Thru the Looking Glass episode: WACKIKI WABBIT -
Locke appears as Bugs Bunny - Yelling from gang plank to ship: "Bon Voyage, good bye, don't forget to write"
Jack is hotdog
Hurley is Hamburger
They are left beind on island
they go running off into sunset...

hatch_n_sniff
Des: "I'll do what I can for ya Jackie, but sooner or later you're going to be eaten alive brotha."

darien_ambrose
1) I plump when you cook me.
2) I'm the hot dog, Juliets' the bun.
3) Yeah, that's right..I'm a foot-long wiener!

darien_ambrose
Did you just squirt mustard on me? Or are you just happy to see me?

llanoestacada
Sawyer: "Well there'se Doctor Giggles."
Jack: "Eat me."

captainaeon
Guess no one told Jack Kate's a vegetarian!

llanoestacada
Jack to Hurley: "You left WHAT in the other teleporter?"

MissingPlane
Kate:..." I knew IT!!.. I knew I tasted hotdog and mustard when I kissed You!!!

MissingPlane
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Power Nap Edition

2007-07-04T10:12:00.000-04:00

lostieAR
Locke: I sure could use a black smoke about right now.

General_Board
Jack: Did the earth just move for you too?
Locke: Nah. I just blew up another hatch.

LostDUI
He may like to blow up everything, but at least he spoons.

darien_ambrose
Locke: Now I know what you mean Jack when you say, *live together/die alone*.

darien_ambrose
Locke: My father stoled my kidney, but you Jack, you stoled my heart.

talkswithhands
Locke: Now I know what they mean by coyote ugly! I am willing to gnaw off my own arm before I wake him up.

llanoestacada
Jack: "Those aren't pillows!"

talkswithhands
Locke: We both know...we're around each other an'...this thing, it grabs hold of us again...in the wrong place...at the wrong time...and we're dead.
Jack: I am so tired of you tellin' me about the purge.

llanoestacada
Jack: "Hey, it happened."
Locke: "So, what do we do now?"
Jack: "It's time to come out of the hatch."

captainaeon
Locke--'I've never done that before...'
Jack--'Hey, baby, once you go Jack, you never go back!'

Action_Potential
Spoiler: Season 4 episode 1 title revealed:
"Through the Brokeback hatch."

huntsman99
Next time we have a roll in the hay. Let's NOT make it in the hay.

Iheartlocke
Locke: You see that, Jack? A quick romp and a few whispers in the jungle, and then our people turn on us and throw us in the Dharma Pit.

radioactive_4
"I wish I could quit you."

hatch_n_sniff
Jack: " I would have found your hatch sooner if you would have told me it was so close to those two boulders."

Iheartlocke
Breathless Jack: This explains so much...the tension between us, the constant arguing...
Locke: Right you are, Jack. Can I just have my hand back?
Jack: Only if you stop calling me Helen in the sack!

Lockes_Box
Locke: "Every single second of my pathetic little life is as useless as that button!"
Jack: "whew! But you sure do know how to press my buttons, John."

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Locke: I may not have seen Jacob, but I'm pretty sure I just saw God.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Locke: I hope you've learned your lesson, Jack. I told you not to tell me who I can't do.

NiceGuy Eddie
Locke:
"See, Jack, You're missing the whole point...
of me saying I'm thirsty. When I said I was thirsty, it doesn't mean I want a glass of water. If I have a problem, you're not supposed to solve it. You always make the mistake of thinking you can solve someone's problem. It makes you feel omnipotent. See, if I'm thirsty, I don't want
a glass of water. I want you to sympathize. I want you to say, 'John, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty.'"

Big_So_and_So
Locke: I'm sorry Jack...I thought you were that wild sow I've been chasing through the woods.
Jack: Oink! Oink!

NiceGuy Eddie
Jack: Wow. That was...*wow*. I mean...*WOW!*.
John: It just came to me.
Jack: I... I've never in my life have... have I.... What was that?
John: You mean in the end?
Jack: Uh-huh...
John: A counter-clockwise swirl.

Iheartlocke
John: I caused the plane to crash, Jack. I was hoping the Dharma Initiative could do the operation and seperate us at last. I'm sick of being a Siamese twin. People think we're freaks.
Jack: The correct term is 'co-joined', John. Don't you remember that from medical school?

042078
Willie Nelson comes out of the brush, guitar in hand...
"cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other..."

042078
"He lays among us...but he is not one of us"

captainaeon
Jocke...

captainaeon
Locke--'It's nice to know I'm not the only one on the island who wears ladies' undergarments...'
Jack--(giggles like a little girl)

hatch_n_sniff
Damon and Carlton: Wake those two bums up,
we're getting set to film season four!!!!!!

LeighB04
Jocke: It moved.

justacoolguy36
are you sure you dont have a little doctor in you?
. . . . would you like to?

silverhalo1217
"You're right. It was much hotter when it was Kate & Juliet in the mud."

zenmaster5280
Unable to find prozac in the med stash to help Locke cope, Jack prescribes Spooning with Strangers, with the precaution "No humPing allowed."

BulletProofBreast
Locke: Did we just...?
Jack: Yeah.
Locke: You and I...we....
Jack: Yeah.
Locke: ...we must be cowboys cuz we have huge...daddy issues!
Jack: Hey, you called ME daddy...

justacoolguy36
Jack: and this is the scene where the two headed opera singer dies . . .
Jack always did want to write his own play

BulletProofBreast
Jack: we still need one more person to act out the three headed knight bit from The Holy Grail!!
Locke: I'm not THAT big a geek.

What Kate Cooked Edition

2007-07-04T09:40:00.000-04:00

LIONARTist
"Hey Mike, tell Greg, Marcia, Jan, Peter, Bobby and Cindy to get washed up. Tell Alice to make sure the house is clean. I'm bringing a guest home for dinner. Yep. Uh-huh...his name is Charlie. If Marcia liked Davy Jones, then she'll Loo-ove Charlie. And, Mike, I hope you won't be mad but I've dyed my hair. I'm a brunette now....."

LIONARTist
"....oh, and Mike, I've taken some steroids. So Wesson oil night is going to be even more fun now. I've got Wesson-ality"

MissingPlane
...Hello...Jack?..What?..so what if he died..I don't even know who he is..and who are you and how do you know me?..what Island?...What are you talking about?..The Future?....Yea rite,,you must be on drugs!!..Good bye!..what!! How did you know my last name? What the hell is goin on here?

grannieindisguise
Sarah Connor does Taco Night.
(look at those deltoids!)

silverhalo1217
"thanks for calling Livelinks."

Iheartlocke
What? I'm just down at the local Stepford market with all the other wives....why?

Iheartlocke
"John, we've talked about this. I like you and I've enjoyed talking with you these past few months. I'm not allowed to meet customers. ....John, if we talk any longer, I'm going to have to charge you for another hour. That's another 89.95.....I can't go on a trip with you, John!! This isn't normal. Maybe you should find a therapist! Stop calling me Helen!!!"

talkswithhands
Please can you explain it one more time....is it chicken or is it fish? I mean, it says "Chicken of the Sea..."

MissingPlane
Hello..Hi!..Oh just enjoying the reflection of my muscles off the freezer doors..god I'm HOT!

huntsman99
I know Hurley's coming to dinner. I finally found a store that carries Dharma ranch dressing.

MissingPlane
" Yea,,then he asked me if anybody ever told me I looked like Evangeline Lilly, and I said, Who?..hehehehe,,then he asked if I ever watched Lost,,and I said,,What?,,hahahaha,,but he was sooo Hoooot!!

FrontRowFlurry
OMG......you'll never believe this .............they have brands they are NOT dharma ......... yipee

MissingPlane
..Hello..Hi Dear..yea, shopping...I was thinking,,naa..naaa..no, i was thinking,,,no,,no dear,,Listen how many times do I have to tell you..I DON'T DO TACOS!!"

Essence_Of_Holifyre
I have $10 on the fact that Locke is a GunSlinger.

rememberGoodwin
Voice on the phone: Hey, Evie, Carlton here. I know you're out running errands, just wanted to let you know that in season 4 we need to bump up the romantic stuuf, so you'll be rolling around half naked with Josh a lot. And maybe Matt too. And maybe an affair with Daniel. Making out with all these guys won't be a problem, will it?

MissingPlane
Voice on The Store's Intercom..".Evangeline Lilly in aisle 5..Evangeline LILLY IN AISLE 5!!,,OMG OMG EVANGELINE LILLY IN AISLE 5!!!!"
Evie.."Hello Carlton..You didn't tell me it was goin to be like this.."

not_onboard
Voice on phone: Sweetie, don't forget the dynomite!

back_gammon
Kate: What? No way! I have to cook?! I thought the Iron Chef was a body-building contest?!

captainaeon
...Today's Iron Chef secret ingredient...
WILD BOAR!!!

LIONARTist
Kate: "Listen, all I am saying is....give peas a chance"

captainaeon
Kate--'You know those annoying people who walk around the supermaket talking on their cell phones? Now I'm one of them!'

hatch_n_sniff
Kate: "This is great!!! Since I've been cooking for Hurley, my fuel perks are at 75 cents a gallon."

LostinLost111
im naked under my clothes and you dont get to see it, na na na na boo boo...and i got bananas, na na na na boo boo...

Action_Potential
Phone Voice: "Do you like scary movies Kate?"
Kate: "Ben, is that you???"

Action_Potential
Phone Voice: I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what? You got knocked up. You should probably get out of news.
Kate: Who is this?
Phone Voice: This is Dr. Chim.... Dr. Chim Richalds.
Kate: Jack, is this you?
Jack: I'm a professional doctor. You saw me. You don't remember? We... you should move. Get out of the business.
Kate: This is pathetic.
Jack: You're pathetic.

llanoestacada
Kate: "You don't think I got these guns eatn' sprouts and tofu, do ya?"

llanoestacada
Kate: "Honey, what isle did you say the HGH is on?"

MingoLeger
Kate: Burning houses? Letting your husband die? Sleeping with the lawn boy? Is that the best you guys can come up with? Let me tell you what I'VE done lately, then we will see who is the Queen of Wisteria Lane!

hatch_n_sniff
"Yes, this is Samantha Stevens. Who did I like best? Definitely the old Darren."

gretchielost
Kate: Greg, stop telling Bobby to shut up. That is a bad thing to say.
*a Very Lost Brady Movie*

darien_ambrose
*Thinks to herself: hmm, raw spinach really pumps up my guns*
*Then speaks into phone: Rachel? ...uh, yeah...I'm just calling to let you know that you and Giada better look out..Food Network here I come!*

Black Patch Down...Again

2007-07-04T09:24:00.000-04:00

Patchy's theme song by Chumbawamba.

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down

He drinks a whisky drink, he drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink, he drinks a cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times

Oh, Danny boy
Danny boy
Danny boy

hatch_n_sniff
LOST Magic Bullet Theory

Kate shoots point-blank at Patchy. Bullet enters right eye socket at 45 degree angle and exits head at 110 degree angle and strikes Sayid who is standing in a grassy hole.

zenmaster5280
Locke: For the last time Mikhail, what happened to your other eye?!?

Mikhail: Richard was showing me how to apply eyeliner, when his hand slipped and the eyeliner pencil.....we called it the "incident."

AskMech
"It would be much more intimidating if I could actually see what you are pointing at me."

Iheartlocke
Heehee
"When a Christmas Story goes wrong"
We now know what happened to little Raphie "Patchy" Parker.

talkswithhands
Kate chanting: "you'll shoot your eye out, you'll shoot your eye out-- oh wait, you already did- my bad." And then she giggles.

Mikhail thinking, "Like I haven't heard that before."

WeatherRock
I already said hello to your little friend.

MingoLeger
Sayid: Damn, I wanted to look up Kate's dress!

nmb1blonde
So it was a pistol in your pocket. I was hoping you were just happy to see me.

NiceGuy Eddie
Sayid: "I am not through with you yet, hillbilly boy, I am going to get medieval on your ***."

planetterror
Sayid: "...and I also want your balls."

llanoestacada
"I know what you're thinking, punk........"

BenIHateYou
I said right hand yellow, left foot red!!!!!

Rygc
When I say your weapon should be clean, I mean clean! Does this look clean to you, Patchy. 'You are shaming me, your momma and your country!' (love that commercial)

rememberGoodwin
Not only can Mikail come back from the dead, he can also use telepathy - or telepatchy - to cause injuries to others. You cannot sneak up on Mikail. He will 'see' you.

lockesladyluv
i love it when kate wears a dress....

hatch_n_sniff
Mikail: " Juding by the size of your camel toe, you must have quite a hump Kate."

Texashummingbird
P!ssing the night away
P!ssing the night away....

042078
Bring out the gimp!

Sawyers_Sidekick
Mikhail: Nope, my other eye isn't down the barrell of your gun..

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Mikhail: Why are you going to kill me John? It's not my fault you can't beat the damn chess game.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
I was fourty-five and he was fourty-six,
He said the horse was constipated and it was sick.
He wore khakis and I wore a patch,
He found me living in the Flame Hatch.

Bang bang, Locke shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, John Locke shot me down.

Nessum Dharma Edition

2007-06-24T17:39:00.001-04:00

llanoestacada
Juliet: "When my soul was in the lost and found, you came along to claim it."

Ben: "Ba oooop"

hatch_n_sniff
Jules: "I know, I know, mark the tents.....gain their trust....blah blah blah........oh by the way- Jacob said he's out of toilet paper."

MingoLeger
Ben: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain . . . .
Juliet: Dang, he's a better torturer than Sayid.

WeatherRock
Hi Ho Hi Ho
It's off to work we go

MissingPlane
,,Ben..aa..aaa..AAA..CHEWWWW!!!!!
Julie.(.oh good..maybe i won't have to blow his brains out,,he'll do it himself...)

042078
B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O,
And Bingo was his name O...
herrrrrrrre was a farmer had a dog and bingo was his name O...

Juliet: I can't believe he has been singing this song for the last 3 hours...

LIONARTist
Ben: "....i trapezi ronzavano elettrici
uccelli di piuma di un mondo di luna
legati i compagni per mano
libravan da pesci
vicini e lontano
si sfioran d'un tratto i due bracci
appesi nell'aria
come due stracci
sul sangue buttarono rena
ed entran di corsa i pagliacci"

Juliet: "Yeah, that's it. Laugh, clown, laugh"

back_gammon
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Precognitive hatch sitters who hail from Great Britain
Hateful teenage daughters who hurl rocks in slings
These are a few of my favorite things

Ageless men in eyeliner and skeletons in ditches
Backstabbing fertility doctors who turn into b.itches
Crying spinal surgeons that plane crashes bring
These are a few of my favorite things...

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel...so bad

LIONARTist
Ben: "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH, my baloney has a first name. It's O-S-C-A-R. My baloney has a second name. It's M-A-Y-E-R. And I like to eat it every day, and if you ask me why I'll say..."
Juliet: ..."cause Benji Linus has a way of being oh so feckin gaaaaaay"

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

MissingPlane
Ben." YOU say Open Chest!
..I say top button closed!
..You say solid colors .
..I say Stripes, Lets call the whole thing off!

Julie..WHAT thing?

042078
Lost producers finally reveal Smoky's origins...it's Ben's halitosis.

MissingPlane
Ben....ROSIE'S GONE!!!???..OMG! Omg!..omg..

042078
Ben: oooooooo Baby do you know what that's worth? We'll make heaven a place on earth...they say in heaven, Ben comes first...we'll make heaven a place on earth

Juliet: Note to self: steal Ben's Belinda Carlisle CD and put it in my Talking Heads CD case...

LIONARTist
Ben: "Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo.....

Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo....."

Juliet: "You know, Ben....it really sounds stupid..... when you only sing the Akon part of THe Sweet Escape"

TomHasFeelings
Ben: OOOOOOOOOOOOOoohhh Crap! I forgot to unplug the iron when i left this morning to go torture Kate and Sawyer. "Alex!" "Go unplug the iron!"
back_gammon
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thooooooooong...

MissingPlane
Ben..OOH, The Head Bone connected to the Neck Bone,
..The Neck Bone connected to Shoulder bone..
..The Shoulder bone connected to the Chest bone..
..The Chest bone connected to the..
Julie..BEN!!

PoeFan1
Ben: You know, Juliette if you keep frowning like that you'll get wrinkles. Let me show you some facial exercises.

CAPSLOCKE
JULIET: c'mon ben! you have to let me go off the island!

BEN: Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go!
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let you go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let you go
Will not let you go-let you go
Will not let you go let you go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-

rememberGoodwin
Juliet's thoughts......here we go again, every father's day it's Roger this and Roger that, I am soooo sick of having to listen to these stories. And why on earth do we have to hike up to the stupid van?

TheGeoff
Juliet: No, he's singing again!

Ben: I'm Henry Gale I am.
Henry Gale I am, I am.
John Locked me up and he shut the door.
He said he'd heard my many lies before.
He won't believe I'm a Henry.
He must think I'm a Danny or a Ben.
But I still say I am Henry.
Henry Gale of St. Paul, Minn.

lockesladyluv
ben, i told you a thousand times, that's not how we will be posting on the new boards...

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbblllllllllllllleeeeeeeee!
Juliet: If he thinks I'm gonna mudwrestle Kate in every single episode, he's out of his damn mind.

Iheartlocke 2005
Ben: Ohhhhh, better out than in, I always say!
Juliet: Got one of those masks, handy?

Iheartlocke
"Ohhh, Zippadee-doo-dah, Zippadee-ay! My Oh My What a Wonderful Day!"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: Whooooo Whooooo!!!!
Juliet: Ben, I don't care how far we walk, we are not playing Choo Choo Train.
Ben: Maybe you're not playing, but I can. Yeah, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can......

Iheartlocke
Ben: So Juliett, when you kiss Jack, I want you to make sure that you pucker up reaaaal good. Like dis..... Are you listening? Now what are you going to do?
Juliett: Yeah, yeah. I'm going to pucker up and kiss Jack.

zenmaster5280
Ben singing Muddy Waters:
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you
I wanna love you so bad till I don't know what to do
I'm going down to Louisiana to get me a mojo hand
I'm going down to Louisiana to get me a mojo hand
I'm gonna have all you women right here at my command
Got my mojo working. Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working. Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working. Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working. Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you...

Juliet thinking: DamN straight its not working on me!

hatch_n_sniff
Jules: I've told you and told you again, you're not my type Ben. Niki, Clair, Kate- heck even Rose are my type. Is it starting to sink in now?
Ben: OHHH......OOHHHHH.......OOOHHHHH

dharma4815
the coconut banger's ball, IT'S A RAP!
who let those dogs out, who let those dogs out, who let those little dogs gooooooooooooooo.....goulet.

Iheartlocke
Juliett: Alright Ben, who's in the Pentavarite?
Ben: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went t i t s up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"
Juliett: Ben, how can you hate the Colonel?
Ben: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smart a s s!

llanoestacada
Ben: "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo...."
Juliet: "Don't you think it is a little late for that?"

ALDILA
After all these years Dharma finally delivered Juliet's dollmate - the Ben Model.

talkswithhands
Ben: "and then Lucy says, 'Oooooh Ricky.' Yep that is definitely my favorite tv show."
Juliet thinking: "Why does Mikhail only tape Nick at Night?"

Sawyers_Sidekick
Ben: Just Catchin The 'ol flies for supper ....

knockout Ned
Juliet: "Ben, i have a secret to tell you... you know my sister, Rachel?... Um, you know Tom?.... well, tom IS my sister Rachel."

silverhalo1217
Ben: *singing* Ohhhh.... who lives in a pineapple under the sea!

The Final Frontier Edition

2007-06-24T17:15:00.000-04:00

The Next Generation to boldly go...

Iheartlocke
John Locke Picard: Captain's log 481516234.2....we are currently pursuing a boar-g .

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Earlier today, ABC released the DVD cover art for LOST - The Complete 1,065th Season.

captainaeon
Now that's a flashforward!

hatch_n_sniff
"Back Gammon is on vacation this week and has been replaced by Lenord Nimoy."

Richards_Eyeliner
Captain John Locke Picard: "Cut engines to impulse power and reduce altitude to 500 feet. Release Dharma food pallet on my command.
Ben Data: "Captain! There's a swirling black cloud erupting from the island. It's headed right for us!"
Captain John Locke Picard: "Sound the alert, Mr. Worfko! Sonic shields to full power!"

LostDUI
-Even with a new cast, everyone still hates Wesley.

captainaeon
BenData--'Captain, we appear to be experiencing a holodeck malfunction, the scenario being we have survived a plane crash and are now living on a mysterious island...'
JohnLocke Picard--'Thank goodness! I thought we were in Purgatory!'

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
In the not so distant future, the cast of LOST will be just like toilet paper. They will travel around Uranus looking for Klingons.

LIONARTist
John Locke Picard: "..........engage"
Mr. Worfko: "Once you go Klingon, you never go human"
Capt. Jack Ryker "Shields UP! Red alert! Boo-hoo, boo-hoo"
Benry Data: "If you prick me, do I not... leak?"
De-Annie Troi: "Q is making an a$$ of himself again"

talkswithhands
Captain: Number 1, Make it so.
Troi thinking to herself: Ha, he only makes it so-so, that's why I picked Sawyer!

talkswithhands
William Shatner offscreen: Have people forgotten that... I... was... the... original... Captain?

huntsman99
LOST , the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Islander. Its continuing mission. To seek out who's life and who's civilization. To explore strange new cultures. To boldly go where only few have gone before.

Iheartlocke
John Locke Picard: Captain's log 481516234.2....we are currently pursuing a boar-g .

Iheartlocke
John Locke Picard, to Jack Ryker:
Lt. Red Shirt Boone was a sacrifice that the Enterprise demanded.

captainaeon
Sawyer--'Boy howdy! Ya'll got one mighty fine space boat here, Capt Chrome Dome!'
The Emissary from Planet Redneck arrives onboard...

hatch_n_sniff
Bonesy: "Damm it Jim, they already have a Doctor."

rememberGoodwin
Even in the future, with all sorts of fancy technology, ships are still crashing on the island!

042078
That needs no caption. It's dang funny all on its own...

042078
Dr. Artz: Blow me up Scotty...there's no intelligent life on this island.

back_gammon
Captain John Locke Picard: "Kate Troi, make it sew!"
Kate Troi: "Make it sew?! I made the drapes in my apartment once, but I don't think I can make it sew!"

captainaeon
BenData--'Captain, the Prime Directive forbids your stabbing the Emissary from Planet Redneck for calling you Capt ChromeDome...'
JohnLocke Picard--'Don't tell me what I can't do!'

captainaeon
EkoWorf--'Today is a good day to die!'
Smokey--'Funny you should say that...'

captainaeon
JohnLocke Picard thinks to himself--'Sure I'm wearing a red shirt, but I have nothing to worry about. Lead characters in prime time shows never get killed off...'

Iheartlocke
Away team BenData and Michael Laforge on their exploratory mission of the mysterious Planet Island......
BenData: Let's see if we can get a 'locke on' and beam down to this 'Black Rock' that the creature 'Rousseau' keeps mentioning. Set your phasers to stun!
Michael Laforge: I'm picking up some interference. It appears to be a life form, but I have no visual. And you'd have to be a Ferengie to hear those whispers!

back_gammon
Mr. Worfko: "Captain, a transmission from Star Fleet. The Hostiles have left Hostilian territory and are about to enter the Neutral Zone. If we don't intercept them before they enter Dharmamian space it could mean all out war, a PURGE."

TheGeoff
Island...the final frontier. These are the voyages of Oceanic Airlines. It's unsuccessful mission: To transport strange new characters. To seek out new customers and new passengers. To boldly go from Sydney to Los Angeles.

back_gammon
Dr. Claire Crusher to Mr. Worfko: "We could try botox, but I think you're going to need a complete forehead lift to get the best result."

TheGeoff
Not an original caption, but I can't resist posting this:

BOONE: Ever watch Star Trek?

LOCKE: Nah, not really.

BOONE: The crew guys that would go down to the planet with the main guys, the captain and the guy with the pointy ears, they always wore red shirts. And they always got killed.

LOCKE: Yeah?

BOONE: Yeah.

LOCKE: Sounds like a piss-poor captain.

TheGeoff
John Locke Picard: Computer, where is Lt. Hurley?

Computer: Please enter access code.

John Locke Picard: 4 8 15 16 23 32

Computer: Incorrect code.

Jack Riker: It's 42. 4 8 15 16 23 42.

Computer: Lt. Hurley is in holodeck 3, with his holographic friend Dave.

zenmaster5280
Heard from Holodeck 5:

Buttercup: I fear I'll never see you again.
Wesley as Westley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Wesley as Westley: Hear this now: I will come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Wesley as Westley: This is true love. You think this happens every day?

Beverly Claire Crusher: (Overhears Wesley on holodeck) This shouldn't be happening!

Michael La Forge: (Overhears Beverly Claire Crusher) We've lost a lotta good people down there...

Beverly Claire Crusher: But he's my BAAAAAAAABAAAY!

Helluva Rash Edition

2007-06-15T07:21:00.000-04:00

lockesladyluv
Jack: Looks like someone ripped you a new one....

hatch_n_sniff
Coming this Fall on ABC, CSI:Pacific

Kharmabitesv2
Ben:
So did the waxing go ok?? Is all my back hair gone now? Do you think Juliette will like it?
Jack??

MissingPlane
..Jack...Well ben,,i hope you learned your lesson about lighting up your ph arts..

gwenniesgrannie
Ben: Does this sheet make me look fat?

Cheezeee
Jack: That's one hell of a crack you have Ben!

hello_smitty
Jack: I'm a doctor, dammit! Not an esthetician!

MissingPlane
..HELLO!..What??,,I can barely hear you,,Speak LOUDER!..NO! I Can't Hear You Now...

BulletProofBreast
*Stitch from Lilo and Stitch runs up and bites Ben*
Ben to Jack: uhhhhhhhhh, does this look infected to you?

hello_smitty
Jack: How am I going to get all this blood out of my hair

hello_smitty
Jack: Do you like my new tattoo? CTV HD? No, I don't know what it means.

Action_Potential
Jack, if you kiss my boo-boo, I will let you go home, for reals now, I'm not lying, seriously this time, believe me, uh huh.

hello_smitty
Jack: It also looks like you have worms, Ben

MissingPlane
...Jack looked into the Eye of Ghora,,and he saw the past and the future,,he saw all things that have been and all things that were to be , great and small , minute and infinite, The Glories Transcended on to him and he said.".Julie,,hydrogen peroxide,,got any?"

Cheezeee
Jack: I think you blew a gasket Ben!
Ben: It was the dharma burritoes.

MissingPlane
..aaah...take two aspirin and call me in the morning...

hello_smitty
Jack: If i connect the moles on your back, Ben, it spells JACOB. Who is Jacob?

Cheezeee
Ben : are you sneaking up on me again Jack?
Jack: I thought you were sleeping .

MissingPlane
..Well Ben.. i don't think you'll be doin Disco Nite for awhile...

hello_smitty
Jack: Tom did this? Wow..............

gretchielost
Jack:
"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Ben:
"Bad news."
Jack:
"That girl you slept with? Yeah, she has herpes. But the good news is that your a daddy."
*Ben groans*

hello_smitty
Jack: Looks like you have a tattoo, too, Ben: It says "Isabella was here"

MissingPlane
..So ben,,what would you say about the chances of ..the Stanley Cup goin to Los Angles..yea Hockey,,and the team is named after a Movie uuh huh!.well I'd say the same about your back...

paperfist
Jack: "woh boy! That's huge! Nothing short of Chuck Norris' tears will cure this! well good luck with all that!"

zenmaster5280
Jack: I'm afraid there's not much we can do. Once you've stepped through that Looking Glass. Ever seen Sigourney Weaver in Aliens?

hatch_n_sniff
Jack: "Your sex change operation was a success, I have evidence of menstral flow Ben..........I mean Benita."

NiceGuy Eddie
Ok, Ben, which one is the mole that's been leaking information about us?

zenmaster5280
Ben: Gotta stop playing Red Rover, Red Rover with Mihkail and that Sonic fence.....

gretchielost
Jack: "Looks like you have a rash. Did you run out of Charmin Ultra?"
Ben (looking guilty): "Yeah, but I found some soft leaves in the jungle."

Holden_Caulfields_Girl
Juliet: No, Jack, I wanted you to look at his back, not under the sheet.

NiceGuy Eddie
Remember the old Hanso foundation website?
http://lxicon.com/prompt.swf
>: HELLO?
>: WHO IS THIS?
>: MOLE.

hatch_n_sniff
"The truth finally emerges: Jack Shepperd is a BACK STABBER."

MissingPlane
..Termites!,,yep,,better call the Rankin Man...

MissingPlane
..well..Locke was only half rite...

hello_smitty
Jack: **sniff sniff ** Smells like teen spirit

iaml0st815
Jack: Wow, Ben, you really don't have a spine.

lost_ponderings
Ben: I was wondering if we could try some alternative medicine.
Jack: What? I am a doctor.
Alex: (calls sarcastically from the other room) If you close your eyes really tight and say, "only fools are bound by time an space" maybe you can fast forward your healing.

dharma4815
jack: deal's off.

TheGeoff
Juliet was given that little mark for killing someone. What did they do to Ben for his part in The Purge?

LostDeeJay
Bugged his eyes

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: Do yourself a favor, Ben. Don't let Mikhail drink a whole pot of coffee before he shaves your back hair again. I mean, he's only got one eye to begin with, and then you let him add caffeine and sugar on top of that? How did you think this was gonna turn out?

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: OK, let me see if I can get your story straight. You said you were walking across the room, you stepped on one of the children's action figures and you lost your balance, and then you fell backwards into the coffee table. I get that part of the story, and it certainly explains how your back got all cut and scraped up like this. The part I don't get, Ben, is how did you end up with your pants off and the action figure of Locke stuck up there?

hatch_n_sniff
"back to the future"

hellolost
Any second now that alien should burst out.

LIONARTist
Jack: "Ben....um....who taught you how to wipe? You're supposed to do a vertical sweeping motion towards the back, not a circular motion over and over and over again"

The_Victims
jack: ben, you and tom REALLY need to leave the s & m off the island.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: Whatever it was that penetrated your skin, it was very filthy and disgusting, and it has infected you with it's vile disease and bacteria.
Ben: Oh, my. What do you think it could have been?
Jack: By the looks of things, I'd have to say Bernard bit you.

hatch_n_sniff
"Hungry? I'm think'n Cracker Jack."

TheGeoff
Jack: He walks among us, but he will soon be unable to walk.
Ben: No, Jack, it doesn't say that. It's a scar, not a tattoo!

lost_ponderings
Jack: You know Ben...I just don't know if I really removed all of the tumor. I think I should go back in and make sure.

Iheartlocke
*Now* I know how Juliett made me that hamburger.

Pirates of the Black Rock Edition

2007-06-15T06:28:00.000-04:00

TheGeoff
Yo ho everybody.
Yo ho everybody.
Acting like you're stupid pirates
Wearing expensive gold.

hatch_n_sniff
"Those have got to be the worst Pirates I've ever seen."

Rygc
Captain Hook, I presume................the name's Pan.........Peter Pan.

lostieAR
Dom: Just think Naveen if TPTB hadn't killed us off in Season 3 & 4 we wouldn't have been able to star in Pirates of the Carribean VIII.

Rygc
"We're going to need a bigger boat.............."

zenmaster5280
Charlie: Bloody hell, I'm going to Singapore!

Rygc
See, I ate the bloody squid. Now you have to eat the bang-ers and mash! Come on - truth or dare...

MingoLeger
Bloody Rock God Turner: You all everybody!
Captain Sayid Sparrow: ***pushes report violation button***

mlj2298
Could someone throw me in the brig with Sawyer?

rememberGoodwin
So every big movie needs a hobbit in it???

sweetsayid
While Bootstrap Charlie sings the final chorus, Captain Sayid decides EXACTLY how Charlie will die.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Dom: Ahoy, Naveen! Tell me again, what movie is this we're trying out for?
Naveen: It's the new Pirates Of The Caribbean movie.
Dom: Ooh, is that the movie with that little chinese kid, Data? I love him. BEWARE MY PINCHERS OF PERIL!
Naveen: No, you moron. That's the Goonies.
Dom: Oh. Too bad. Ten bucks says I could have gotten Hurley to play Chunk and do the truffle shuffle for us.

TheGeoff
And then they stranded me on an island with a gun and only one bullet. But I didn't need bullets. Not unless there are polar bears, or some nutters trying to kidnap the babies.

TheGeoff
Sayid: Can you give me your word that Captain Jack Sparrow can be trusted? Now he spent ten days with these people and nothing happened to him? And that woman he's spending his time with?
Charlie: Elizabeth?
Sayid: Aye, Elizabeth.

bushman2404
Charlie: "Don't get me wrong...I'm glad we got rescued but did it have to be one of Rosie O'Donnell's gay cruise ships?"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Charlie: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Sayid: ::thinking:: I'm so sick of him saying that every single time he sees me. I wonder if I would lose the crew's trust if I just killed him?

talkswithhands
Sawyer offscreen: "...and really bad eggs."

lockesladyluv
frackin' 'obbitt!!! 'e drank all me rum!!! if 'e 'adn't died in the 'atch i woulda kilt 'im meself!!!!

zenmaster5280
Sayid: Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part,
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I’ll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.

For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!

For I am a Pirate King!

Charlie: You are!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!

(ala Pirates of Penzance)

Brave Heart, Braver Legs Edition

2007-06-15T06:06:00.000-04:00

MingoLeger
Des: Is that a sub out there?
Gen board: screencap?

Goony123
The debate expands: Ginger, MaryAnne or Desmond?

LostDUI
"What happens here, stays here brotha"

bringingSazyback
I think I got a nibble.....OUCH!
I have GOT to get a proper fishing pole.

lockesladyluv
life is better with your celtic blowing in the breeze....

hatch_n_sniff
Hurley: " Dude you gotta come back now, Julette is wearing your clothes and chasing Charlie around the camp telling him he's going to die. Dude please.........I mean seriously......... it's really freak'n him out."

TheGeoff
In May, Mrs. Hawking showed she has the best legs in the Lost Caption Contest (see Granny Got Gams edition).
In June, we see how Desmond's have improved.
Don't miss the final showdown, coming to the Lost Caption Contest in July!

gwenniesgrannie
I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll...

bg: blow grannie blow!

hello_smitty
He's got legs
He knows how to use them

paperfist
Well we've done it now... Claire is out of razors.

rememberGoodwin
Overheard later that day....."I had this flash where I standing on the beach, pregnant, and wanting sea urchins. For some reason, I kept wondering where Jin was"

LostDeeJay
I'm too sexy... for this sarong, too sexy for this island ... Too sexy by far ... you know what I mean

bringingSazyback
I wonder what happened to that nice lady who gave me her husband's boat. Wouldn't it be something if she ended up here, too, and because of a curious twist of lime and tequila, er, fate, she got shot before we could meet up again? Ah Des, that's crazy talk.

PoeFan1
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty!"

Rygc
On the catwalk, on the catwalk, when I strut my little tush on the catwalk.................

PoeFan1
"I'm definitely feeling a draft... a draft aft."

MingoLeger
Was that an African or a European swallow?

hatch_n_sniff
"Penny I know your out there, and so does little McDes."

Rygc
Anyone up for a pi$$ing contest? That ship could be the target.................ah........wait a minute.........SHIP! SHIP!

appathetic_and_confused
Tie-die is so much better than a kilt when ya want to feel the ocean breez brotha.....

Rygc
ONE....singular sensation, every little step he takes.....

zenmaster5280
Zen: You got legs right up to your neck
You're making me a physical wreck
I'm talking to you
Hot legs, sans your shoes
Hot legs, you're making me drool
Hot legs, you're making me a fool
I love you honey

LIONARTist
She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of break
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Brilliantined
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Raw Urchin Edition

2007-06-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

JustMech
Jin: "That it. No more blowfish for you."

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jin Kwon discovers that the island makes a man's sperm 5 times stronger when he approaches Claire, impregnates her from three feet away and the fetus instantly grows to full size.

niobe23
Jin: What do you mean its mine?

bringingSazyback
Jin: Anything from the bar, miss?
Claire: Yeah, s** on the beach
Jin: Take it easy lady! I'm a married man!

Sawyers_Sidekick
Claire: Look Jin, When I Hold My Arms Out Like This, The Wind Just Lifts Up My Dress! HeHe!

MingoLeger
Claire: God the service sucks around here. I ordered a Mai Tai.

Rygc
Claire: Can't a girl get a decent meal around here???? Charlie offers me invisible peanutbutter and now you offer me raw sea creature???? I NEED REAL FOOD and if somebody doesn't come up with something real soon, I will drop this baybay right here and right now!!

lostieAR
Claire: I wonder who Kristen was talking about that was being high maintenance during a beach scene and that none of her co-workers want to work with her. Surely she doesn't mean me? Maybe if I just smile really big.

MingoLeger
Claire: Sun was just telling me that your woo hoo is THIS big!

seekaterun
Claire : A...a....Chooo !
Jin : Please, no sneeze on my food !

rememberGoodwin
Yeaaah! Jin, the play you wrote is brilliant! What's the title again? The Hired Chef and the Diamond Heist? Brilliant! How'd ya ever come up with the idea??

LIONARTist
Jin: "Holy carp! Those makeup and wardrobe people need help. First Jack and Locke's wigs and now this."

LIONARTist
Jin thinking: "She said to feel it?!!! What does she want me to feel?!!! Her belly?!!! Her b00b?!!! Her bootay?!!! Oh no! What if Sun sees me feeling her up?!!! What will she say?!!!"

bringingSazyback
Claire: HA! I told you I could urinate on your leg from here.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jin: Excuse me, Miss, but I have a big mussel that I want you to have.

Claire: A big "muscle"? Is that all you guys ever think about? Getting a big "muscle" from some guy is how I got knocked up to begin with. No thank you, you can just take your big "muscle" and go away, you pervert.

Jin: No, I meant that I wanted you to eat this mussel I just got from the ocean. You know, put it in your mouth and chew because it's good for you and your baby. But that's fine, if you do not wish to eat this mussel, I'm sure someone else will.

Claire: No, wait, I'm sorry I misunderstood you. I would love to have your mussel.

Another Lostie, off camera: Jesus, is that all these women think about? That's probably how she got knocked up to begin with.

Board Transition Edition

2007-06-10T11:02:00.000-04:00

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Dr. Marvin Candle: "Once the board transition is complete, it is imperative that this message board be used for reading only. I repeat, this board is for reading only. Failure to comply with this rule may result in another "incident". And by "incident", I mean that the new board will appear for 15 minutes and then dissapear again because the morons at the DharmABC Inititaive don't have a clue what they're doing. I mean seriously, if these asswookies had any idea what they were doing, it would be a miracle. Wait, is that camera still rolling? We can edit that last part out, right? Sh!t!. Uhm... I mean, Namaste.

Sneaker123
"I am Dr. Marvin Candle. Behind me you see the documentation that will accompany the new ABC Lost Message Boards....."

captainaeon
...If you would like the new board to blow up, enter 77...

TheGeoff
In other news today, Mikhail Bakunin died. This is the second death for Bakunin, also known as Patchy, Cyclops, McPatchy, and Eyepatch Dude. He has worked for The Others since -- breaking news, Mikhail Bakunin is alive!

Ctrl-Z
Manual override achieved.
For a new board uplink enter 2-4.
To increase thread limit, enter 3-2.
For communication with moderators enter 3-8.
None of the above operations are functional.
If there has been an incursion of the board by noobs, enter 77.

hatch_n_sniff
Please support ,"Marvin's Kids" Telethon.

MingoLeger
It is highly recommended that you and your partner take alternating pants, in this manner you will stay fresh and alert.
Oops, wrong game!

JustMech
I'd like to speak to you for a few minutes about Enzyte, the key to natural male enhancement.

LIONARTist
Good evening. This is Fox news at nine, I'm Dr. Marvin Candle and I'm not wearing any pants

JustMech
I'm not just the President of The Artificial Limb Club for Men, I'm also a client.

MingoLeger
Marvin Candle: And now, my top 18 thoughts and questions on the board transition.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
"...experts have been tracking the meteor for weeks now and it appears to be headed for the downtown area. No one is sure just when the meteor will strike, but we will keep you posted when more details are available. In other news, a local man who recently won the lottery has used a portion of his winnings to purchase the Chicken Shack he once worked for. Our own Tricia Tanaka is live on location and has an exclusive interview with the restaurant's new millionaire owner...........Tricia?...........Tricia?.........Are you there?...........Hello?.............

MissingPlane
Welcome. I'm Senior Fellow Harold Kerosene Lamp. You have been exposed to thee Dharma Future. Seeing the future is a priviledge. I wish I had the priviledge of seeing the future. Maybe if had been given the priviledge of seeing the future i would be able to close my fingers on my left hand. Maybe i would actually have real fingers on my left hand. Maybe,,just MAYBE, if I Had BeenGiven The PRIVILEDGE OF SEEING THE FUTURE..I would still HAVE A REAL LEFT HAND!,,But,,I digress..You Have seen the future. It is imperative you don't loose your head over it. You really don't want a prosthetic head. We here at Dharma appreciate all the suggestions. Soon, the future will be now. When It comes, count your blessings if you still can...Namaste' !!

MingoLeger
Bad George!
I hope he doesn't transition to the new board.

hatch_n_sniff
Dr. Candle: "You want to talk about a transition, try typing with this left hand!"

MingoLeger
Dr. Candle: If we can't learn to transition together, we're gonna transition alone.

back_gammon
Marvin Candle: The boards are inoperable? That means communications are down. For "Dancing With the Stars" access enter 634-5789 and wiggle your purple sequined thong.

TheGeoff
Lost will not be seen today, so that we may bring you this special presentation sponsored by the Dharma Initiative. Our regularly scheduled programming will continue in nine months.

rememberGoodwin
....again, this project is very important. Lastly, if you do find time to leave your hatch, please visit the Dharma Initiative Store where you will find great deals and a huge selection. And you can get a free Dharma cofee mug with all purchases over 20 dollars! Thank you and namaste.

MissingPlane
Hello I'm Dr Marvin Candle,,You mite remember me from such great hits as,,Intro to the Swan Hatch,,and who can forget Intro to the Pearl Hatch?. I'm here to talk to you about The New Board. If you have no experience with the Old Board, then you won't know about what led us here at Dharma to create The New Board. There are certain " species" here ,particular to the Old Baord, that our electronic fence has been incapable of keeping out. Our New Board has all the modern technology and promises an improved security system, allowing for a much more pleaseant stay. Soon you will want to make the final commitment. We here look foward to that time when you make the final committment. Dharma Initiative requires your final committment for the betterment of all mankind. Your final committment will help Dharma Intiative in achieving its Imperative,,that is,, solving all of mankinds problems,,and ushering in an infinite era of Peace, Love and Happiness. Dharma Iniative thanks you for your patience and looks foward to the time You make the Final Committment..

UsurpSynapse
What Dr. Candle doesn't know is that we secretly replaced his regular Dharma coffee with ALS Crystals. Pretty soon his body will conduct a purge of its own. Let's observe.
ALS, brought to you by hostiles, inc.
Thank you, namaste, and GOODBYE!

talkswithhands
"Juliette you ignorant s1ut!"

wednesdayworld
This week on Lost Message Boards . . . E-V-E-R-Y T-H-I-N-G W-I-L-L C-H-A-N-G-E . . .

zenmaster5280
Communication between Raszinski and Dr. Marvin Candle has led to the Dharma Initiative’s computer policy of no outside communication (as evidenced in later film clips). For posterity, a section of their IM’ing which led to the incident:

>: You stole my Message Board!

>: Actually--Borrowed. Borrowed without permission. But with every intention of bringing it back.

>: But you didn't!

>: You'll get another one.

>: I will.

>: A better one.

>: A better one!

>: That one. [flashes the new Lost General Board’s url]

>: What one? That one? [Bookmarks new Lost General Board site to favorites]

>: Aye, that one. What say you?

>: BAWK!

LIONARTist
Marvin Candle: Hey kids, I'm Marvin Candle, and if you're like me you're worried about VD. And, I don't mean Valentine's Day. I'm talking about Venereal Disease or kids may call it: "Syph", "The Clap", and "Crotch Rot". Sayyy... Where do you suppose you get VD?

Boy 1: From hookers and doorknobs

Girl: Drinking cups and water fountains?

Boy 2: Nice people don't get VD!!

Marvin: That's all true, but, mostly, you get VD from "Doin' it" Now I'm not tellin' you not to have sex. I'm not the man comin' down on you. In fact, I WANT you to have sex, and lots of it, whether you're with a group, alone, or maybe with only one other person. Like my belt buckle says... (shows belt buckle) GO FOR IT. So, let's get the straight dope about VD......INCLUDING GENITAL HERPES, from Doctor Jeanette Littledove, a great doctor and a wonderful lover.

Dr. Littledove: Thank you, Marv.

Marvin: You're welcome, Dr. Littledove. Saaayy, Dr. Littledove, can you tell all my cool friends what are the symptoms of VD?

Dr. Littledove: Well, Marv, men may notice fiery ...penls....... painful .... penls should be...... cut off ..... as quickly as possible.

Marvin: Thank you Dr. Littledove. Saayyy... What about the ladies?

Dr. Littledove: Well, Marv, girls are different. Women's symptoms include: ....vaglna ....vaglna ....'gina......may fly.........away.

Marvin: Good information. Thank you.

Marvin Candle: Hey, let's face it, VD is pretty much everywhere you go, so at some point you're probably gonna get it.

Marvin: And when you DO get VD... OR GENITAL HERPES......What's gonna happen when you tell your parents? Do you think this might happen...

Clip:

Teen: Say dad...?

Father: Yeah, son?

Teen: This is a hard and difficult thing for me to say, but I have a strong discharge coming from my penls. Do you think it could be VD?

Father: Yes, son, I'm SURE it's VD. Honey!

Father: Frank has VD.

Mother: I'll get the penicillin.

Marvin:.....If your parents are like my parents, it'll probably go something like this...

Clip:

Teen: This is a hard and difficult thing for me to say... I have a strong discharge coming from my penls. Do you think it could be VD?

Father: AHHHHH OHHH My......OHHHHH Goodness.
....... OHHHH Goodness.....Discharge.......Penls ..... AWWW OWWWW Goodness!....... Oh my goodness!........OHH dear goodness!..........Honey!

Father: Frank has VD.

Mother: I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!!!!!

Father: Look what you've done, son! ..... Penls...

Mother: I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!

Father:.........Ohhhh Son!

Marvin:.......That's why it's best not to tell your parents at all. If you get VD, tell your guidance counselor. He's probably got some penicillin lyin' around from when he had VD. I know I've got mine. Keep on truckin', kids.

He'll Be Wondering Where I Am...

2007-06-03T06:29:00.000-04:00

TheGeoff
Sayid: Everyone's been seeing dead people. Jack saw his father, Ben saw his mother, and Mr. Eko saw his brother. I think we're the only two who haven't been hallucinating, Shannon.
Kate: Sayid, there's something I need to tell you.

captainaeon
Kate--'Ok--Duct tape...chains...pitchfork....I think we're ready to begin...
Sayid--(gulp!)

LIONARTist
The LOST version of DANCING WITH THE STARS!

Holden_Caulfields_Girl
"What do you think the shippers will call us on the boards? Kayid? Sayate? Hey, I know, we've both done bad things, how about Katydid?"

cab_l30n
Kate: Oh Sayid, when we get rescued we can finally be together.
Sayid: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

huntsman99
46 hours and counting. Keep this up and I know we'll come in first place.

captainaeon
Kate--'Gimme some sugar, baby!'

LostySawyerFan
Kate: Great party heh? Oh, you have some salsa on your neck.

bringingSazyback
CUT!
Naveen: Evie, what's wrong.
Evie: I'm going crazy, that's what. My real boyfriend is right over there with his pretend girlfriend, who is this blond cute thing with a weird accent and my pretend boyfriend is hot and MARRIED and my other pretend boyfriend is evener hotter and MARRIED and now they are going to kill off my real boyfriend and as you can see I've just got a lot of **** going on.

ALDILA
Look Naveen, I don't care if we DO work for ABC they'll never let us on Dancing With The Stars if we don't at least look like we can dance a little.

gwenniesgrannie
Sayid: Follow me...5, 6, 7, 8...

cmsmith68 (10271 Posts in the last 90 days)
The most beautiful sound, I ever heard
MARIA MARIA MARIA!

justacoolguy36
Kate: "and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-eeeyIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always loooooooove yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!"
Lost does The Bodyguard

rememberGoodwin
Sayid: The love triangle is so last year! What we need now, baby, is a love square! Put me on your list sweetie!

marbalbc
Look in my eyes Kate! Hold your head high. Elbows out....and one, two, three; one, two, three...
*sigh* We'll never get on Dancing with the Stars at this rate

Iheartlocke
Sayid: "Spaghetti Arms! You are invading my dance space. This is my dance space, this is your dance space. Let's cha-cha!"

bg says, "Play it again, Zen!"

zenmaster5280
Kate: No Sayid. No. What has happened to you. Last night we said--

Sayid: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well I've done a lot of it since then and it all adds up to one thing. You're getting on that plane with Jack where you belong.

Kate: But Sayid, I , no, no--

Sayid: You've got to listen to me. Do you have any idea of what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten we'd both wind up in the Other's camp. Isn't that true, Desmond?

Desmond: I'm afraid Ben would insist.

Kate: You're saying this only to make me go.

Sayid: I'm saying this because it's true. Inside of us we both know you belong with Jack. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground, and you're not with him, you'll regret it.

Kate: No.

Sayid: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Kate: But what about us?

Sayid: We'll always have Mysterious Island.

Physician, Shave Thyself

2007-05-26T14:55:00.000-04:00

cmsmith68
since he's been off the island, jack has started dressing like each of the Others. Today he is Tom.

bringingSazyback
Crappy directions....I don't see the American Idol auditions anywhere.

FrontRowFlurry
"Damn Cheech, where are you"
(Jack channeling Tommy Chong)

cmsmith68
Jack still hasn't learned the art of 'rolling' and driving at the same time..

hatch_n_sniff
"Mr. Sheppard, this is ON STAR. We see you've been in an accident but our records indicate you died three years ago and again next year."

llanoestacada
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.......

cmsmith68
One of these is matfoxlver's house.....

back_gammon
Jack cruises LA night and day searching for Bea Arthur's house.

llanoestacada
Jack: "Yea, I'll have 2 super tacos, a large onion ring, an Orange Juice......"
Jack: "Could you repeat that?"

Skookums
jack: "christ, i can't believe i'm going to be late for my own funeral...."

NiceGuy Eddie
"hello, my name is Jack, I was a doctor, a leader, and survivor of a plane crash, now I'm Jack-sqwat, 38 years old, divorced, on a steady diet of government cheese, and I live in a van down by the river!"

ALDILA
I can't believe they were out of the Groucho glasses and mustache.

hellolost
Jack the suicide bomber stalks his prey

gretchielost
Oh, sure, they say, if you want drugs go to the docks, they say. Just make a left at the stoplight, they say. I'm going to find it without directions, or my name isn't Jack Sparrow!

lockesladyluv
i' sorry mr steering wheel... would you repeat that please??? and give me adouble borbon while you're at it....

LIONARTist
Naw, Billy Joe Bob said thet the 24 hour hardware store would hev the part fer mah still. He done said it were 2 blocks down on the left after ya done went 3 miles paist the Suwanee Swifty, after ya turnt right on the street with the Huddle house.......dadburnit! Or was thet LEFT on the street with the Huddle House? Wish ah head me wonna them thar fancy cell phones ta call Billy Joe Bob and git them directions agin.

bringingSazyback
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42

Ben emerges from the adult video store.

There he is!

VROOOOOOOOOM

BUMP BUMP

BUMP BUMP

BUMP BUMP

BUMP BUMP

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Another Day, Another Wardrobe Crisis...

2007-05-26T08:36:00.000-04:00

LncshrLassinMI
Desmond: Someone stole ma kilt last night, laddie......but if they come back tonight, 'am ready for 'em!!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Next week on LOST...
Desmond discovers the hatch implosion has given him a second power when he leaps back in time and enters the body of Kurt Cobain.

Goony123
"I canna find the bloody bathroom so I bin wizzing inna this bottle for the past three days. I think I'm too sodding drunk though, cuz me rifle's filled with piss."

JustMech
"Phallic symbolism? What's that mean, brotha?"

hatch_n_sniff
Des' memories of Mrs. Hawking continue to haunt him as he keeps hearing her repeat, "Don't worry about Penny my dear boy, I AM the greatest thing you've ever done."

PoeFan1
Des: You want me to wear those pants?! They're polyester! Don't make me shoot you brotha.

OhioRob2
Those Darn Whisperers! Probed me in my sleep Again! Which way did they go???

Sawyers_Sidekick
Desmond: "Is That My Pants Up There?"

JustMech
"This is my weapon.
This is my gun.
This one's for shooting.
This one's for fun."

talkswithhands
Mech- my drill sergeants said that in basic. I was such a naive' young thing that I didn't get it right away. It should have been tatooed on my forehead, "just doesn't know better".

JustMech
Does bring back the "good" old days, doesn't it?
So, are you going to register "just_doesnt_know_better" as your new screenname?

MingoLeger
Happiness is a warm gun
Happiness is a warm gun mama
When I hold you in my arms
and I feel my finger on you trigger
I know nobody can do no harm
Because Happiness is a warm gun mama
Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is
Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun
Ah, don't you know that
Happiness is a warm gun mama

MingoLeger
Desmond contemplates ending it all when one of his premonitions shows Hurley and Rose "in a net".

JustMech
Ernest Hemmingway relaxing at his home in Ketcham, Idaho.

hatch_n_sniff
Is that thing cOcKED???

DesmondSaysBrotha
ARRR!!! that light be too bstarboard for me eyyyyeee!

DesmondSaysBrotha
This is how ya gonna dieeee Charrrlayyy!
*shoots him*

Banned_Again_Tony_C
Either I'm really s.h.i.t.faced or that's a polar bear over there.

grannieindisguise
Desmond: I'm not gonna put on pants, brotha! That's so last season!

llanoestacada
Desmond: "Wheh is that wascally wabbitt!"

llanoestacada
Desmond relaxes on his first Hedonism cruise.

thats_that
What? you can't be a drunk monk in the Royal Scotts who randomly shoots people? That's rubbish!

The_Victims
*Des watching last weeks american idol*
Des: what are they doing voting off melinda, i liked her! Damn it simon, once i find my pants, im coming for ya brotha!"

Captain_Sarcasm_815
I CAHN'T BAHLEEV BOONE DIED!!! HOW CAHN I GO UN LIVIN!!?!

talkswithhands
Missing Plane did what with me bottle o' booze? I don't care how he thinks it will help the constipated horse! Imma gonna shoot 'im anyway!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Of course I can shoot the dynamite with this gun. I spent three years in that hatch playing Halo in my free time, how much different can it be? By the way, where in the hell is the "A" Button on this thing?

nmb1blonde
Des: "Said he didn't like technology, Ole Jacob did. So I took out me gun and stole his pants. Do you like them, Brutha?"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Henry Ian Cusack stars as Jesus in this summer's blockbuster The Passion Of The Christ 2: The Revenge

Secret Dharma Recipe...

2007-05-26T06:31:00.000-04:00

rememberGoodwin
Is it possible to be so drunk that you can't tell the difference between drinking beer and pouring it on your dinner? Yes, yes it is.

Goony123
"Hmm.. the last time I basted a pig I was locked in a bear cage. Look at me now!

MingoLeger
Sawyer learned the secrets of basting when he and Martha Stewart were cell mates.

JustMech
Now let's pour a 40 on the curb for our Lost brothers and sisters.

AlTandlost
Silly Boar! Beer is for red necks!

llanoestacada
Sawyer: "All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here. You don't win friends with salad."

Caladhiel
This is how we do gravy in the south!

hatch_n_sniff
Sawyer and boar are both getting "buttered" before dinner.

MingoLeger
BAM!

MingoLeger
Sawyer wastes precious Dharma beer on the boar and is accused by the other Losties of alcohol abuse.

LncshrLassinMI
Sawyer: Let's see now.......baste with a little Dharma beer and..........."Voila!", as Julia would say. My best barbecue recipe yet!

grannieindisguise
"This would taste better with mojitos poured on it, but..."

sweetsayid
Mmmmm, this reminds me of Tallahassee!

042078
And I ran...I ran so far away...
I just ran...I ran all night and day...
I couldn't get away...

AlTandlost
Silly Boar! Beer is for red necks!

llanoestacada
Sawyer: "I like my beer cold, my boar hot, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming."

justacoolguy36
damn, I just realized this dharma light has "GHT" in it
[this caption brought to you by Miller Lite]

justacoolguy36
10 SIGNS YOU GREW UP WITH AN ALCOHOLIC GRANDMOTHER:
. . . . #4

Captain_Sarcasm_815
can't wait til Hurley teaches me how to make Boar Pockets . . . .
[sings] BOAR POCKETS!

Karl's in Charge Edition

2007-05-26T05:52:00.000-04:00

talkswithhands
Hurley sets up his invisible piano. But much to the chagrin of the other Losties, Karl tries to use his position as new guy in camp to call dibs on air guitar.

The_Victims
Karl: and thats what happened on the season finale of Heroes, crazy stuff eh?

llanoestacada
Danielle thinking: "She spends 16 years on this island and this is the best she can come up with?"

OhioRob2
Carl =And they gave me a paper cut right on my johnson!!

JustMech
He hulas among us, but he is not one of us.

grannieindisguise
Danielle (thinking): This is Alex's boyfriend??!? I should have gone after her long ago...

JustMech
Hurley: "Whoa Dude! Island ghost stories are even scarier than ones in Korean!!"

kharma_bites
Karl:
The Cabbage Patch dance?
Hurley:
Yeah Dude! It's easy! Look...just put your hands out in front of you like this.
Karl:
Like this?
Rose:
sighing and shaking her head
White people.

Richards_Eyeliner
Karl: "...and then they wanted me to wear eyeliner!"

hatch_n_sniff
HURLEY: Dude, show us again how Ben humped the invisible guy Jacob. Wooow, that is just so wrong.

MingoLeger
Karl reveals to the camp that the horse was indeed constipated.

zenmaster5280
Karl: My People, they’re coming. They heard about Sawyer’s luau and...
Hurley: Oh we're going to a Hookie Lau
A Hookie, Hookie, Hookie, Hookie, Hookie Lau
Everybody loves a Hookie Lau
Where the mau-mau eats the pau-pau at the big luau.
Throw those nets out into the sea
And all the oma-oma come swimming to me
Cuz we're going to a Hookie Lau,
A Hookie, Hookie, Hookie, Hookie, Hookie Lau!

MingoLeger
Karl: Guess what I just saw Ben and Tom doing!
Hurley: Whoa dude!
Rose: Oh God, not before breakfast.

JustMech
You gotta swing your hips now
Come on baby, jump up, jump back

MingoLeger
Karl tells the group that George is on the loose again.

ALDILA
OK , Hurley, Sayid and Jack you're shirts, Rose and Danielle you're skins. (Where's Kate and Sun).

Tinky815
Rose: Hurley, breathe through your mouth! Breathe through your mouth like the rest of us!

cmsmith68
Hurley:
came to get down
So get out your seats and jump around
Jump around
Jump around
Jump around
Jump up Jump up and get down.
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
JUmp
Jump
JUmp
JUmp
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
JUmp
Jump

cmsmith68
Bernard: Why was Jack photoshopped over me?

talkswithhands
Bernard: Arrogant spinal surgeons! We, dentists, don't get any respect!

hatch_n_sniff
"Count Hugo commands Karl to WALK."

rememberGoodwin
The Losties react with shock and dismay when Karl tells them he's now a regular on the show and will be taking some of their air time.

silverhalo1217
Karl: Come on Jack, join in with everyone else!
*singing* You put your right arm in, you take your right arm out, you put your right arm in and you shake it all about"
side note - The look on Danielle's face in this picture is priceless! LOL

Goony123
Karl: "Okay Jack, I showed you mine, now let's see yours."
Hurley: "Dude, you do know that's a vajayjay, don't you?"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: She looks kind of familiar, like maybe she's an extra or something. Does anyone remember who this black lady is?
Danielle: Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh......
Hurley: Hmmmmmm.....dude.....uhm, no.
Sayid: Isn't she....uhm...whatshername?
Carl: Yeeeaaaah.....hmmmmm....
Rose: ::thinking::I know they're all talking about me. That's OK, I'll just make the best of it. Just as soon as I remember what their names are. Hmmmmmm........

AlTandlost
Karl: I......I......I just pooted.......
Sayid: Ewww! that is disgusting! what a pig!
Rouesso: *STUNNED*
Hurley: Get that pooty away from me!!!
Jack: Was it from the burritos?
Rose: Whats that smell? It smells like burritos

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Carl: What's going on guys?
Sayid: Hurley told us that he has never touched a woman's b00bs before. We paralyzed Danielle with one of the Medusa spiders so Hurley can cop a feel while she is unable to move.
Jack: Oh, man. I love b00bies. You know how when you grab a woman's b00bs and they feel like bags of sand?
Rose: Alright Jack, you just get in line behind Hurley and wait your turn.

dharma4815
jack: since you're...new here, i'll have you know that you're in MY spot. People are supposed to listen ME. I am the center of attention, I get the most flashbacks, and I get the highest salary!
Rose thinking: I'm gettin' outa here before this gets ugly.
Hurley: Dude, not a good idea.
Sayid: I like you already.

justacoolguy36
Karl: so apparently, Vincent IS Jacob!!
Hurley: whoa dude, I just noticed your zipper is down!
Rose: weren't you even paying attention to what he just said?!

The_Victims
Karl: sorry guys, got some bad news. You guys are gonna have to find something to do for 8 months because your next season wont start till January and were only doing 16 episodes a year for the next three years, after that, you guys are gonna have to find other jobs. sorry. no hard feelings...right?

Sayid Says....

2007-05-25T21:26:00.001-04:00

zenmaster5280
Sayid: "Tastes Great!"
Sun: "Less Filling!"
Sayid: "Tastes Great!"
Sun: "Less Filling!"
Sayid: "Tastes Great!"
Sun: "Less Filling!"
Sayid: "Tastes..ah he1L, this isn't even Dharma Beer!"

cmsmith68
Sayid: Damn those DHARMA people! I invented this and won The Apprentice: Iraq!

042078
Sayid: You drank the bottle of Jack's tears? I had been saving that for a very special moment...

MissingPlane
...yes Sun..a simple plastic bottle can upset the balance of things..look at me, i am already starting to tilt..oooh..OOOOHH ..OOooOOhhh!

hatch_n_sniff
SAYID: No bottle opener, no problem!! Just use my lips.

lockesladyluv
jacob turned the water into wine!!!

Tinky815
Dharma Water??
Now get me some Perrier before I get the bamboo splinters!!

cmsmith68
Sayid: You're supposed to pe.e on the stick, not in the bottle

nancyfancypink
"This water is giving me chapped lips, see????"

MissingPlane
..yes..its all in the tongue..see?,,when you can remove the cap from this bottle with just your tongue,,then you will have it..

LIONARTist
Sayid: "FINALLY! Finally,...we find out ...WHY... the horse was constipated. This bottle smells."

nancyfancypink
I'm sorry I stole your water. Let's kiss and make up.

LIONARTist
Sayid: "You see. You put a baby mouse inside the bottle. Then you feed it every day so that it grows to be an adult mouse. THEN...you take it to the distributor and, VOLIA, you get a free case of bottled water. Works every time."

LIONARTist
Sayid: "Once I get her drunk from the wine that I'm going to put in this bottle, then I'll get to show her my "Oh" face. Ooooh. Ooooh."

042078
During the war, we learned to store extra water in our gullet. Watch me swallow 4 of these.

kharma_bites
Sayid: I do not care if you are not thirsty...you must drink some water or you will dehydrate!
Come on now....Here comes the choo choo train. Open wide.
Choo choo choo choo..

kharma_bites
Sun: I don't know how I ended up pregnant!
Sayid: Well, allow me to suggest another method of satisfying your husband so this will not happen again. Now, imagine this bottle is Jin. Place your lips like this. Come on now you try.

LIONARTist
Oh my. Madonna all over again.

Lost_Fanatic21
Sayid : Okay give this to Juliette, Its the erm... Urine sample she keeps asking for but I still don't think she should use it as part of her Beauty regime.....

talkswithhands
Sayid: Oooh Sun- it is true, your pregnacy has definitely increased your odds of winning the wet t-shirt contest.

LIONARTist
Sayid: "Sun, Repeat after me. Wa-ter Bot-tle. Wa-ter Bot-tle"
Sun: "Wa-tel Bot-ter"
Sayid: "Close enough"

Action_Potential
Sun, I heard you were impregnated by super sperm, now if you can give me an ounce of your fluids, I might be able to turn this bottle into a communications device, yes, I know it sounds strange, but you did see the 4-toed statue, didn't you?

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Here, take this bottle and set it close to the campfire. When it gets warm, bring it back to me quickly and I'll stick it up your butt and squeeze. I'm sorry Jack is not here to give you a real enema, but I assure you that this is the next best thing.

maÑic
"I know it wasn't Boone who stole the water this time, Sun!"

itsrainingnow
Sayid: SUN, for the LAST TIME, THIS is MY water! SEE? It has MY saliva on it!

LOST_in_my_mind
'Sayid': ach hem - no I do not put lip plumping lipgloss in my water, Sun. I thought Juliet said no one would notice - just that I would look more Vouge
'Sun': Yes, of course, Sayid. But they are wonderfully full and shiny!
'Sayid': You think so!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Naveen Andrews: Who put this water in my dressing room? I only drink Fiji water. How may times do I have to tell you that I only drink Fiji water?
Yunjin Kim: You sound just like Sara Silverman.
Naveen Andrews: Yes, Checkie was watching her special again before he wrote this caption.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Sun, this camp is in desperate need of entertainment and I think that you are just the person to provide it. Here, let me tell you about the time I was in Tijuana and this trick I saw a woman do with nothing but her v@gina and a water bottle.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Nuuuuuuuuude! I said nuuuuuuuude! If you get nuuuuuuuuude, I'll give you my last bottle of water. Dammit, woman, I know you can speak English.

MissingPlane
.." ah wite,, ho da wide as wo pude da lemon juze n my wa da bodel?

justacoolguy36
I'm trying to whistle
can you teach me how?
I'll trade you my water bottle from season 1

BenIHateYou
I've had camel piss better than this!!

JustMech
"Alex says that DHARMA puts collagen in the water instead of fluoride and that's why her lips look like this!"

LIONARTist
Sayid:

"Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
you may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see her
Again and again.

Some enchanted evening
Someone may be laughin',
You may hear her laughin'
Across a crowded room
And night after night,
As strange as it seems
The sound of her laughter
Will sing in your dreams.

Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons,
Wise men never try.

Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.

Once you have found her,
Never let her go.
Once you have found her,
Never let her goooooooooooo!"

Granny Got Gams Edition

2007-05-16T17:31:00.000-04:00

grannieindisguise
Mrs. Hawking: Why, no, I don't think I look like Lawrence Fishburne at all. Red pill or blue?

MissingPlane
Mrs Hawking: ...eeEE
Oh goodness I just far ted!!,, hehe hah
brrp
Oh there I go again!
fraap
Oh my aren't I the little teapot today! hehehaha
pfft!
Oh hoohoo hehe
brippp
Oh dear boy Desmond , have you a cork?
sqeeek
hehe i can't ,, i can't stop Desmond
riiip!
ohh hohoo please Desmond, a cork! a cork! my kingdom for a cork!
pppplaaabbb!!
Please please Desmond, , brrrriiip,, eehhehehe,, heres a chip ,, rrreeaaap

Desmond:...why.. why didn't I see that comin?

WeatherRock
Don't be silly dear, I'm twice your age..... here have a treat
Desmond: I'm serious......I want you as my treat

captainaeon
Mrs Hawkings--'Ah, Desmond! Sitting here with you like this reminds me of when I was young. Magical times! It was the sixties, and I was a groupie for the Rolling Stones. The wild drunken orgies we had! (laughs, wistfully) Oh, my, yes--those were the days...'

MissingPlane
Mrs.H..so you see Dear Desmond,,its all ineviatble,,so enjoy!..here enjoy some of these..
..No.. wait..alls I have to duue..is not wear red sneakers..rite?..rite?

Texashummingbird
Des: "No thanks, I don't care for chestnuts. And by the way, please find a tanning salon you're blinding us with your whiteness"
Mrs. Hawking: "I can't tan deary, I'm Irish. Here, how's about a peek up my skirt?"

Goony123
"Alright, Desmond. How's this for a Catch-22? You've got to choose a night in the sack with me, or one of these peanuts from the 1908 World Series. So. . . which old bag will it be?"

JustMech
Desmond: "And what exactly do I get for tuppence a day?"

llanoestacada
Mrs Hawkings: "What is it you find so amusing my dear Desmond?"
Desmond: "I don't have the heart to tell these poor schmoes that no matter how much they dress up this set, it will never look like a London street scene."
Mrs Hawkings: "It's probably best you didn't my dear. These chestnut are probably the only things you want to see roasting on an open fire today."

Daddio_of_4
And after I got out of the Monastery I was thrown in the Royal Guard Prison and then I was in this concrete bunker for three years pushing this button....
so let's just say it's been awhile and I ain't that partcular...
Know what I mean, nudge, wink...

BulletProofBreast
a pretty lady passes by them sitting on the bench
Mrs H offering bag: "Banger mr Hume?"
Desmond: "Banger? I hardly know her!!!"

hatch_n_sniff
"No, no Des...... I'm not a princess, I'm a Dharma Queen."

iamsoolost
We have hooked up in the past and it is inevitable that we will hook up again- give in my dear Desmond! You don't believe me! Inside this bag is your leopard thong from our last encounter!

Black Patch Down

2007-05-13T08:22:00.000-04:00

(bg: Thanks to everyone who make Ben-a-palooza week so much fun! I hope you enjoyed the caption contests as much as I did.)

TheGeoff
Ben: Before you blew up the sub, we had communications with the mainland. Mikhael here could easily find out about every plane that crashed on this island. Now he has to lie on his back and watch them come down.

JustMech
Ben: "I just asked for your father's body, John. You don't have to drag everyone that you kill into camp."

Caladhiel
Locke: What?

JustMech
He tripped.

wednesdayworld
Female extra # 1: Those were starting to look good . . .
Female extra # 2: Gawd I miss shopping for new boots!

JustMech
Ben: "FINISH HIM!!!"

hatch_n_sniff
"Locke can not hide his dissapointment when there's no candy in Ben's birthday pinata."

Ctrl-Z
Ben: "oh, big deal! see that girl over there in the tank top? SHE messed him up a lot worst last week."

WeatherRock
Locke: Now that the Dharma drops have stopped we need to go Donner Party............ I killed him......you clean him

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: I'm in charge around here, I should get to go first.
Locke: I knocked him out, I'm gonna go first.
Ben: Nuh-Uh!
Locke: Nuh-Huh!
Ben: Wanna play Rock-Paper-Scissors for it?
Ben and Locke argue over who will be the first to teabag Mikhail

grannieindisguise
Locke: How 'bout you, Bug Eye? You ready for your nap?

llanoestacada
Locke: "You're next you little bug-eyed bastard, unless you start comming across with some answers!"
Ben: "OK, OK. Kate slept with Sawyer."
Locke: "And is Jack banging your ex?"
Ben: "You heartless son of a *****"

llanoestacada
Ben: "I wouldn't turn my back on him just yet. Haven't you seen Halloween?"

brotha_desi
Ben: I've told you not to do things like that John!
John: don't tell me what i can't do ben! you're next boy!

justacoolguy36
Ben: I only put in one bullet . . . that's like an 8% chance . . .
Locke: 8%!?! who taught you math!?
guess the movie

justacoolguy36
Ben: "Don't blame me! I mean come on, the drink is called 'adios mother f---er' for a reason!"

bringingSazyback
Ben: Whadja do that for, John?
Locke: Cuz he has pretty hair...............so do you.
Ben:

bringingSazyback
Locke: Now Ben.....you're gonna take me to see Jacob, isn't that right Mikhail?
Mikhail:
Locke: And after that, we are going to build a smoke lodge, isn't that right Mikhail?
Mikhail: Look, could you just leave me out of it?
Ben: I'll take you to Jacob, but you can forget about the smoke lodge. Right, Mikhail?
Mikhail: I think that bald bastard knocked half my teeth loose.
Locke: Oh, we're gonna build the smoke lodge. We're gonna build a smoke lodge and you're gonna like it. Isn't that right, Mikhail.
Mikhail: Look, I really don't care. Just let me bleed in peace.
Ben: Alright. We'll build the smoke lodge but I'm not going in it. Smoking is bad for your health, isn't it Mikhail.
Mikhail: Look if you two are going to have a ******* contest, can you do it downhill? I've got enough trouble here.
Locke: Oh, you're going in that smoke lodge, Ben. You're going in and you're gonna like it. Isn't he, Mikhail.
Mikhail: I can't believe you are still talking to me. Shut up!
Ben: I'll go in the smoke lodge if we can forget about going to see Jacob. Jacob doesn't like surprise visitors, does he Mikhail.
Mikhail: I am so going to stick my rubber boot up your butt.......as soon as I can stand up.
Locke: You, me, Jacob AND Mikhail are going in the smoke lodge and we're going to have a vision, isn't that right Mikh...
Mikhail: That's it!
Mikhail jumps up and shoots them both and everyone lives happily ever after.
bringingSazyback
Locke: How do you fire this gun Chino? By pulling this little trigger!? How many bullets are left Chino? Enough for YOU? Or YOU? All of you!! You ALL killed him! And my brother! And Riff! Not with bullets and knives! With HATE! Well, I can kill now too, because now I have hate!!! How many can I kill Chino? How many -- and still have one bullet left for me?
Ben: Well we did it. We finally broke his brain.

LIONARTist
John: "And THAT...is how we deal with sissy boot-wearing one-eyed patch wearin fancy dans who speak with bad Russian accents in my neighborhood. Anyone else here wanna be a sissy boot-wearing one-eyed patch wearin fancy dan? I didn't think so."

LIONARTist
Mikhail: "..and now we transition into the next Yoga position, the bludgeoned nutfrog. Hey, how come no one's doing this with me?"
John: "What-the-hell's he talkin bout?"
Ben: "Just humor him. He thinks he's on TV"

LIONARTist
Ben: "John...I've never been more attracted to you than I am right now. Kick him again. Ooooohhh! Yes! That's the way. Oh MY! I feel so alive!"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: John, why did you beat up Mikhail?
Locke: He said he wanted to rub my bald head, and I told him he could.
Ben: Uhm, so why did you beat him up after you gave him permission to do it?
Locke: :: pointing up :: I thought he was talking about this head.

LIONARTist
What?

lockesladyluv
mother always did like him best...

MissingPlane
.Ben...uum excuse me Locke,,i have to go find my glasses...

Macabilly
Ben: I only put in one bullet . . . that's like an 8% chance . . .
Locke: 8%!?! who taught you math!?
guess the movie

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
(hope it hasnt been said already!)
great movie FTW

MissingPlane
...Sayid broke his nose..I had to reset it for him...you understand..

MissingPlane
..Until TPTB bring back Bernard,,we're just gonna have to do denistry around here the old fashion way!

MissingPlane
...just remember Ben..no job is too dirty for Mr Clean!!

I am Lockes stolen kidney
Ben: Why'd you do that John?
Locke: The first rule of fight club is you do NOT talk about fight club, and the second rule is...
Ben [takes out tape-recorder]: note to self: DO NOT invite John to movie night anymore.... and he's out of the book club too.

The_Victims
Locke: Ben, this is what happens when you take the last of the toilet paper and dont put a new roll in...
or
Ben: locke, what did u do?
locke: hey, at least i didnt blow anything up...

hatch_n_sniff
BEN: "Would someone please clean up old Mr. Puss-n-Boots over there."

Empty_Cans
Ben: Locke you can't always expect miracles, people don't just fall from the sky you know.
*BANG*
Ben: No...he ...er ... just tripped and fell Locke.
mental note *Dammit, wish Mikhale would stop trying to convince people he can fly*

I have no words....

2007-05-12T11:40:00.000-04:00

bg: I have no words to make a title for this one. How did I ever have a caption contest before Juliet showed up? Ya gotta love her.

llanoestacada
David Attenborough: "The female assumes the mating position trying to lure the male into breeding. The male appears disinterested."

hatch_n_sniff
Ben and Jules work on their secret code for" Left Behind."

JustMech
"I don't care what Locke said! If you think I'm pulling a submarine out of there, you're out of your mind!!! Cooper was bad enough!"

back_gammon
She farts among us, but is not one of us.

LIONARTist
Juliet: "BRRRAAAAPFFF!"
Ben: "Jeez-Louise! I told you to stop eating those damn grilled cheese sammiches. Look what you did to my hair!"

TheGeoff
If I can't have a baby on this island, maybe I can lay an egg!

stephvig
"Look I can carry a cherry in my butt cheeks!!"
"This is the REAL magic box."

1beachluvrV2
Juliette in best Jim Carrey voice: Do you mind if I a$$ you a question?

LIONARTist
Juliet: "C'mon ben. Look at it for me. It feels like a pimple. But it could be a bug bite. I can't tell just by feeling it."

LIONARTist
Juliet: "Push the button, pull the chain, out comes the little brown choo choo train"

LIONARTist
Juliet: "Milk, Milk, Lemonade. Round the corner fudge is made"

1beachluvrV2
Look I pulled the arrow out now you gotta hold up to your end of the deal and suck the poison out. ***Gopher laughs in the background***

LIONARTist
Ben: "For the last time, this is not a reality TV show, I am not Bobby Brown. AND, I WILL NOT DIG OUT YOUR DOODIE-BUBBLE!"

shootingstar815
I wonder where this cable goes?

talkswithhands
Juliette: I'm tellin' ya, this Dharma H just does NOT work.
Ben: We told you the last leg of the trip was a rough ride!

talkswithhands
Juliette: Kiss my a$$!
Ben: Bare it and share it... OMG, I can't believe she did it!

MissingPlane
J...Hey Ben!! WHALE TALK!!! HUMP BACK OR BLUE WHALE??,,,eeeeEEEEEEEBLOIT BLOIT!

MissingPlane
Julie....mi mi mi...miii.....pfft pfft ppffft ...pffft
Ben... your a little flat there Juliette..

hellolost
Hey Ben, Can you see smokey in there?

LIONARTist
Juliet: "If you see Locke coming with a rubber glove on, please give me a heads up. He keeps saying that I'm constipated."

silverhalo1217
Juliett: Who cares about the damn horse? I'm the one who's constipated!

BulletProofBreast
Juliet: Do we have any more of those dharma brand Oops I Crapped My Pants left?
Ben: I told you not to drink that tranquelizer so fast...it'll do that to you....

Reiyn
Ben! Quick!! Light a match!!!

wednesdayworld
Ben: Com’on, Jules, do the Macarena for me again and I'll let you go back home.
Juliette, to herself: I hate you.

hatch_n_sniff
So.....Ben, I hear they used to call you Henry Gale. Well back home they called me "Hang Time Helen," PUUFFTTT yeah, that's what I'm talk'in about!!!

MingoLeger
OK people, I challenge someone, anyone to come up with a good caption for this one that does NOT involve distasteful bodily functions.
Although these ARE pretty funny!

MingoLeger
So no one has yet to come up with the Pythonesque . . . "I faaart in your general direction!"?

llanoestacada
Ben: "Crop dusting is more effective down wind, Juliet."

llanoestacada
Juliet: "Oh look Ben, the Queen!"

stephvig
Juliette- "Do these pants make my butt look big?"
Ben- "No dear not at all. It's your butt that makes your butt look big."

ALDILA

So this is the island version of kissing the Blarney Stone.

back_gammon
Juliet: Does my butt make my hands look big?

grannieindisguise
Ben's hair: The heartbreak of blowback.

ctrl_Z
Sawyer's advice for Ben on how to go "downtown" with Juliet:
1. I'm Sorry.
2. You were right.
3. Those pants don't make your butt look big.

hatch_n_sniff
Ben: "I only paddle you, because I love you."

paperfist
Ben: Hey Juliet....What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
Juliet: I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps
Check it out!

paperfist
Juliet: Ben, what's another word for pirate treasure?
Ben: uh, I believe it's BOOTY!... BOOTY!... B-B-B-BOOTY!

paperfist
Ben: Oh girl, you look good when back that thang up!
Juliet: I hate you, Ben! You're so juvenile.

Action_Potential
...And now... The Others Traveling Actors Society presents:
The 40-year Old Virgin Islands.
Ben: I hope you have a big trunk... cuz I'm putting my bicycle in it!
Juliet: Ohhh yeahhh! Let's go!

wednesdayworld
Juliette wonders if the pants will travel to Sun, Claire, or Kate next.
Ben thinks: I've been on this island my whole life and if there's one movie I really want to see, that's gotta be it!

MingoLeger
Ben (bursting into song):

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture . . . . .

Juliet: How the hell did I get stuck on this island with Sir Dix-A-Lot?

maddog2108
Ben, in his condescending voice:
Jules, you know Jacob doesn't like your butt puppetry..."

back_gammon: I'm afraid to even ask what "butt puppetry" might be.

Captain_Sarcasm_815
Hurley told me a joke, and I laughed my a$$ off . . . . literally

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: No, Juliet, absolutely not. I'm not giving you my matches so you can light another f@rt. We still haven't been able to get rid of the Smoke Monster you created the last time you did that.

bringingSazyback
Ben: SPARKY! HERE BOY! SPARKY!
Juliet: He's not coming. I'm leaving.
Ben: Listen...that shark loves me. I'm his mama. SPARKY! Where could he be?
Juliet: Here's one place you haven't looked yet.

bringingSazyback
Juliet: Oy. I can't believe we slept out here all night. I must have had a rock under me because my butt hurts.
Ben: I swear I never touched you!
Juliet: I said rock, not c......HEY!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: Jeez, don't point that thing at me. The last time you unleashed your Weapon Of A$$ Destruction, you took down a passing airplane and we've had nothing but problems ever since.

bringingSazyback
Is that what happened? :D

bringingSazyback
Juliet: Oh, that mongolian BBQ is coming out like hunks of fire. Can I borrow your chapstick?

bringingSazyback
Ben: I asked you to bring the tape recorder.
Juliet: Oh right. I have to keep it in my butt because Jack's hands are all over me these days.
Ben: Well, that stinks.
Juliet: No kidding. I need to piddle, there's Jack. I want a little fruit salad, there's Jack. I'm hanging up some laundry, there's Jack. I think he's stalking me.
Ben: I meant the tape recorder.

bringingSazyback
Juliet: My butt itches.
Ben: Our study of the bears shows that the proper way to deal with an itchy butt is to rub it on a rock.
Juliet: Okay, I'll use this one here, but don't look, okay?
Ben: Okay, I'm looking for my shark anyway. SPARKY!

bringingSazyback
Juliet: ffft
Ben: What did you say?
Juliet: Nothing....must have been the wind.

bringingSazyback
Juliet: Oy. Stupid island brought you a spinal surgeon and a parapalegic to play with. What I wouldn't give for a decent chiropractor. It's bloody favoritism.
Ben: Quit hanging out with Charlie, and don't call the island stupid. It might kill Charlie just to teach you a lesson.
Juliet: No way! PB for effin evah!

bringingSazyback
Ben: What's for lunch?
Juliet: Brown trout. I'll be right back.

lockesladyluv
i'll kiss the rock if you kiss my bum...

walto_lives
Juliette: woman can't get pregnant here, so what hell. put it right there

LIONARTist
Juliet: "Betcha five bucks I can fart the national anthem".
Okay, what movie was that from?

peanutflutter
Ben, I gotta go. The Dharma oatbran is kicking in.

BulletProofBreast
Juliet: We really gotta label our bedrooms better...Tom did it to me AGAIN!
Ben: oh sorry, our doors do look so much alike....

…And a word from our sponsor…

MissingPlane
...When The Final Call Plays, We Are Here For Family and Friends ...
..............RED SHIRT FUNERAL HOME AND CREMATORIUM...............
.....................................Burbank California.....................................

Campfire Java Edition

2007-05-12T10:25:00.000-04:00

Caladhiel
Tom: I dont know Richard...I think if he takes his time lining up that putt, he might have a shot at winning the Polar Bear Open this year.

llanoestacada
Pondering his next move, Richard tries to persuade Jose and Tom to vote for Locke tonight at tribal council, despite his performance at the patricide reward challenge.

UsurpSynapse
Gas masks: $42
Cyanide cannisters: $23
Dharma jumpsuits: $15
Being able to enjoy a nice cup of Joe with your best buddies after a bloody coup massacre: Priceless.

JustMech
Richard: "Tom, do you have to start singing 'I'm a little teapot' every time I want a cup?"

wednesdayworld
Tom, after humming the theme song to "Will & Grace", says: I'm Tom, btw.
Richard: What type of deal is this? Everybody always hums that song around me.

JustMech
Richard: "No Tom, I don't think we should name our camp 'Central Perk'."

zenmaster5280
Richard to Tom: Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the as$. So I limped to the nearest hatch, crawled inside a liquid eyeliner bottle, and I've been there ever since.
(ala Blazing Saddles)

MingoLeger
Richard, Tom, and Saddam Hussein are shocked that Billy Ray was voted off of "Dancing With The Stars".

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Richard: Hey Tom, I just saw Mikhail ruunning into camp. You want to beat his @ss again?
Tom: Nah, I beat his @ss yesterday. I'm tired.
Richard: Yeah, and I beat his @ss the day before that. Lets see, I think Ben got him the day before I did, and Cindy beat him up on Tuesday. Isabel beat his @ss three times over the weekend, and the children beat him like a pinata all last week. What do you think? Should we just let the bald guy get him this time?
Tom: Yeah, sounds good to me. Pour me another cup, will ya?

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Tom: It's gonna be dark soon. I wish I knew some Korean ghost stories, people really seemed to like those.

Ctrl-Z
Nestor Carbonell: So the guy who played Ben's dad was Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite?
M.C. Gainey: Yup! And the guy who played Pedro is right behind me.

Ctrl-Z
Pedro [thinking]: I wonder if I'm his type. I should bake him a cake.

WeatherRock
Richard: Nothing goes better with a cup of coffee than watching a good old fashion asskickin
Tom (thinking): Kickin it.....hell, I'd be tappin it

Action_Potential
Richard: No matter how much time you spend on this island, you just never get tired of this view....
Tom: Yeah... but does Ben really have to go "commando" this early in the morning?

Ctrl-Z
Tom: 10 bucks says it will be Ben.
Richard: Hmm... I'm gonna have to go with Locke on this one.
Tom and Richard betting on who will get to teabag Mikhail
(Sorry Checkie, beat you to it )

hatch_n_sniff
Tom: sooo......Richard......did you ever go by Dick?

paperfist
TOM: Is that guy still looking at me?
RICHARD: uhh....
TOM: Don't turn around! Don't make any eye contact!
RICHARD: Relax, baby! You know you're money! just play it smooth, baby, just play it smooth!... yup, he just looked...
TOM: okay, I'm making a move....

justacoolguy36
The Other's "Zoolander" Look-Alike Contest
sorry Tom, but you dont have it in you

Ctrl-Z
The Other's "Zoolander" Look-Alike Contest
sorry Tom, but you dont have it in you
haha... Richard: I call it "blue steel"

back_gammon
Richard thinks: "Why does Tom get a normal size camp chair while I have to squat on a muffin top?"

llanoestacada
Tom: "Well I'll be damned."
Juan Valdez: "Hola!"
Richard: "How'd he get that damn mule over here?"

TheGeoff
Tom: You look as young as the day I met you.
Richard: Tom, you're not my type.

LIONARTist
Tom: "Next on Kenny Roger's Jackass, the Drinkin Coffee till ya Puke with Monkey Boy game!"

stripeb42123
Tom and Richard: We've got the day off. Wan't some coffee Ben?

The_Victims
richard: so who do you think will be voted off american idol tonight?
tom: i dont care, after sanjaya was voted off i was done with that show...

The_Victims
richard: so how do u think mikhail dies this week?
tom: who cares, im sick of him dieing every week and not staying dead...

Cover your mouth when you...

2007-05-08T19:40:00.000-04:00

Ben-a-palooza week continues! I can't stop!

WeatherRock
Ben: Swallow

cmsmith68
Juliert : For gawd's sakes, Ben! Quit eating those fish biscuits!

llanoestacada
Juliet: "I tried to take it out with an ice skate and a rock like you showed me, and look!"

hatch_n_sniff
Ben: "Dr. Candel wants his arm back."

cmsmith68
Ben: Those implants have given you man hands, Juliet.

wednesdayworld
Juliette: Really, my breath is that bad?
Ben, pouting: I'm really hurt by that. I'm not a liar.

cmsmith68
Juliet: Ben! You finally found my g spot!

MingoLeger
OMG! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!
The next line should be:
Ben: Of course, right in the magic box!

MingoLeger
Ben: Congratulations, Juliet! Your impersonation of Jack wins 1st place on "The Next Best Thing"!

JustMech
***Yawn*** I should have guessed that Roger "Work Man" was actually Roger Lodge.
(For those that don't get this, it's a reference to the Blind Date TV show.)

trips_when_she_walks
Juilet: "go to the wish box and think up a tic-tac"

Action_Potential
Juliet: I HATE YOU BEN! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! YOU'RE THE WORST HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
Ben: Hey I told you they make it extra spicy here. Next time, maybe you'll listen to me and get your thai food "mild". sheesh!

ctrl_Z
JULIET: Don't give me cliches, Ben. I have a right to know.
BEN: Nothing. It's not YOU, it's....
JULIET: Tell me the truth, Ben!
BEN: The truth. you want the truth!? It is your earrings! It is the chopsticks! but it's so much moooore! You're pretentious! You call everyone by their full names! You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel", but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam-U-ELLLLLL"..... Papieh Machay????? What the hell is Papieay Machay??????!!!!!
JULIET: Keep goin'....
BEN: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

cmsmith68
Ben: Tom is really your sister, Juliette..

llanoestacada
Ben: "There is no reason to get upset. I told you you can see your sister once you have solved the conception problem."
Juliet: "No, no"
Ben: "Then how can I help you. What can I do to make you feel better?"
Juliet: "Get off my friggin' foot!"

Empty_Cans
Juliet: Ben, please get me a tissue it's running all down my fingers *cries*
Ben: I did tell you not to touch it.
Juliet: Well it's hard...i mean difficult when someone asks you not to do something you just have to do it.
Ben: Really? ... well erm can you stop touching it

JustMech
"Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?"
(For you Mallrats fans)

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: Juliet, I am so sorry. You warned me that the island makes a man's sperm 5 times stronger, but I had no idea it was strong enough to shoot your teeth out.

LIONARTist
Ben: "JULIET! I don't care how big and painful the booger is. I've told you not to pick in my presence!"

Banned_Again_Tony_C
Juliet: Oh my God! The mods deleted my ta-ta thread twice! The horror! The horror!

maddog2108
Ben: Wow, Jules! I didn't know you were such a Red Sox fan! Catch your breath and I'll tell you a Paris Hilton story...

lockesladyluv
i'm so verklempt... discuss among yourselves... carrie... genius writing or depressing mess....

LIONARTist
Ben: "I know you've been working on it all day. But that is still the worst Joe Cocker impression I've ever seen"

CheckieEatsOrganicPopTarts
Ben: Juliet, why do you keep covering your mouth like that?Juliet: I'm sorry, it's just a reflex. Every time I see those big bug eyes of yours, I think a giant mosquito is flying towards my mouth.

Wake me up before you go go…

2007-05-08T18:55:00.000-04:00

grannieindisguise
Ben: All right, John, this is standing up. Wanna try it?

grannieindisguise
Locke: What is it, Ben? What have you been trying to tell me?
Ben: John, you complete me.

bringingSazyback
Locke: Wha?
Ben: I said I have to piss and I'm scared of the smoke monster. Come with me.

WeatherRock
Locke: Magic box? I don't know about that, but I got your magic stick right here
Locke: I was just laying here, looking at the stars and wondering what they mean.
Ben: They mean someone stole your tent, John.

hellolost
You know Ben you really didn't need to p.ee on me in order to wake me up. Get up Locke would have worked just fine

maddog2108
Ben: John, I thought you said you couldn't erect a tent???

WeatherRock
Ben: There is plenty of room in my tent for your little tent, John

ctrl_Z
Locke: For the last time, the answer is NO, ben!
Ben: What? Do I have to make you a mix tape?

Daddio_of_4
Ben to Locke: Is that a shadow on your pants or are you just happy to see me?

042078
Locke: it's the pants!! It's just the pants!!

042078
Locke: Dammit, ben, You're worse than the dang button! At least that thing gave me 108 minutes of peace!

LIONARTist
Ben: "Time to make the doughnuts"

LIONARTist
Locke: "Please, oh please, oh please....let that be his thumb"

042078
Ben: You ever seen a grown man nakid? You ever watch Gladiator movies?

BG:
Gladiators?! Hmmm, I wonder how many toes this guy has? That’s it! Mystery solved!

stephvig
Ben(in a sarcastic tone):Sure Locke, I believe you were pushed out a window.
Locke: I swear, it really happened. This is what I looked like when I landed!!!

MingoLeger
Ben: Locke, you were wrong about the horse. Now go get the bucket and mop from BG's last caption contest and clean that mess in my tent.

LIONARTist
Ben: "John....I just had to wake you up a to tell you the exciting news. Paris Hilton is going to jail"
Locke: "Huh? Wake me if you find out Nicole Ritchie is going too"

hatch_n_sniff
" seeing you on the ground like that brings a whole new meaning to Brokeback Mountain"

TheGeoff
No, it wasn't a dream. It was a real island. And you were there, Henry Gale. And you, and you

wednesdayworld
Ben: What, can't get to sleep without your blankie?
Locke: No, I can't get to sleep without my blue tarp.

MingoLeger
Locke: Why, Ben, it appears that YOU are not the man we thought you were!

JustMech
Locke: "That's Jacob? Look Ben, I know I said I wanted to meet him but..."
Ben: "You're not who I thought you were, John."

wednesdayworld
Ben: Look, you're new. Some who've been with us longer get to sleep in tents.
Locke, to himself: I'm always the Outsider. Everywhere I go in life, I'm always the Outsider

Action_Potential
Ben: "Hello John. Alright listen to this. What if I told you that on this island there was a magic box, and in this box you can find anything you want, ANYTHING you wanted! Even a magic unicorn!... No wait, let me try this again. Alright, you see, you're special John. You're more special than anyone here. From the moment you wiggled your little toes, I knew that you were the one, John. You're the one that Jacob has been waiting for. And let me tell you, Jacob loves you like you wouldn't even know, John. No wait, that came out wrong. Alright, let me think, How should I put this? Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I wanna dip your bald head in oil and rub it all over my body."

Locke: [long pause...] "You had me at hello."

MinnaMinnaPoo
Ben: "Locke, wake up."
Locke: "Whaaa?"
Ben: "I just can't quit you, baby." (Leans in for a kiss)
Locke: "Dammit, not again!!"

paperfist
Ben: Wake up, John, you silly sleepy head. It's time for us to go to candy mountain. Yes, candy moutain, John. The land of sweets, and joy, and joyness....

Daddio_of_4
Ben to John: It's simple. I give a new tribal name to each member by naming them after the first thing I see when they join the group. Why do you ask "Two Dogs Fecking"?

thats_that
Hey John, Uh... I'm gonna have to reveal an island secret to you right now, you see, this island mutates sperm 5 times stronger, and um.... you might not wanna sleep in that spot precisely... just sayin'

llanoestacada
Locke: "Can I have binkie back?"
Ben: "I thought we talked about the transition you have to make from relience on the past. That this is part of the transition."
Locke: "How about Mr. Nubbins?"
Ben: "Just get some sleep. We have a big day of deceit and patricide tomorrow."
Locke: "Would you leave your tent door unzipped? Just a little?
Ben: "Well, alright."

Daddio_of_4
Ben to Locke: Oh sure now that it's time to pack up all these tents and shite and hike over the mountain does your paralysis come back...

Pretty convienient for you isn't it?

Daddio_of_4
Ben to Locke: I just came by to tell you that you can have your wheel chair back.... I won't be needing it anymore..... and next time let me know in advance that the beachies were using it to haul firewood...

I've got a splinter in my arzt and without Jack, we don't have a qualified surgeon to remove it...

Bastages!

Clean Up Your Mess

2007-05-06T09:08:00.000-04:00

BG: This contest went to hell in a bucket - a mop bucket that is. I laughed until my stomach hurt and I couldn't possibly pick winners. They're all just too good.

JustMech
When you said that I would 'really clean up' if I helped you with your next con, this wasn't what I had in mind!

cmsmith68
Locke: You call this floor clean? I want you to sit there and think about the poor job you've done.

cmsmith68
Locke: Now look what you've done! You forgot to put the Wet Floor sign up and Ben slipped and fell and now he's in a wheel chair

Goony123
"Let's get ready to ruuuumblllle! I'm referee Mills Lane, welcome to the first ever Wheelchair Boxing Match. In the red corner, weighing in at two hundred nineteen and a half pounds, from Tallahassee, Anthony "Son Tosser" Cooper! And in the blue corner, weighing in at one hundred seventy five pounds, from parts unknown, Ben "The Manipulator" Linus. Gentlemen, let's have clean fight."

wednesdayworld
Locke, to Cooper: Yes, all prisoners are allowed one phone call. Phone's by the window. Oh, and guess what floor we're on here.
Ben: My money was on a kidney recall.

TheGeoff
We don't have a code for "There's a man in the mop closet threatening his father." But maybe we should.

Lockes_Box
"Boy! the game "mouse trap" has changed quite Ben since I used to play it with my brother when I was young."

maddog2108
Locke to Cooper:
Remember you used to sing me this song? Well, NOW I get it!
Locke sings:

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue (that's me dad)
and the man on the moon (that's you Ben)
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then...

MissingPlane
" For The Love of PETE Ben!!,,if your goin to hog tie someone to a wheelchair ya gota let them have a visit to the mens room every now and then..

kharma_bites
Ben:
What now?
Locke:
What now? Let me tell you "what now?" I'm gonna call a couple a hard, pipe-hittin' ******* to go to work on the homes here, with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

lostieAR
Locke: What do you mean you don't know the latest theories? They are still trying to decide if the box is symbolic or realistic, and if you were manifested through Smokey. And you Ben, some fan is counting your every syllable. You guys really need to start reading the boards again.

justacoolguy36
so we got a ladder, some kegs, and a mop?
BUT WHERE THE HELL ARE THE GIRLS?!
--- ABC's newest idea for a viagra commercial

LIONARTist
Locke: "You mean to tell me, that I work my a$$ off all day, hunting boars, throwing knives, tracking others, blowing up communications stations, and I come home to find you haven't done a damn thing ALLLLL DAY?!!!! Lookit this house. It's a pigsty!!!"

ctrl_Z
Locke: I don't understand. What do you mean you want me to mop the floor with my dad?
Ben: It's a metaphor you idiot! Jeez! you take things so literally. I'm starting to wonder why the island chose you.

BulletProofBreast
Ben: *singing
Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute,
Mr. Clean will clean your whole house and everything that's in it.
Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!

Locke: Damnit I am not Mr Clean!!
Cooper: You can't clean this room, you don't have the guts, you're weak.
Locke: Don't tell me what I can't do!!!!!
*grabs the mop*

bringingSazyback
Locke: Dad, if you want to run in the annual wheelchair race of the mangoes, you have to have wheels on your chair.
Ben: Like mine, Coop, see my cool wheels?
Cooper: Well, I could ride that mop bucket
Ben: WheelCHAIR race...CHAIR....my god but you are pathetic..
Locke: Ben.....no goodsportsman conduct medal for you.
Ben:

BG:
Cooper: Well, I could ride that mop bucket...

justacoolguy36
looks like a new version of the shopping cart stunt from Jackass . . . .
Lostass
"Hi, I'm Anthony Cooper, and this is the 'little yellow mop bucket' . . . "

bringingSazyback
Locke: You complete me...
Ben: Hey! You said I complete you!
Locke: Well, you completed me yesterday and he completes me today.
Ben: I want my friendship bracelet back.
Locke: I WANT MY KIDNEY BACK!
Cooper: See what you did?

bringingSazyback
Locke: Dad? How come you've got all kinds of hair and I only have three or four strands?
Cooper: You take after your mama.
Locke: She's got all kinds of hair too.
Cooper: Just get over it already!
Locke: But James keeps calling me rude names, like Mr. Clean.
Cooper: Who's that?
Locke: I'll introduce you later.

captainaeon
Cooper--'Well, if it isn't Locke and his girlfriend Helen...'
Locke--'Helen?'
Cooper--'Yeah, Helen WHEELS, hee hee...'
Ben--'John, you didn't tell me your father was a sitcom writer. Let's show him what we do for sweeps, shall we?...'

042078
Locke: And I'm tellllllllllling you....I'm not going! You're the best dad I've ever known...there's no way I could ever go...no no no no way...

BulletProofBreast
Locke: You really need to shut up, or I'll stick this mop where the sun don't shine...
Cooper: Light shines everywhere when anyone's around you, it reflects of your HEAD you bald bastard!!

hatch_n_sniff
Dad, when you said I would clean up at the bank, I never thought it was the Dharma Sperm Bank!! Did you fill those barrells by yourself?

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Locke: You know, the whole point of playing Musical Chairs is to grab a seat before they're all occupied. If Ben is confined to one chair and Dad is tied to the other one, then just how in the hell am I supposed to have any chance of winning?

LOST_in_my_mind
Locke: I am VERY, very disappointed in you two! I leave this place for 1 hour... one hour and I come back and look what you've done! Cooper.. you didnt put the Caution sign up and he slips and ends up in a wheelchair!! May I remind you this is the SECOND time you've put someone in a wheelchair! And you..!! I have told you before that 2 wrongs DONT make a right, Ben! You had no right to tie Cooper up to a chair! My goodness.... with all this stress- no wonder I'm bald!

knockout Ned
LOCKE : "you mean to tell me that this mop bucket is the magic box? That my father came out of this mop bucket?"

JustMech
Ben: "The Island demands a sacrifice, John."
Locke: "Alright Ben, I'll do it. I'll clean up in here. But I am not wearing the French Maid's outfit!
Cooper: "Careful son, that's what I said."

llanoestacada
Locke: "I told you dad, you should have taken the blue pill."

stephvig
This is the easiest game of monkey in the middle I've ever played!!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Locke: ::singing::

DJ's spinning (show your hands)
Let's get dirty (that's my jam)
I need that, uh, to get me off
Sweat'n til my clothes come off

Ben: That's enough, John. I know I sent you in here to torture your father, but singing Christina Aguilera songs at him? That's uncalled for, and I'm afraid I can't let you continue doing that.

Locke: Don't tell me what I can't do, esp. when I haven't even stripped down to my G-string yet.

Cooper: ::thinking:: Please, God. Kill me now.

Jinja the Ninja

2007-05-06T08:51:00.000-04:00

justacoolguy36
Jin once beat Chuck Norris in a round house contest
In an unrelated story, Chuck Norris caused Oceanic 815 to crash.

BulletProofBreast
Jin once took a vacation to the Virgin Islands.
They are now The Islands.

wednesdayworld
Jin: Take that, Fence Fry man!
(Kudus to Daddio for coming up with the nickname "Fence Fry Man." )

SahraB
Jin: Since you refuse to use the Dahrma White strips... let me just help you with your offensive brown smile by kicking your teeth out!

hatch_n_sniff
"Hello Ben, it's me Mikile. I gave up fencing and am giving karate a go."

cmsmith68
Mikhail: What?

JustMech
Sure I enjoyed watching Kate and Juliet mud wrestle, but how was I supposed to know that they would want to watch us do this in return?

wednesdayworld
Jin: Mikhail? Mikhail Baryshinikov? What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer? The Netcracker suite!
Mikhail, to himself: I thought he was going to tell that awful joke about what you call the outfit of a ballerina with one leg . . .

PoeFan1
Jin: Who needs Bernard? I can take care of that toothache right now!
Mikhail: It wath the other thide Jin!

JustMech
The big problem with Super Sperm is that they made my "walnuts" turn into "coconuts", so now I have to walk like this.

ctrl_Z
Island makes sperm 5 time stronger! Shouldn’t Patchy be pregnant from that kick?

captainaeon
Jin--'I learned this on 'Expose'--Razzle Dazzle!!!'

llanoestacada
Jin: Subtitle this!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Patchy's favorite oldies tune:

Jin Kwon was a fisherman's son
And when his daddy would visit he'd come along
When they gathered around and started talkin'
That's when Jin would take me walkin'
Out through the back yard he'd start stompin'
Then he'd kick me in the eyes
Lord knows, to my surprise

The only one who could ever beat me
Was the son of a fisherman
The only boy who could ever mistreat me
Was the son of a fisherman
Yes he was, he was, ooh, yes he was

Helluva Jesus

2007-04-29T08:23:00.000-04:00

wednesdayworld
Paint this one, Norman Rockwell.

LIONARTist
Momma: "Oh stop it, Hoogo. Last time this happened your head spun around and you spit pea soup. Remember? That's how you got your nickname"

Daddio_of_4
- Dave's not as um.... como se dice.... grande like your father but he's been there for me these last 17 years

TheresaFallsUpTheStairs
"you put your hands together when you pray hugo!

Empty_Cans
Hurley: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, mum the Heroin is only in the Virgin Mary Statues, not the Golden Jesus ones.

knockout Ned
Hurley: I DONT WANNA HEAR ABOUT TACO NIGHHHHHHT!!!!

Special Long Caption Award:

042078
Cheech:
I never thought my life could be
Anything but catastrophe
But suddenly I begin to see
A bit of good luck for me

'Cause I've got a golden jesus
I've got a golden twinkle in my eye

I never had a chance to shine
Never a happy song to sing
But suddenly half the world is mine
What an amazing thing

'Cause I've got a golden jesus

[Spoken]
It's ours, Hurley!

[Sung]
I've got a golden sun up in the sky

I never thought I'd see the day
When I would face the world and say
Good morning, look at the sun
I never thought that I would be
Slap in the lap of luxury
'Cause I'd have said:

Hurley:
It couldn't be done

Cheech:
But it can be done

I never dreamed that I would climb
Over the moon in ecstasy
But nevertheless, it's there that I'm
Shortly about to be

Hurley and Cheech and Mom:
'Cause I've got a golden jesus
I've got a golden chance to make my way
And with a golden jesus, it's a golden day

Cheech:
[Spoken]
Good morning, look at the sun!

Hurley and Cheech:
[Sung]
'Cause I'd have said,
It couldn't be done

Cheech:
But it can be done

I never dreamed that I would climb
Over the moon in ecstasy
But nevertheless, it's there that I'm
Shortly about to be

'Cause I've got a golden jesus
Mom, Cheech and Hurley:
'Cause I've got a golden jesus
I've got a golden chance to make my way
And with a golden jesus, it's a golden day

Sand Crabs?

2007-04-25T05:36:00.000-04:00

ALDILA
I know Dark UFO hid those Easter eggs around here somewhere.

JustMech
Whose idea was it to play 'Vincent Says' anyway?

wednesdayworld
How many Islanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three . . . one to be a lookout for Udders, one to try to grow new herbal or solar ones, and one to band birds with a note to send for an electrician. No one likes to stay in the dark for 3 seasons.

hatch_n_sniff
"Jin pees like a girl"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Paulo wasn't exactly the most well liked guy on the island before he died, but everyone agrees that creating this giant litter box to make number two in was a stroke of genius.

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Wardrobe Crisis

2007-04-23T22:56:00.000-04:00

gwenniesgrannie
Desmond: Boxers or briefs? boxers or briefs? I can't decide...

awkwords
Henry Ian Cusick to Damon Lindelof:
"Oh I thought you said this episode was called 'Flashes you before your eyes'."

Sazyga
Hurley off camera: Dude, I said "bear", not bare.
Desmond: Well don't just stand there brotha, help pick up my threads. I had a shirt, didn't I?

talkswithhands
tarzan was successful in a loincloth, wonder if it would work for me too?

MissingPlane
...Oh Crap!! here comes the Hawaii State Police!!...HEY! HEY! WHere did everybody GO!!??

marbalbc
Oh lad, I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize.

words and music by Mike Cross, performed by Flogging Molly

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

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Defensive Holding

2007-04-22T09:02:00.000-04:00

042078
Are you looking for the perfect gift for Mom this Mother's Day? Introducing Mom Jeans, exclusively at J.C. Penney.

captainaeon
'Back when I was living down in Texas, I had a belt buckle that was this big!'

JustMech
So then I put the beard on down here, but Juliet didn't think that was funny...

lostieAR
Tom: Yeah he doesn't have an arm, but he makes up for it with ..........

Anonomonolomous
Jack: 1. I'm sorry, 2. You were right, 3. Those pants don't make you look fat
Tom: awe, shucks

guitarek
SAYID: Now I REALLY don't know what is more disquieting... The 4-toed statue or the fact that this man has a cameltoe.

LIONARTist
Tom:

"Gimme an M"
"Gimme an A"
"Gimme an N"
"Gimme an G"
"Gimme an I"
"Gimme another N"
"Gimme another A"

"What's that spell?"

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Singing in the Rain

2007-04-22T08:17:00.000-04:00

wednesdayworld
Ben: Who are all these people?
Tom: They're my support group.
Ben: Can you get good cell phone reception out here?
Tom: We're Verizon. We never stop working for you.

captainaeon
Ben--'I said I need something for the pain, not something for the rain!!!'

kharmabites
Tom: What are you doing Ben?
Ben: SHHHH! The Island is trying to tell me something!

CharlieKissClaire
Ben: What's with the umbrella?
Tom: Jack's here...and he's crying...again...

gwenniesgrannie
Ben: Tom, would you move just a little to the left? Thanks.
Tom, would you roll me over? My hair is getting flat on this side.
Tom, is there any more bottled water? My throat is a bit dry.
Tom, can you see if there's any sand under me? My skin is so sensitive.
Tom, I have an itch on my.... *thud*
Tom: Scratch your own, friend. You're not my type.

cmsmith68
Tom: and when we get back to your house, i will give you a nice sponge bath and facial.

talkswithhands
Tom: Are you sure?
Ben: Yes, now that Jack and I are friends, we'll be hangin' together at the golf course and we'll need a golf umbrella during the rainy season! You know that's what doctors and us intellectual types do.

LIONARTist
Ben: "Ah've always ray-lied upown tha kahndness of stranguhs. Ah dew buhlieve ah've gawt tha vapuhs."

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That Don't Float

2007-04-21T14:43:00.000-04:00

cmsmith68
Let's see Holly Hunter do this.

zenmaster5280
An entry from my 5 year old nephew:
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish...

LncshrLassinMI
Charlie: Hey guys, I think I found the LOST chord!

captainaeon
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a Piano…

MissingPlane
Charlie: ... and they said a Englishman could never write Surf Music,,I'll show'em!!

And a special LONG caption award for Lion and his extraordinary rendition of “The Piano Man.”

LIONARTist
Its nine oclock on a Wednesday
The refugee crowd shuffles in
Theres an bald man sitting next to me
Watchin love between Sun and Jin.
He says, son, can you play with my memory?
Im not really sure why we're here
But its sad and its sweet and it would really be neat
if I had a cold frosty beer.

La la la, de de daLa la, de de da da da
Sing us a song, youre the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all on this island eternally
because of this ill-fated flight.
Now John killed a boar, he's a friend of mine
He'll get me off drugs really soon.
And he's quick with a knife and he'll save your life
as long as your name isn't Boone.
He says, Chuck, I believe Jack is taunting me.
As the smile ran away from his face.
Well he doesn't believe this is destiny
that we all had to crash in this place.
Oh, la la la, de de daLa la, de de da da da
Now Paulo's a new hunky socialist
who never had lines on the show.
And hes talkin with Hurley whos still kinda burly
And Kate has lost all of her toes.
And the stewardess is practicing camoflauge
As the whisperers slowly go mad.
Yes, they're staring at Locke who is on the black rock.
It's the best ship that he's ever had.
Sing us a song, youre the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all on this island eternally
because of this ill-fated flight.
Its a pretty odd crowd for a Saturday
on the Lost General board on the net.
But they know that its me they've been comin to see
and they're all pretty decent, I bet.
And the piano, it sounds like the salty sea
And the heroin smells like my rear
And they sit on their knees and they punch on their keys
And say, man, what are you doin here?

Oh, la la la, de de daLa la, de de da da da

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Mudcake Edition

2007-04-21T08:39:00.000-04:00

lost2459fanAgain
What can brown do for you?

LIONARTist
Kate: Hey Juliet, what do you do if Smokey eats you?
Juliet: Run around real fast until you're all p00ped out.

hellolost
I told Locke not to throw ex-lax at smokey.

MissingPlane
..Sorry Julie.. this is All Sawyer's Fault!!!..he coulda called this Island..Flower Petal Island..or Strawberry's and Whip Cream Island,, or Maple Syryp Island, but no..he went and called it.......

zenmaster5280
Kate: "...told you this was better than the Volcanic Dust Mask at Spa Mandalay..."

captainaeon
Kate--Can you explain to me why we are both completely covered in mud yet our handcuffs are still shiney?
Juliet--Jack likes me better than you.

llanoestacada
Juliet: "We need to get out of these wet, dirty clothes."
Mech lights a cigarette. "Go on."

wednesdayworld
Mud Cakes Fan Recipe:

Roll 2 women in mud
Add a catfight
Stir in some shirtless Soya
Whip up a way to make Desmond's clothes fly off
Peel off Sun's top
Switch time to 9 P.M. adults-only time slot

Drop clues by baby-spoonfuls, toss in 8 new mysteries per episode and allow time for fans to stew.

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Do These Shoes Make My...

2007-04-20T06:13:00.000-04:00

guitarek
she crawls among us, but she is not one of us.

LIONARTist
Juliet: "BARK! BARK! BARK!"
Ben: "What's that, girl? Timmy fell down the hatch?!!"

LIONARTist
Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city,
Crawl along the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose? The lights are much brighter there...
You can forget all your troubles; forget all your cares, and go
Downtown -- things will be great when you're
Downtown -- you'll find a place for sure
Downtown -- everything's waiting for you

Downtown .... Downtown...

shootingstar815
This season of American's Next Top Model is going to be tough.

hatch_n_sniff
"but you could have gone home anytime you wanted by clicking your shoes together three times"

wednesdayworld
The Dharma Workplace Motivational Poster: We climb the ladder of success in Other ways here.

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Coming soon - past, present, and future contests

2007-04-20T05:30:00.000-04:00

We've generated some pretty funny caption contests at the abc general board. I'm going to post them here for all to enjoy. New contests each week.